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Funny Pain Poems | Funny Poems About Pain

These Funny Pain poems are examples of Funny poems about Pain. These are the best examples of Funny Pain poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Limerick | |

Jogger and Logger

For "Show Me the Funny (part two)"

There once was a fellow a woggin'*
Who bumped into one who was loggin'
They had quite a spat
The ax was a bat
And the first had a lump on his noggin


* Woggers are those who get all dressed for jogging, but only go at walking speed, while vigorously pumping their arms to delude themselves that they are jogging.


Details | Narrative | |

Call Me Gonzo

For thoose of you who may not know.
Just call me gonzo I write the absurd for life is insane and sometimes 
it takes a madman to speak the truth so very clear.

I write for the broken vacant faces that have lost all hope.
To the dreamer who's well is slowley running dry from everyone
telling him to stop wasting his time.

I write like a endless highway fueled by whiskey and wild women 
every adventure leads to pain but life is pain and i love in spite of it.

I thirst for every unseen mile the desert my brother it's people dwell
in the spirt of the west the opium parlors and brothels spirt still linger.
I write with a hint of danger and a promise of disaster.

Im a blues player whos trying to out run the devil.
Im a outlaw riding to cross the border a woman looking to the 
empty range for my return.

I write because I breath in a world were the creative air has gone 
stale.
The bottle sits apon table and I welcome any strangers company
I just rather that stranger be a warm woman instead of a 
unfriendly amigo who is a little jelouse.

Write to be more than just part of the highways landscape.
Some may call me crude crazy insane some even vulgar and 
liar and thief.
But aside from thoose compliments.
No matter what you may call me.
Dont ever forget to just call me gonzo.


Details | Free verse | |

My Boredom Disease

Like sick allergies, 
Boredom can be passed around
I call it: THE BOREDOM DISEASE

Like a horrid storm,
Boredom can catch you off guard
Hold on for DEAR LIFE!

Like the whooping cough,
Boredom can be serious
If I were you, I’d
Get a vaccination ! 


Details | Light Poetry | |

On Thin Ice


Aware .....
Did someone see
My butt is sore
Did someone see
Now I'm sure both yellow and blue
Did someone see
I look around quickly
Did someone see
I wish I could shout loud
Did someone see
I get up in a hurry
Did someone see
I wet my butt
Did someone see




18.01.2013
A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Burlesque | |

The Impatient Patient

Today's true tom tale;

Today was Dr. day at the clinic
I ended up the day quite a cynic
I'd been awake three days,
With a toothache and pain that slays
My jagged teeth cutting up my tongue
And the promise of help to which I clung
For no more of this pain could I endure,
I desperately did seek some kind of cure

Appointment at 2:15- told the taxi 1:30
I knew the fib was a tad dirty...
"Hedge the bet" one might say,
Sad to think one must be that way,
Of course in this case he showed up at 1PM
And I was in the waiting room at 1:15
Fastest response I'd ever seen.

So I sat in the waiting room as
Clerical shifts came and went
My patience seemed nearly spent

At last I was escorted to an examining room,
To sit and ponder my future doom...
For over an hour I sat there,
Reading all the posters on the wall,
About various diseases,
Soon I had them all!
Cervical cancer,
Malignant volvulus,
Infected ovaries,
Fibroid tumors in my uterus,
A glumaceous gluteus,
Obstructed bowels,
Deviated septum
Leukemia,
Anemia, edemia
Enlarged prostate,
Shrunken prostate
Eczema, Lupus
Leprosy.....
All these for me!

I hoped he didn't keep me 
waiting too much longer,
Surely I wasn't getting stronger....
I'd be dead in ten more afflictions
If he could not cure all these conditions.

I felt my life force start to fade
Look at what these posters made!
Surely life was slipping away,
I couldn't stand,
I began to sway.

In he finally came,
Suddenly I did not feel
the same,
I might survive the day after all,
My approaching death grew
rather small.

Next time, bring a book,
For in terms of time,
It hardly took,
Much time to catch
All these ills,
Or at least come in,
With made out wills.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Doctor Is A Dead Man Walking

Bob had a special talent
That only worked in his men’s store.
He had ‘clothing ESP’.
He knew what his customers wanted…and more.

