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Funny Christmas Poems | Funny Poems About Christmas

These Funny Christmas poems are examples of Funny poems about Christmas. These are the best examples of Funny Christmas poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

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Details | Light Poetry | |

A Christmas Carol

Oh the Ghosts, Oh the Ghosts!!!
The Ghosts of Christmas shall haunt the wicked
They shall haunt the bitter and sorrowful decrepit creatures
Your hunched back and wallet will be no shield
For the three ghosts of the Christmas past

I Sir am the ghost of the Christmas past
Fear not I shall do yee no harm
That, you have already done upon your own wicked soul
Yes, that is you, as a young man, full of piss and vinegar as they say
Oh I know, you young ones then called it love, sore sight that was

I sir am the ghost of the Christmas present
Fear not, the bitter cause their own harm, not I for sure
They seethe within their own discontent and folly
The chains you hear old scrooge, are not mine
They are the irons that chain your heart to the wheel of wealth

I sir am the ghost of Christmas future
Fear not, for there is hope for all mankind
Even you, who counts coins like lovers count kisses
When you wake, you shall remember not, all these wise illusionary dreams
Old scrooge, the gift of mercy shall bestow a last grasp at happiness, take yee    hold!!!

The most festive of December days, the sun rose in the cold brisk air
Scrooge awoke, and the inexplicable sound of laughter filled his dreary bedroom
Pure unadulterated joy from the grumpiest of old men
The maid fled in fear, what insanity must have possessed this bitter old lard
Ah but happiness was indeed in the air

On with his topcoat and hat, nary a moment to ponder
Of he went to his secretary’s house
Carol, Carol !!!! He exclaimed, yes, I am not mad not crazy nor insane, open the door!
Possessed maybe, but only of joy, that I, the one so filled with animosity
Now I see, by the grace of the god, the love before my very eyes!!!

Well Carol and Scrooge passed a very Merry Christmas indeed!!!!!

Notes: This take of “A Christmas Carol” is from fond memories as a child, when our Dad “made” us watch this movie over the years! Blessed are those with such fond childhood memories of Christmas! 

Details | Rhyme | |


Santa's hurting
head to toe
Santa's moving
kinda slow
Santa's sore
between the buns
Santa's got
the Christmas runs
Santa says
he has the flu
Santa's afraid
he'll give it to you
Santa should have
washed his hands
Santa needs to
change his plans
Santa needs
two bags this year
One for vomit
and one for cheer
Santa says
in spite of this blight
Merry Christmas to all
to all a good night

Contest: Jerry's "What's Up With Santa"
Date: 11-30-14
Poet: LyricMan

Details | Sonnet | |

Christmas Wishes for You

For anyone struggling in the holiday season!!

Although there's nothing much that I could add
to all the Christmas wishes ever made,
I'll wish for you that traffic won't be bad
the day you shop and that you may get paid
some kind of Christmas bonus for a change,
and when beneath the mistletoe you stand,
I hope you're not approached by someone strange,
but rather by a stranger who is grand!
And should you be so childish (I mean bold)
to ice skate on a lake or board the snow,
I pray for you that you don't catch a cold
or break a leg as down some hill you go.
My wishes, like my gifts, are kind of cheap;
May faith in them require no giant leap!

Details | Rhyme | |

What's up with Santa

                                 I played a nasty joke on Santa
                                     once on Christmas Eve,
                                  I put some exlax in his milk,
                                       and he drank it clean.


                           Now that’s one Christmas I remember,
                           Dad sat on the Lu till end of December

                              Another time we greased the roof
                                      My brother Clay and I,
                                       Hoping to catch Santa
                                      when we heard him cry.


                         Another Christmas I couldn’t forget soon,
                      Dads leg was in a cast, till the middle of June.

                        The next year we decided to write old Santa
                                    And apologize for our tricks,
                                   I guess old Nick squealed on us,
                                 Cause dad came with THE stick.


                    I believe Santa's still mad at me and my brother Clay
               Cause he never brings our kids, presents on Christmas day.

                                              (Party pooper)

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans
Contest: What’s up With Santa
G 4

Details | Limerick | |

You'd Better Not Pout

Kicking Santa is not nice to do.
Chuck Norris has replaced him, 'tis true.
You'd better not pout,
or a swollen snout,
and a stocking of whoop-ass for you!
12/21/14 Contest: A Quintain Christmas Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich

Details | Clerihew | |

Rudolph Clerihew

Rudolph Clerihew

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Lights up Santa’s path to steer.
For his nose to last through the night,
He sunbathes to charge up his light!