When customer would come into his store
Bob would invariably say, 
“Hello. I'm Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

And he was always right,
Never missed a color, fabric, style or size.
He even knew the necessary alterations.
Customers couldn’t believe their ears and eyes.

Meanwhile, in another part of town,
Joe had a pounding, relentless migraine
For every minute for more than five years,
It had driven him near insane.

He’d lost his job to the pain.
Then, he lost his wife.
He had lost a lot of weight and rarely slept.
Yes, his was a miserable life.

And, of course,  sex was out of the question…
Even a little self-abuse.
There was nothing left for Joe but pain.
He felt his life was of no use.

So, Joe went to his doctor.
“Doc, please help me end this pain.
Give me something to make me sleep
And never wake up again.”

“You know I can’t assist your suicide.”,
Then he looked sad, perhaps ashamed.
“I never dreamed it would last five years,
But I know how to end the pain.”

“You can make it go away?!
Tell me, Doc!  What’s the word?”
“I’ll have to remove your testicles.”
Was the last thing that Joe heard.

But…when he came to, it struck him.
Sex was out of the question anyway;
But he might enjoy his meals again,
And he could sleep for days.

“Please check me in, Doc.
This opportunity I cannot shirk.”
So, the doctor removed his testicles.
He did his very best work.

A few days later, Joe waddled along,
Headache free and feeling pretty nice;
But every attractive woman he saw 
Reminded him of his sacrifice.

He decided it was appropriate
To do something nice for himself for a change.
So, he went into a travel agency;
And a six month cruise he arranged.

As he left the travel agency,
He was excited, feeling ready to go;
But for such a glorious adventure,
He would need new clothes.

As he walked along, he saw Bob’s Men's Store.
He walked in, only to hear Bob say,
“Hello.  I’m Bob. Don’t say a word.
I already know what you need today.”

“How could you know?” asked Joe.
“It’s a gift.  I don’t know how, but I do.
You’ve suffered five years with an ailment,
Found relief, so now you’re taking a cruise.” 

Joe could not believe his ears.
How could this stranger possibly know?
"You're right! That's amazing!
And I'm going to need new clothes." 

Bob then laid out a fabulous wardrobe
All the right colors, fabrics, styles…and each size.
Joe was incredibly impressed.
He could hardly believe his ears and eyes.

“How do you like the wardrobe?”
“It’s wonderful!”  Bob could see that Joe was pleased.
“Now,” said Bob, “What about undergarments;
You know…shorts and tees?

Let’s see…medium crew neck tees, all cotton.
I believe that you prefer white….
And jockey shorts, all cotton…. 34s.
Yes, I'm sure that’s right.”

Joe beamed, “You’re an amazing talent
And I just this second realized,
You've laid out this entire wardrobe
And only missed one size.”

Bob, surprised by his mistake, asked, “Really?
What did I miss?  I did my best for you.”
“Well…you’re right.” said Joe, “I do wear Jockeys,
But…well…I wear 32s.

“Oh, no!” said Bob with an ugly grimace.
“That would be a serious mistake.
Thirty-twos would be too small, 
They would cramp your balls.
You’ll get migraine headaches.”


Details | Rhyme | |

My Valentine

I knew I was in danger 
The day our wedding was
When the preacher asked do you take this woman
You answered He does
We've had a long long marriage and I hope it doesn't end
But you should have married Obama 
Because you both know how to spend
The police stopped me in another city 
Are you lost they wanted to know
I told them no, i'm married
My wife tells me where to go
I took off my ring because 
You'll never let me be
I was perfect until I put it on 
Then you found a thousand faults with me
You were a pain in the house 
But I thought that it would pass
Then I stood with you out into the yard
And you were a pain in the grass
You wanted a gift with a message
For our twentieth anniversary
So I bought you a set of luggage
What more could you want from me
The lobotomy made me happy
And I'm still glad you're mine
So, on this day of love
Will you be my Valentine
I know that you don't like my poem
But it was all in fun
So won't you be my Valentine
And put down that freakin' gun.


Details | Bio | |

Solitude: To Yoda, An Ode

Green bark a prism creates,
Feel the pull of earth, you must.

Rotates, a slime of endless hates,
Can hold me not, this world’s crust.

Friendship’s ties, isolation Deflates,
Succumbs, my spaceship, to bitter rust.

Mist, my soul forever permeates,
Lift-off, booms the rocket’s thrust.

My spirit when light returns, elates,
Swamps swell, swallowed hope’s swirling dust.

Trapped, I am, until student from fate
Arrives to learn; Cloud City or bust.


Details | Free verse | |

Conspiracy: Who Killed The Easter Bunny

A crowded table, all suspended in shock 
The sound of the shot dimming to a ‘knock’
Only silence, except for the marching clock
The weapon still smoking; an anonymous glock
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

Loud cries arise from the elongated table,
Jack Frost is shocked, the Tooth Fairy unable
To speak whilst Santa is checking the stable
For clues on the erstwhile maidservant Mable
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

They searched for hours, called in C.S.I,
Panic set in, would the children all cry?
Sandman confirmed the bunny had died
Batman suspected somebody had lied
WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?

Guests were quizzed, interrogations began
The mystery unfolded when Santa Claus ran,
Grabbing the pies, he tried escaping in a van
But was stopped in his tracks by superman
SANTA KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY!


Details | Haiku | |

ZOOKEEPER

Lookin' after pests
Keepin' a CLOSE eye on 'em
"Those wild animals!"

Roamin' around zoo
Searchin' for sneaky monkey
Hidin' in a tree

Zookeeper gets mad
"Where's Marty, the smartypants!?"
"He TOOK my cage keys!"


Details | Haiku | |

Beware The Skunk

Foam came from Pete’s mouth,
with a skunk biting his butt;
rabies on the run.


Details | Triolet | |

Women

Women

They can be such a pain in the arse

Never listen unless it suits

Living with them is such a farce

They can be such a pain in the arse

Intelligence is rather sparse

Never listen unless it suits

They can be such a pain in the arse

Never listen unless it suits


If only the good Lord Had been an engineer

What bliss to be a fellow

They would have switches by their ear

If only the good Lord had been an engineer

Speech On or Off and fertile On or Off. That's clear

What bliss to be a fellow

If only the good Lord had been an engineer

What bliss to be a fellow


Details | Free verse | |

Have You Ever Read

Dedicated to an author by the name of William Golding... Enjoy!!!