© Sandra M. Haight 2014 
   All Rights Reserved

~5th Place~
Contest: A Chrismas Character Clerihew
Sponsor: Andrea Dietrich

Details | Verse | |

Was It You - - - It Was Not Me


                                                    Who ate the biscuits

                                                    Who drank the milk

                                                     It was not the cat

                                                      Neither the rat

                                                    The platter is empty

                                                  and the milk is drunk out

                                               Is that YOU ..... it`s not ME .....

                                                 I think Santa has been here

                                                      Do you believe ?


A-L  Andresen :)

Details | Rhyme | |

My worst Date

Twas winter ninety-seven, all around the town
Houses lit up magically, parties all around.
Boyfriend says, come with me, to works Christmas dinner,
Dress up chic and sexy, looking like a winner.

Hair all done up, makeup on, gown that fits just right
We’ll impress his colleagues, I was such a pretty sight.
Ushered to our table, we sat with others there
Such a lovely evening, a truly posh affair.

Delicious food, friends were made, laughter filled the air,
A real nice Christmas party, memories to share.
Then came all the speeches, boring us all to death,
The best part was the here here’s, sniffing wines sweet breath.

Finally was time to dance, music filled the night,
Dancing in my ball gown which now was fitting tight.
Time and time we danced that night, in each other’s arms,
Him with me and me with him, showing off our charms.

Suddenly I laughed so hard, teeth went flying out,
Slide across the dance floor, feet pushing them about.
In a flash down on my knees, scurrying about,
Found the little suckers, and popped them in my mouth.

At the time I hoped and prayed nobody had seen,
When I popped them in my mouth, and where they had been.
Looking back, now I laugh, thinking it was funny,
I’m happy now my mouth can say “C’est la vie.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
For Judy Konos Contest:
C’est la vie 

Details | Limerick | |


Mrs. Santa on last Christmas Eve
Was so naughty , at trying to deceive.
Not the slightest bit coy
When she met her toy~boy....
Now , believe what YOU want to believe .

Rudolf the randy raindeer
Took his lady friend out for a beer.
Then he took off his clothes.
Showed~off his red nose..
Saying.. who the hell said, I was queer...

What's the worst place at Christmas to be ?
Perhaps a turkey~dish laced with gravy....
It's more painful and airy
To be some poor fairy
With your +++  on the top of the tree .


Details | Light Poetry | |

Its Christmas Time in Dodge City

(To the tune of Silver Bells) Wooden sidewalks, and the shop fronts, Dressed in wild western style In the jail there’s a feeling of Christmas Cattle mooing, cowboys shooting Riding mile after mile And down at the Long Branch you hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Mobs in street fights try to stay polite While they bleed red and scream As the towns folk rush home To take cover Hear the jaws crunch See the kids bunch It’s Matt Dillon’s big scene As he catches the rustlers you’ll hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Silver spurs, silver spurs Soon it will be Christmas day. Soon it will be Christmas day.
When we travel in the car we sing to the radio. The other night, Silver Bells came on and I sang Dodge City to make my wife laugh.

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Paradox

Merry Christmas and all that stuff and don’t forget to write, Now if you would all be on your way I’d like a silent night. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your stay, I have you must believe me, I just wish that it were over now because your leaving would relieve me. I’d like to say that the magic of this day would be with me until I die, But out of respect for the holiday I feel that it would be wrong to lie. I’ve spent the time following you around and picking up after your kids, Putting food back in the refrigerator and closing up all of the lids. I’ve even picked up your smelly socks after making Christmas dinner, While you’ve all gotten fat it seems that I’ve grown that much thinner. But when next year comes you’d better be here to visit with Santa Claus, Don’t tell me that you’ll spend Christmas time over at your in-laws. Because Christmas is a family time and we all should be together, And you can tell your in-laws that you’ll be theirs on Arbor Day forever.