~Two boys meet on an island
~~One is skin 'n bones
~~~The other one is chubby

They discover a lagoon~
Ralph teases him by calling~~
him "Piggy" -  how mean!!~~~

Piggy asks him if
There are other people on 
The island with 'em

He has no clue
But this'll answer Piggy's question --
Other boys appear - 
All diverse shapes and sizes
What'll happen next??

You'll see...

Have you ever read The Lord of the Flies?
I recommend it if yah haven't read it yet - I must admit
It's a book full of adult words and it's simply...FASCINATING! - no lies
You should read it - or you'll regret it!



Details | Free verse | |

Soy Sauce Spills

Soy sauce drains 
Into the white, clustered rice
Stepped on…
spills . . . 
Soy sauce taints
The whiteness of the grain
 It slips out of my hands
No use...no point in crying out in rage
Though I was starving, 
I'll just eat another thing and start on a new page

I'm hungry like a swine
I wish I can earn back my snack!
I'm as angry as a bull
I'm about ready to attack! Attack!
Soy sauce packages
Fall unto the dirty school ground
Stepped on
By bratty, conceited teens
They really need to eat their greens
Instead of junkfood and pizza
They should drink some water
Instead of drinking sugary drinks or
 Sucking on popsicles obnoxiously
Why did the soy sauce spill? Seriously....


Details | Free verse | |

No Party For Pity

 No party for pity. 
 Question the absurdity. 
 Friends, use discretion 
 if you get an invitation. 
 It's counterfeit. 
 Don't believe it. 
 Don't RSVP, 
 if you receive it. 
 Discard immediately. Don't contemplate. 
 It'll lead you nowhere. Don't save the date. 
 No early, late, or on time arrivals. 
 The doorbell is silent. 
 No lively dinner guests, 
 dressed in their best. 
 No hors d'oeuvres served on a fancy plate. 
 No thought-provoking conversations. 
 No guestbook to sign. 
 No vintage wine. 
 No catered food. 
 No live music for the mood. 
 No celebration for pity's pains. 
 No "congratulations,"  for complaints.         
 No party here. Discard the invitation. 
 Pity's alone, in bitter contemplation.


Details | Free verse | |

marking time....to my friends on poetry soup.- the Lord helped me fight death and won.

i don't want to be just marking

time.  i died on november 20,

2008, during surgery.  i was

on a vent when i awakened 

december 2, 2008....my sisters'

birthday. what made me llive

i'll never know.  i know there

are things to do on this side

of death.



i have no time for marking time.

i have a stupid bag hanging from

my side now.  i am supposed to

"get comfortable with it".  well

that was a laugh.

that was a laugh until i thought

of the people that had these

things with no hope of ever

getting away from them.



i am so lucky.  14 days i laid

on a vent, then 22 more.

i came home 3 days, 



then 


i had
great pain in my chest...
.
well this is great i said,

a pulmonary emboli, 15 more

days, three days home.



then back to e.r. blood pressure

too high.  this bought me 

4 more days in e.r.



i am home now and finally 

have spent 19 days home.

i feel every pain and i feel

every time that i feel good



yes, i am never marking

time again.....there is

something about fighting

for your life and your sanity

that straightens things out.



i don't recommend it but

i wish i could let your hearts

know what i know.

janetta


Details | I do not know? | |

Forgetfulness x-x

Oh no!! I forgot – I had a plate of dessert In the cool freezer Oh no!! Dad forgot – He left his blue bowl of fruit On the clean counter!


Details | Light Poetry | |

Cough Drops And Applesauce

Cough Drops and applesauce 
Is what the doctor gave to me 
I don't mean to complain 
But in my side 
I feel a great big pain 
And doctors orders I'll oblige
 It is bad enough 
Every day is getting tough 
And now I am just out of luck 
Stuck with nothing but a cough 

It's been driving me insane 
Living here in all this pain 
It has made my life a very hard thing 
I really don't want to complain 
But I've been left out in the pouring rain 
And tomorrow is another day 
Same to come, same old way  


Details | Pantoum | |

An Acrobat's Walking Alternative

An Acrobat’s Walking Alternative

While I curse the nerve damage in my feet,
bulging discs now cause me to limp about.
Is this the fate aging acrobats meet
because our jumbled spines twist in and out?

Bulging discs now cause me to limp about,
so I’ve taken to walking on my hands
because our jumbled spines twist in and out.
Waiting in line, on my head I will stand.

So I’ve taken to walking on my hands,
learned to ignore the strange stares I receive.
Waiting in line, on my head I will stand,
the only way for pain to relieve.

Learned to ignore the strange stares I receive,
grabbing groceries off shelves with my toes.
The only way for my pain to relieve,
placing groceries in a cart with leg throws.

Grabbing groceries off shelves with my toes,
I think about all the doctors who failed.
Placing groceries in a cart with leg throws,
I secretly hope these doctors are jailed.

I think about all the doctors who failed.
Is this the fate aging acrobats meet?
I secretly hope these doctors are jailed,
while I curse the nerve damage in my feet!


 
*For Paula's Pantoum contest


Details | Limerick | |

Dental Procedure

Once upon a time recently
To dentist went confidently
He gave huge novacaine
Suppose to ease my pain
To my heart went incidently

The dentist chiseled tooth away
I didn't want to play rest of day
The morning after~Oh! well
I'll just say, upon pain did dwell  
But money to him still will pay

Sponsor: Black-Eyed Susan
Contest: The Worst Morning After
Written Monday, July 22, 2013
One week since the procedure
and I am still having some pain..
My heart still hasn't settled completely 
either..


Details | Quatrain | |

Adam's Side Kick

I’ve been a pain in your side “Why let me see…”
“You’re made from God but you say I’m made from thee?”
You talk to the animals and to the sky?
As the moon lights the night you talk to my…thigh?

You want to run bare arse all through the woods
We’ll if you keep doing that you won’t have ANY “goods?”
So, you don’t like the fig leaf. It’s a bad choice?
“Well, use your words! Speak up! You got a voice.”

“You work? So you say. Just what do you do?”
All we eat are the fruits and some vegetable stew.
I cry at the sunrise. I’m not used to these eyes.
And I still can remember being inside God’s sigh.

I cry cause the wind blows dust at moon rise
I’m frightened and wonder what’s the next …SURPRISE!
Neighbors? What neighbors? Toss the leave use a peel
what care I for the wonder of what you’ll reveal.

Eden was wonderful, and ignorance bliss
yet so is the delight of a your so human kiss.
I love you, I’ll stay no mater the plight
and raise up our children and handle the fright.

*dedicated to Larry Belt's Adam / A Pain in my Side


Details | Rhyme | |

Medical Science

Here I sit again once more
Another doctor visit today,
More lab work and tests
I just want the pain to go away.

One doctor says its this
Another says its something new,
I'm still left without any answers
While over the weeks my pain grew.

Is this all such a mystery
Are things really so complicated,
Tell me when i'll find this out
Will the pains to the results be related.

Many have faith in medicine
Say doctor's were made by man,
Why do they take their precious time
This is something I'll never understand.

I'm finally in an axam room
Told the doctor will come in a bit,
If i wasnt in so much pain right now
I'd walk out and say forget it.



Details | Free verse | |

Love Hurts - The Symptoms

Thoughts displaced by rolling palpitations,
From left to right grow these numbing sensations,
A face which spirals down, drooping from smile to frown.

Time hibernates in this moment protracted,
Legs bow and shake to our drama just acted,
Senses into overdrive, does pain show you’re still alive?

Oxygen masks, Coxes’ rowing commands,
Heart beat machines is what love demands,
“You need time to relax”, prescriptions from Quacks,
Is love just a commonplace heart attack?


Details | Free verse | |

AM ALIVE NOT DEAD

Crazy how when one problem is solved,
Another one arises,
When one thing is lost,
we find another one,
When we give up
someone else moves up,
When we think its the end of the road,
the journey has just began.

Crazy how when one stops hurting,
worry wants to take over,
When we are down and crushed to dust,
freedom calls, wanting to sweep you away like the wind.
Crazy how when i cry,
I realize am normal,
I have emotions and tears.

Funny how When my life is out of control,
When am broken and hurt,
Scared, thinking that this crazy world,
Is going to bring me down,
i find a reason to smile
I realize AM ALIVE NOT DEAD.


Details | Rhyme | |

A FUNNY INCIDENT

One incident very funny to me happened one day;
so uncommon and weird was it that I couldn’t say
whether it was a reality, a hallucination or a dream:
I was to attend a mermaid-hosted party in a stream;
with this I was surprised, perplexed and proud,
and shouted aloud for the privilege me allowed.

To get to the meeting venue fast, I booked a flight,
but I arrived at the airport late_ a  plight to fight;
I only saw the plane take off_  the flight was missed;
resolute not to miss the meeting, I decided to be bussed.

Actually, I boarded the bus safely and was ready
for the go; the bus roared to life and moved with speed steady;
all of a sudden, we came to a halt in the middle of nowhere;
back to status quo! I won’t retire till I acquire what I desire!