Details | Clerihew | |


Snowman, who ‘s also as white as tissues
Wants to wear Santa Claus' pair of shoes
He sits right on top of two short poles
Down the snow he has his propelling rolls

Dec. 15,2014  6.05am

Ninth Place
Contest: A Christmas Character Clerihew
Judged: 12/19/2014
Sponsor: My fave, Poet Andrea

Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Dinner Fiasco

"Christmas Dinner Fiasco" on Christmas Eve, family gathered for "Feast of Seven Fishes" an old Italian tradition while wrapping gifts with expectant wishes hubby decided to play Chef Boyardee complete with hat and apron, a fun sight to see the kitty cats circled dinner table to pounce licking their whiskers, smelling each tasty ounce. pumpkin bread baking and homemade apple pie whipped cream and hot fudge enjoyed with warm sigh candied sweet potatoes with buttered rolls and biscuits diet food hidden away like melba toast and triscuits aromas so yummy the puppies were squealing soon there was a stampede, sent the kitchen Chef reeling. tree trimming time once dinner was finished spirits running high with no chance to diminish all seated to say grace before this marvelous meal with colorful palette' and great appetite appeal underneath the table came growling and gnashing as felines and canines, over dripping crumbs, were clashing. the Chef lost his temper and scooted pets to the yard from inside the hacienda those onry pets were barred but the doggie door was unlocked so began the invasion pets on parade on a Christmas Eve occasion the desserts lined the table like poetic pop art creme puffs with rum and rice cakes a la carte'. coffees were carried next to Christmas tree tinsel and garland with musical lights mystery but Cali the cat had his own idea of fun 'twas entangled in garland with paws in a bun and Gabby had stolen a piece of creme puff his black face was white as snowflake soft fluff. the Danes sniffed out chew sticks from their stockings as Raider and Golden ran round the tree in flocking and sweet little Venus was as good as a dream enjoying her peaches as she swirled in whipped cream Christmas dinner fiasco provided laughs with love as we sang "Deck the Halls' to the good Lord above. *For Francine Robert's Christmas Dinner With Humor. *Dec. 2, 2012.

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Hound

My dog likes the decorations from the Christmas tree, He can eat them without any guilt because they are fat free. He knows which stocking belongs to him and he checks it every day, He checks it by chewing it up, it’s a game he likes to play. Sometimes in the candy dish I will find a suspect slobber mark, I know that he’s been sampling both the milk chocolates and the dark. He ate a whole roll of wrapping paper the kind with shinny foil, Then for dessert he had a bow and some curly ribbon from the coil. He helps us to remember the good times when Christmas time has gone, When the snow melts in the spring and we find spangles on the lawn.

Details | Limerick | |

Pets on Parade

"Pets on Parade" on Christmas Eve two kitty cats were sleeping as Santa Claus climbed down the chimney creeping Excalibur started to purr Gabriel raised his black fur poor Santa was startled and began weeping. while Santa was chased by playful felines trotting toward them a band of hungry canines sweet Venus the white Wstie was growing quite testy for commotion interrupted her night sublime. Thor and Thunder twin midnight blue great danes frolicked in fun as Santa reached for red candy canes they took giant licks opened Santa's bag of tricks as Raider the Shepherd smeared frosty windowpanes. pretty pets on parade on Christmas Eve had a jolly good time you best believe sharing cookies and milk with the Moon smooth as silk and Santa was so happy to leave. *For SKAT'S Calling All Pet Poems ..

Details | Footle | |

A Disappointing Present

No, Socks!

Details | Light Poetry | |

Naughty or Nice

Santa! Oh, Santa! Please listen to me. It’s for Dragon! I’m begging you, please!
Dragon didn't mean to be naughty! He’s crying! He’s even down, on his knees!
Christmas is coming! He wants to be nice! Heaven knows what, he’ll do next!
It’s been quite a week! Beyond his control! And, of course, you know, the rest!

First, he swooped in to help an old Lady, as she tried to walk across a street.
But the wind from his wings; caught her and blew her away, and into a heap!
He volunteered: as a candy stripper, helping patients, at a hospital, without reward.
No smoking allowed, with the seriously ill, his Fire blew up, that one LITTLE ward.

He raked all the leaves for old Mister Brown, for free; who was so very, pleased. 
He gave Dragon an at-a boy! And added a slap on his back, making him sneeze. 
Which startled a spark, from Dragons great mouth. It’s a pity… what they say…
Mr. Brown’s house won’t be finished rebuilding, till… next spring and a day.