I thought of going by train, but it was too slow;
then I made up my mind that I’d in a boat go;
unfortunately, the boat capsised! We were saved
by sheer luck; I must get to where my mind craved.

Having used all the available transport media
and I remained in my progressless position earlier;
I made the funniest ever possible decision:
to go on foot_trekking_was the decision.

Even with this I wasn’t successful_
evil forces wanted not my success full;
as I was planning to start going,
my legs failed me_they ceased working!

I, in this confused state of mind, slept off;
when I woke up, I saw a letter-like stuff;
‘Come you must against all odds,’ said the fairy letter;
‘What next?’ Annoyed, I shouted and tore the letter.


Details | Rhyme | |

Spike

I feel like I have a spike
That's been driven into my head
If this pain doesn't end soon
I'm going to go home to bed

My concentration is poor
I can't hear a single thing
It began as a strumming 
Now I'm really suffering

I tried to take an aspirin 
In the hopes that it would work
Because when I'm not happy
I can turn into a jerk

Nothing seems to be working
My pain is escalating
It's hard to know what to do
The feeling is frustrating 

I look into the mirror
Comb aside all of my hair
Much to my own amazement
There is a spike stuck in there

Dedicated to my friend Gary who suffers from constant migraines. Coincidently
he has a friend who literally had a spike shot into his head an survived.


Details | Rhyme | |

Jellyfish Sting Remedy

Now, you may wonder why I urinate on my toes
But I know the cure when thrust in pain’s throes
After bare footing on a beach of golden sand
And accidentally treading on a jellyfish’s band.

The sting is sharp and the pain so very intense
You hop around with one foot a swollen immense
You want relief as fast as you can get it
Pull down your pants and start to wet it.

I know this sounds gross and a little perverse
The longer you wait, the pain just grows worse
The scientific reasons I cannot explain
But the chemistry of urine relieves jellyfish pain.

How the first person figured this out, I haven’t got a clue
And if you are too modest, perhaps I’ll urinate on you
Don’t you worry; I’ll hold and aim my own hose
Just next time on the beach, put shoes on your toes.


Details | Rhyme | |

BLACKLISTED [CONT'D]

I moved up on the outside to pass Bold Eclipse 
when this poncy young jockey bloke puckered his lips. 
Well I kicked well away and I picked up the pace 
and a divot of turf hit him smack in the face.  

With the straight just ahead it was now time to move 
and Thong Classic sensed too he had something to prove. 
When I went for the whip the horse lengthened his stride 
and I knew I was in for one hell of a ride. 
 
From the stands the crowd screamed and were going berserk 
while McArthur cried, "Ride, pinkie ride you great berk." 
Then I stood in the stirrups, applying the whip, 
but a length from the finish ... I felt my foot slip. 
 
As I crashed to the ground I lay writhing in pain 
when a voice from the dark cried, "You're flamin' insane!" 
To my horror I saw from my back on the floor 
my poor wife on the bed looking terribly sore. 
 
She'd a cord in her mouth from my old dressing gown 
and was bowed in the back lying tummy side down. 
She had marks on her thigh from the welts from my belt 
while the screams I had heard were from pain she had felt. 
 
It took months to live down what took place on that night 
and to stave off divorce proved a flamin’ tough fight. 
I'm blacklisted from races and all TABs 
and I sleep with darn hobbles strapped round both me knees. 
 
 
Conversing with Neil McArthur at Bobby Millers Wake, we all realized we were there to 
celebrate Bobby's life, so one could not help but indulge in the larrikin spirit he was 
so famous for.  Know for his comical verses, Neil has a thing about thongs and many 
titles in his books and albums contain a thong theme.  He also loves the horses and he 
has shares in one.  We were rather amused to find one of the starters in the Melbourne 
Cup was Thong Classic.  The rest is poetic licence. 


Details | I do not know? | |

Illegitimi non Carborundum

Illegitimi non carborundum ;-)


...Staggering, my vision cloudy,


I fall to the hard ground.


when life’s sharp left-jab leaves my face bloody,


and all that surrounds me, is the desolation of loss I feel all around.



I see myself slipping,

down the abyss to where nothingness exists,


still, I cling on, groping for a foothold,

for my will to stay persists.



I clamber up, I stand my ground, though battered and bruised I may be,


my curtain is not falling yet, I have some fight still left in me.



It is then, in the pit of despair, when all seems bleak and painful and dull,


I summon the strength from deep within,


I rise, slowly, to face the day,


I refuse to sink,

to wallow, to surrender, to throw in the towel,


to drown,


for I am stronger now,


indeed I am, after all the years, and all the battles,


I stand, bruised and bloody,


still,


I stand,


I refuse, to sink, to drown,


for they can try, to punish me some more,


but I shall not allow them to grind me down…


;-)


Details | Quatrain | |

GUESS I'M GETTING OLD

                                             GUESS I'M GETTING OLD

Woke up this morning,
And can't turn over,
Because of the pain,
In my hip and my shoulder.

Finally drag myself,
Out of the bed,
Limp into the bathroom,
This head fog to shed.

Soak out the pain,
In a nice warm bath,
Dry my hair and shake off,
Last night's aftermath.

There's someone in my mirror,
That can't be me,
She's wrinkled and old,
And can hardly see.

Ignore her and maybe,
She'll just go away,
But I'm kidding myself,
That old bat's here to stay.

Now I'm dressed and I'm ready,
To begin my day,
Feed the cat, walk the dog,
Run some errands and play.

By the end of the day,
I'm limping again,
It's the price I must pay,
For a life fillled with sin.

My leg hurts, my neck hurts,
There's pain in my head,
But pain can be good,
'Cause it means I'm not dead;

                Yet.

                                               Judy Ball


Details | Rhyme | |

My Horrible Ex-wife

Many people defend my ex-wife but they don't know her.
On our wedding night, she shot me with a flamethrower.
Before she used the flamethrower, she doused me with gas.
I have third degree burns all over, she really fried my ass.
Six months later, she wanted me to see the Jaguar that she bought.
But it was not a car, it wasn't what I thought.
That large cat tore me open, it really hurt as I got bit and clawed.
When I was standing in a puddle, my ex zapped me with a cattle prod.
After all of that, I'm lucky that I didn't lose my life.
It's those reasons why the bitch became my ex-wife.

(This is a fictional poem)


Details | Dramatic monologue | |

Headache

Where is it to which this comes from? 
Some say it's in your head but some say other things instead. 
Some even say it comes from the left side of your brain. 
Some say it comes from else where or it's just in your head. 
Where does it really come from? 
Is it something in your head? 
Who's really to say?
Some told me it was a pain. 
Does that mean the same as ache instead! 
Or is a pain something you experience when you prick your finger on the bed. 
I don't know, I just know I've got this big headache my self and it points at you. 
No'...Not to say you such a pain. 
Wow' I think I just figured the headache problem. 
And that's the pain. 
You reckon it’s because it had rain. 
Or maybe a snow came and you where to sick to sit and see it fall. 
Is that what pain is or was it my thought?
It was that on the other end. 
Through the phone calls I could tell.
Those with a head like that.
Who could tell whether pain or ache.
But I know for sure, you giving me headache.
That's ok; it wasn't from the prick you see. 
It was that of the ring.
So I apologize if I have to hang up and run.
But I have to do something about this headache I've hung.
So I'm going to hang up now and run.
I do apologize, it's been fun.... 


Details | Quatrain | |

Well, here-s another nice mess you-ve gotten me into

Suffering with a toothache
Started on the weekend
Appointment on Monday
See the Dentist at ten

This was no wimpy ache
A “King Kong” of a hurt
I kept on popping pills
Still pain would not avert

By that Monday morning 
Pain spreading through my chin
At the end of my rope
Somehow this pain must end

We were at the building
A little before nine
We arrived there early
Hoping to save some time

Office on the third floor
I said, “Let’s take the stairs”
“No”, said my lovely wife,
“Elevator’s right there”

Push button number three
We started going up
Got between two and three
When it stopped abrupt

I pushed the HELP button
Then we heard someone say
“Maintenance has been called
So help is on its way”

“I’m in pain, need relief
Just how long might it be?”
“Takes them an hour or two
At worst it could be three”

“Should’ve gone up the stairs
But I listened to you”
"WELL", 
“Here’s another fine mess
You’ve gotten me into”


 


Details | Rhyme | |

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
To all that who knock
But I won't answer the door
Till the face on this clock

Says tomorrow, tomorrow
And Christmas has passed
And I can sigh a relief
To this pain in the ass

So thanks for your time
And your Christmas good cheer
But what I need most is perfectly clear

Some peace and some quiet
Is all that I ask
So don't be like Christmas
A pain in the ass


Details | Diamante | |

isn't funny.