Dragon helped with the neighborhood school playground… monitoring the swings.
Upon hearing the comment, “I want to go higher”, they found Space, was achieved.
Now, sad and so lost, Dragon checked out a place, Google Earth had blurred out…
Jets forced him down, it was a secret location, now wiki-leaks-men run, all about.

At an Old Folks Picnic, Dragon grabbed 2 oldsters, then sat on a 3rd, one windy day.
Stopping them from being blown away, the 3rd leaves intensive care, soon, they say.
Baby sitting, a baby that kept crying, Dragon grew so upset, smoke billowed forth.
The firemen decided, until his smoke is under control, ‘no babysitting’, henceforth!

Santa is great! This we all definitely know! To get all these problems under control... 
He said ‘don’t try so hard!’ As he found Dragon’s heart not only nice, but pure gold! 
Peace was ensured, as he sent Dragon home… for his family to enjoy, and to enfold!  
Now life will be better, for all! I’m sure!… Or so I do hope, to behold!

But… Pardon me, Santa… Did you just… say?… He’s officially nice, in your view?
Santa, perhaps a warning is due. His wish list, 2 miles long, is coming to you!
For all, it’d been quite a week, mission accomplished, as Santa gave a knowing wink!
‘Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Peace on Earth’, even with Dragon around, me-thinks.

Details | Rhyme | |

My Favorite Holiday

It seems my Christmas spirit has gone up in smoke,
‘Cause every single Christmas I always end up broke!

To give and get a gift or two, with little or no use,
But “it’s the thought that counts,” seems to be the best excuse!

It’s just another day to splurge on Mom’s Christmas feast,
With all our favorite relatives… and the ones we like the least!

So I’m poorer and fatter on yet another day…
Oh, what the heck; I’ll enjoy the wreck of my favorite Holiday!

Details | Clerihew | |

Santa Clause

On Cristmas Eve, comes Santa Clause,
stuffing tons of cookies in his jaws.
It's no wonder he's Jolly and fat;
I would be too, if I ate like that.

Details | Haiku | |

What Does The Elf Say

What does the elf say?
“Santa Claus is a great boss.
He hired Mini Me.”

Details | Rhyme | |

Santa is a Yorkshire Man

To stop the myth going around that Santa is a Scotsman, a huge hit on the radio here. So fo those that believe this is the truth.

Santa is a Yorkshire man everybody knows that
You just say he is Scottish, cos he’s round and fat.
Well Yorkshire men can be the same they are not all dud
All year on the beer and whisky 
Washed down with Yorkshire pud.

Santa is a Yorkshire man everybody here knows that
You say your Scottish Santa’s Glow warm, red and fat.
Well Yorkshire Santa’s have glowing bits, but they keep them out of sight
Except on Christmas Eve when their pants have got too tight.

Santa is a Yorkshire man so stop making such a fuss
A Santa who know what’s what, so you can call on us
If your chimney is too tight, Yorkshire Santa will let you know
He’ll leave your present’s elsewhere, and you will have to go.
To collect you gifts is your own fault if your chimney is too small
Don’t expect him to get up there, he doesn’t want to fall.

A spade is a spade wherever you go Santa will tell you that
If you want to get your presents early, try Ilkley moor bar tat.
They meet there on Christmas Eve to swop gifts and stories too
That’s why they all have glowing bits, I bet you would have too.

He doesn’t have time to mess about, you people should know that
Santa is a Yorkshire man, there’s no more to say that’s that.

Details | Light Poetry | |

All I want for Xmas is a poetry membership

All I want for Christmas
Is my two front teeth
All my back teeth
A Mercedes or Bentley
A life time membership to Hugh Hefner's mansion
The rights to the song "If I had a million dollars"
Cause then I would have 5 million dollars

A new pair of socks
A house full of books
With a sexy librarian too boot
Or in some nice boots
If its not too too much trouble
Santa list of naughty girls
Some Newfoundland screech
A clock that can turn back time
I train set 1000 times bigger than Arthur s
And his butler

Again. If its not too much trouble
A few hundred genies in bottles
A few Rembrandt's and various other famous paintings
The country of Iceland, if the price is right
Oh and all the episodes of "The Rockford files" and "Colombo"
My childhood back

Oh and a private plane
I do not really want one but it would seem plain silly
If I don’t ask, n'est pas?
I almost almost forgot, a harem or even a few
Just for images sake
For I want only one princess

Of course, I would gladly give this all away
If when I see a child suffer or sad
I could paint happiness inside in their little souls
If only
I could paint happiness inside of us all

Of course we can start with the poetry membership!