the lines roll off our lips or the words that were so hard to find while in love come to
us like water from a fall,
the colors we see while our hearts are full brighten our world yet blind us to the words
that make anyone understand,
roses are red yada yada yada some thing about you, a love smitten lover, a boyfriend, or
husbands call,
if you read it and fill what they are saying love surrounds you, if you turn away click to
the next poem heart ache makes it's stand,
in love we see all that is right,
in heart ache pain is all that is in sight,
a smile filled with love,
tears of ache fall as we curse the heaven above, 
yesterday you were the brightest of them all
 today i see he/she just made you fall,
was it the love song, the long walk,.
the way your eyes locked, or the all night talk,
you fell, or shell I say you jumped head first into love are thats what you thought,
writers block right .... you could only say I love you in so many ways,
now in pain you see it was all for not,
now you write the words that that others want to say,
isn't it funny in love your creative, alone.....your a poet,
they greatest poems ever written are sad,
love poems never seem....to fit,
love is patent love is kind love is what we have and had
and a broken heart walks alone on a empty sea shore,
isn't it funny .....love and hate .....forever and never more, 


 
       


Details | Rhyme | |

IN AND OUT Hernia Shmernia

In the main, it's a pain in the brain.
Now just try not to buy I could die.
Patiently wait. Think, my fate will be great.
Now I'm face'n the preparation for the operation.

Pray'n for grace. Turn my face. Think 'happy place'.
'A little prick', then a stick. Oh, I'm sick.
Add Pepcid. not to dread. faith instead.
I'm in a huff; all this stuff.  Is it enough?

Another add. antibiotic, he said Keep my head. 
To the room. be over soon. What a boon.
'Slide on over'. Sure thing Rover. Where's the power?
Then I'm able, with a stable, on the table.

Modesty's rough in the buff. Think happy stuff.
In 'it' goes, head to toes. no more woes.
'Help me quick, I am sick'! Up I sit.
Out like a light. No more fight. All is right.

'Wake up dear', heard so clear, 'home is near'.
I want sleep! Don't make a peep you noisy creep.
'Wake up yes! Home is best. There you'll rest'.
Picking a bone, 'not so soon!', I sleepily moan.

Up and move'n, soon to be groov'n, life to be proven
Have no care. Had my share; fine's frog’s hair.
Only a glitch in m'gittalong hitch. That's a switch.
Home at last. Relax!  This gas, it too shall pass.




Details | Rhyme | |

You Feelin' Me?

I'm not critically aclaimed,
I ain't got no money to my name,
I'm having ot hang my head in shame,
there ain't nothin' good about me,
I'll just have to wait for you to see.

I'm going to let you go,
and if you come back, we'll take it slow.
Look into my eyes,
and dang boy, please don't lie,
ah, come on, don' be shy,
tell me how you feel,
and be real.

Lier.

I'm gonna beat you in the head with a giant hammer,
gonna cause a clamor,
I'm gonna drag your body to a hotel,
gonna crack you worse then the liberty bell.

You feelin' me?

I'm gonna stab you in the heart with a lit cigarette,
feel no regret,
I'm gonna scream at you,
and if you run I'll pursue.

You feelin' me?

Oh no, I don't think you see,
nobody lies to me,
I don't think you feelin' me,
I guess I wasn't meant to be on your family tree.

You feelin' me?

What do I have to do to knock some sense into you?
I'll give pain where pain is due,
I'll shoot you in the head with a water gun,
then I'll suffocate you with a hamburger bun,
I'll drown the eyewitness,
then practice physical fitness,
I'll chase you down when you run,
then I'll shoot you with a real gun,
I'll shoot you in the head,
bang, you're dead.

You feelin' me yet?


Details | Rhyme | |

Oh Lordy Me

You know when you get my age nothing seems to go right
The first problem I had I thought I was losing my sight
I saw this girl she looked as pretty as can be
Then when she got up close I said "OH LORDY ME"

Then I started having problems with my right hand
A knot came up on the back of it and the pain oh man
It seems like it started going to sleep on me
I'd shake it and I'd rub it then I said "OH LORDY ME"

The next thing that happened was the pain in my hip
I took so much medicine I stayed on a psychodelic  trip
The pain seemed to go down to my back and my knee
I'd just grit my teeth and say "OH LORDY ME"

Then of all things my knee went out on me
It was weak and bowed like a branch on a tree
I couldn't stand or walk it just went limp you see
OH MY, OH MY, I said "OH LORDY ME"

Now I'm afraid to even get out of bed
I know these problems are getting to my head
I might as well roll over and play dead you see
Nothing is working right anymore "OH LORDY ME"