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Magic of Christmas

In our first year of wedded bliss we were very tight on cash, Some popcorn and a jigsaw puzzle would be our Christmas bash. All that year when Friday came a date night plan was born, Together we’d work a jigsaw puzzle and then we’d pop some corn. As I look back, the puzzles were an allegory of our life, Fitting pieces to make a picture together as man and wife. The popcorn was but a memory of date nights long ago, When we could afford the ticket price and go and see a show. So when I spied the coupon for a three-pound bag of corn, I knew that for just one dollar our Christmas wouldn’t be forlorn. And so I bought it and wrapped it up and stashed it underneath the tree, I hoped that she wouldn’t get too mad ‘cause she didn’t get a gift for me. When morning came I made her look to find her present there, But under the tree instead of one it seemed there was a spare. Oh no, I thought, what has she done? She’s a better shopper by far, I only bought her a three-pound bag of corn I didn’t set too high a bar. “Open it” she said and smiled her smile that lit a fire in me, “I’ll tell you what, let’s open them together on the count of three.” One, two, three and the wrapping flew and fell upon the floor, Then we kissed and laughed because we’d learned what the holiday was for. We learned a lesson that day about the magic of a Christmas morn, It seemed that we would start the year with six new pounds of corn. The gift that we gave to each other that day had nothing to do with bows, It was the love that we have for each other that still binds us as it grows.

Details | Free verse | |

A Simple Southern Christmas

It's gonna be a simple southern Christmas here.
All I want from Santa is some egg nog, bourbon and beer.
I'm gonna wait on Santa Christmas Eve night,
and when he's not lookin' I just might,
steal his reindeer.
It's gonna be a simple southern Christmas here.
I'm sending out my Christmas cheer.
I'm gonna sit on my front porch swing and sing.
It will be a good thing to hear those jingle bells ring.
I thought I seen Santa on the backwoods bayou road,
but instead it was a big fat toad.
It'a a wonderful simple southern Christmas here.
Santa just brought me some egg nog, bourbon, and beer.
When he wasn't lookin' I stole his reindeer.
So now I can deliver my Christmas cheer.
But hurry, hurry, I'm in a rush,
got to give that reindeer a little push.
Got to go, got to go,
got to get home to fix my gumbo.
It is Christmas day,
and I'm in  a rush I must say.
It's gonna be a simple southern Christmas here.
Just add egg nog, bourbon and beer.
Mix it up with some Christmas cheer.
I'm ready for Christmas every year.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Dragon Santa

There’s a little known fact about the North Pole.
Now Santa’s a Dragon, you really should know.
Now think about this and it will become clear.
Santa, like Dragons, is so very magical my dear.

In the very least, Santa has to be… at least partly so.
He’s just a SNOW Dragon, now wouldn’t you know?
He only comes south… in the deepest of wintertime.
And he brings along the snow for good girls and boys.

Now, I wouldn’t lie! I know… that honestly, it’s true!
I call him the Solstice Santa; for he brings winter, its true!
Think! Who brings those sleds when you’re snug in bed?
It’s the Dragon reindeer… Who can fly, high thru the air!

Now, think my dear friend… and you will know that it’s so.
Who loves havoc more, than a mischievous Dragon’s soul?
How come there’s always snow, as they land on your roof?
Because Snow Dragons can breath snow… Lickety Split!

And Dragons love fun… so here come all those Great toys.
Yep, they, too, were made by mischievous, DRAGON guys!
And just where, do you think, my Dragon egg came from?
Grandpa Troll came south, with it, yep, from the North Pole!

When Dragon is grown… Where do you think he wants to go?
Naturally, first North, to visit Dragon Santa, at the North pole.
Gee, the world is spinning, and Grandpa Troll is laughing, too!
No! Say it isn’t true! Grandpa Troll? Did you spike the eggnog?

Again this year? Well, it WAS a beautiful dream… That’s true!
And Merry Christmas, out there, to all you wonderful, You’s!!

Written 12-8-2014 by Carol Eastman It's Iambic something...
Don't know iambic what... Can you guys help me here? What would 
you call it?

Details | Limerick | |

What's Up With Santa

What’s Up With Santa?

He arrived at the party that night
In his outfit of red, black and white
Turned to skinny not round
Pillow fell to the ground
Ho Ho Santa became Ha Ha sight!

© Sandra M. Haight 2014 
   All Rights Reserved

~Honorable Mention~
Contest: What’s Up With Santa?
Sponsor: Jerry T. Curtis
Judged 12/08/2014

Details | Light Poetry | |

Dear Santa

Santa, I do confess
I feel a little bit strange
A middle aged man sitting on your knee
Whispering into your ear, my grandest wish
Let us both hope people do not get the wrong idea here
I am at my wits end Dear Santa
All I want for Christmas
Is for her to call me
So that I may here her voice
Like a musical saga
A symphony of  Celtic dreams
The honey that flows deep into my heart
The sweetness that grows in my soul

Am I demanding too much?
Of this earthly world
That I, demand heavenly wishes
That I dream in colors unreal
That I cry for things that seem the impossible
The North Pole and all its promise
Oh but I must dream, dream or die

No more dreams
Is death for sure
Let me not be murdered
By a phone that rings not

Dear Santa

I am disappointed, no poetry memberships, no phone calls in the night from lovers
No mistletoe even in me dreams, Gaelic winds blow cold over me heart
Id ask for a train set, but the way things are going you’d give me a train wreck
Bloody hell on you Santa, you must be busy helping nice people, cheers anyways

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Bowing Tree

We were so pathetic our first year of marriage. They say that being poor builds character, maybe that explains it. 

We were married way too young to ever have much money, The thought of spending for a Christmas tree seemed to be too funny. We decided that we would do without to save cash on which to live, Because the cost of even a meager tree was more than we could give. One night on my way home from work I followed a tree barring truck, A pothole hit and a tree flew off it seemed I’d had some luck. I took it home to my new bride and the sight lit up her eyes, She decided to make decorations for this Christmas tree surprise. So while I went to find a stand, she started to pop some corn, She took a needle and threaded them and soon the tree adorned. She cut out cardboard stars and bells in foil they then got covered, I set the tree up in its stand and that’s when a problem was discovered. There was something wrong with the trunk of our little Christmas tree, It curved so badly that when it stood up it made the letter “C”. Without some help it couldn’t stand so to the top we tied a rope. To the closet rod it got fastened to hold it upright was our hope. When the door to the closet slid shut tight the tree stood proud and tall, With its aluminum decorations and popcorn strands it really had it all. When we opened the door to get our coats the rope would always slack, And the little tree would bow to us and we would bow right back. Many years have passed since then and now our house is full of trees, But none of them are as polite as our first that was so eager to please.

Details | Rhyme | |

A Christmas Dinner Memory

Listening to the roosters crow brings thoughts
Memories of when I was very young
There was a rooster who wasn't store-bought
He had strong masculine traits and strong lungs

He would loudly crow, strut, and fight the best
The day he flew at me and tried to spur
Was the day his name became the fowl pest
On Christmas Eve he met his fate_ yes, sir
'Pon that fated day he crowed his last crow
His fancy strutt in the pot mom did stir
The feet, the neck, tips of wings she did throw
When those were done, dumplings she did transfer

The meal was done and all sat down to eat
Mom passed the dumplings around and served me
In the dumplings on my plate landed his feet
Laughter around the table showed our esprit

Sponsor: Francine Roberts
Contest: Christmas Dinner With Humor
Completed 12/17/12
Minimum 12 lines
Christmas day the rest was boiled and dressing made...

Details | Sonnet | |

The Bibelot

(just posting today. I am running like crazy
trying to get Christmas projects done! But I hope
to be here tonight to read poems! OH, and to understand'
this sonnet more fully, you need to know what
"Bibelot" needs. An intereseting word I learned 
when I took the challenge to use that word in a poem!
If you really want to know the word, you'll have to 
look it up or ask me!!) Luv, Andrea

The Bibelot

There never could have been a Christmas better-
that first one spent alone near firelight.
She gave him some cologne; a blue wool sweater
to match the hue his eyes shone with delight.

He tore the tissues red and green, and she
more delicately opened with a thrill
each gift he’d tied with ribbon clumsily.
And then he held one out, and she grew still,
for it was small, which had to mean one thing. . .
it had to be the best he’d saved for last!
She held her breath.  Oh, could it be a ring?

The glitter of its gems was unsurpassed.
Each stone adorned an object most exquisite.
She looked it up and down; then asked, “What is it?”

Details | Light Poetry | |

Christmas Bells Arent Ringing

Christmas bells aren’t ringing all through our little town, The zoning ordinances prohibit such a noisy sound. There are no carolers singing their songs of Christmas cheer, People are afraid to open their doors to strangers who draw near. Now Santa needs written permission to enter any locked domicile, With the arrests resulting from last year his Reindeer are still on trail. Don’t expect too much in your stocking at least nothing you might like, Labor negotiations have broken down and the elves have gone on strike. I hung a wreath on my front door and my neighbor gave me a laugh, The lights that he displays on his own house could land a small aircraft. There’s something in that eggnog that has made me lose my head, I nearly said Merry Christmas rather than Happy Holidays instead. Oh, I long for an old fashioned Christmas where everyone was bright, But until the world is sane again I’ll keep a silent night. And what of that little baby that started this whole thing, The more I think about him, the more I want to sing. So let’s all join together and prepare for what may come next, Let’s all share love, joy, peace and hope by sending out a text.

Details | Rhyme | |

Merry Christmas

No manger scene at city hall
or caroling at school,
no city workers stringing lights,
come on, you know the rules.

No pageants of the savior’s birth
we wish not to offend,
no prayers of thanks made publicly,
these laws we mustn’t bend.

No decorated Christmas tree
with ornaments all shiny
to be displayed on public land
or the ACLU gets whiny.

But Merry Christmas anyway
with joy to last the season,
just be careful what you say
or you may be charged with treason.

Carolyn Devonshire 
Contest Name Commercialized Holiday Humor Contest 

Details | Clerihew | |

Dragon and Santa

Christmas roses are red, and violets are so very blue…
Dear Santa. We love our dear Dragon and hope you do, too.
Nightly, visions of colors dance round and round his big bed. 
As delusions of grandeur… continuously dance in his head.

For him sugar plums dance swirling, in dreams oh… so… sweet.
As you know… that tomorrow will bring a new, disastrous treat.
But this is the nighttime, as he lays snuggly, sleeping in his bed.
Honestly don’t worry! For the moment, there’s nothing to dread.

See how he looks, like a sweet heart, innocent, while cozy in bed.
But to be truthful, to help Santa, This year like promised and said…
We gave Dragon… Just a few of those wee, little knockout drops.
Now Santa‘s coming, lickety split! We’re ready, here, like on a military op.

No fricasseed Santa, will happen this night, during Santa’s great yearly flight.
Last year was an accident, we swear! It was little Dragons 1st Christmas night.
When he's excited, he tends to throw fire, through the air, like a son of a gun!
We told you to run, not goo and make cutesy faces, after all he was only one!

And truth to be told, those strange faces on anyone would scare him, we fear!
To make matters more clear, we copied our book, on Dragon etiquette, Dear!
We sent it to the North Pole, and a fire retardant suit, in red, made just, for you.
Don’t lift the face plate, on top of the suit, hair singes fast, to blackened soot!

Suddenly, Santa’s sleigh on the rooftop did land, and he was there within a blink.
Last on his list, it was close to the morn, he wanted to meet Dragon, he thinks.
Entering the room, over a penguin he fell, and landed face down on Dragon.
Dragon woke up and gave Santa a hug, as a new story for Christmas was born.

Now all is well, after Santa was gone. For he got to meet the first Dragon child…
In a thousand years or more, and thankfully Dragon behaved as he smiled…
Two icons in life finally did meet, then they went off to Church and back again.
Now, don’t be surprised, such things can happen, on a day where miracles reign. 

All had a great Christmas with reindeer, Santa, Trolls, penguins and Dragon.
Can’t ask for more, at Christmas time, where Jesus in our minds, shines on
So have some good cheer and like Dragon and Santa, together, lets celebrate… 
You should know, by now, it’s never too late to participate…The End!

Details | Clerihew | |

Ole' Saint Nick

Too many cookies for "Ole' Saint Nick"
he got hung up on a brick
wedged in the flue
his red cheeks turned to blue...

Details | Villanelle | |

The Tree is Up-

The tree's up, though not looking very prim
its needles are shriveling and dying, 
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

The cat destroyed the decorative trim,
she says not, but I just know she’s lying,
the tree's up, though not looking very prim.

With kid’s socks hung the house smells like a gym
and my wife's upset and won’t stop crying,
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

Dog got the turkey so pickings are slim 
he just lays around hacking and sighing, 
the tree's up, though not looking very prim.

Strong winter winds are a scary prelim
to a blizzard as the snow keeps flying,
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

I got up to check the lights on a whim
and found the extension cord was frying.
The tree's up, though not looking very prim,
so this Christmas is feeling kinda grim.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Santas Christmas Wish

Dear Santa,

Remember that wish, to spend time with Dragon, you wanted to come true.
Well, we’ve found a way to make that wish, for you, to really, come true.
Now, don’t expect anything to go in a very usual and in a controllable way.
With Dragon, things just don’t ever; seem to turn out simple, in any way.

Well it all started, as Dragon got worried about terrorists, problems, and all.
Yeah, I know they’re no trouble for you… No… They aren’t… Not at all.
But Dragon’s so young, and a touch worried, and as we’ve all come, to know.
He wants, to fly with you, in your magic slipstream, to protect you, you know.

But Dragon can’t fly very far or very straight yet, being only 2 years old, you bet.
And we don’t want him bothering you, or knocking you out of the sky, you bet.
We talked to McRaccoon, in his Las Vegas Dragon show; he too, wants to go.
And you see, his whole bunch of Dragons, want to fly, thru the air, with you, so...

They’ll fly in a V formation; it’ll make a great, thing to see, so you must, let it be!
Our Dragon will ride upon the leader, and others will carry others, please, let it be!
Make-a-Wish children all want to go, wrapped up snuggly with their papa’s so...
McRaccoon will document it with pictures, for every one’s wall, and you did wish…

Yes, for a Dragon meet and greet to start things off, and your elves can help, also!
The Trolls will be there, to help with crowd control, and to get an autograph, also.
To remember us all… Dragon got a St. Christopher medal blessed by the Pope.
The Pope will give it to you, as he blesses your trip, which brings peace and hope.

Oh, and he’ll give you a very ancient, beautiful cross, for the years you’ve served.
Yes, while teaching us how to give, celebrate, and serve… engulfed in God’s love.
I’ll give you a toy Dragon to hang on your beautifully, amazing Christmas tree. 
The elves say your manger set there…is truly a sight of wonder, to be seen.

What! You agree! Dragon and all will be so touched, so, Thank you so very Much!
Our Dear…Dear Santa Claus!

Details | Light Poetry | |

Gift Receipt

Christmas is the time to kindly say gift receipt me please, Just in case the gift you give me don’t fully decorate my trees. When you shop there’ll be no need for you to put in a lot of thought, As long as there’s a gift receipt for whatever it is you’ve bought. Then I’ll be sure that I can get the right color and in my size, There really is no down side except for the lack of any real surprise. But after all we’re not kids and we know that magic is not fact, And a gift receipt can save hurt feelings with a modicum of tact. Then bake some Christmas cookies and mark them with my name, And I will also make a batch and with yours do the same. This way we are assured of getting all the ones that we love, I would like to thank you right now for going over and above. Today I saw a Christmas card at one of the local stores, I took a picture of it with my phone and sent it to you and yours. Share the spirit of Christmas with family, friends and everyone in between, And be sure to shop the after Christmas sales ‘cause it’s almost Halloween.

Details | Limerick | |

Who Knew-Peru

There once was a flawed broad named Maude
who wished to spend Christmas abroad
she ate Christmas dinner
with penniless sinners
for that was all Maude could afford.

Well ole Maude brought them black tea from China
and chocolate cakes from a diner
they ate guinea pig
and many a fig
while Maude poured them wine from Carolina.

Yes you've guessed it, I see that you knew
in Peru they eat Guinea Pigs in stew 
they wear colorful hats
and watch out for black bats
Maude's dinner will be in Cusco, Peru


Details | Rhyme | |

Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”

18th November 2012

Details | Free verse | |

Santa The Capitalist

New Year is at our doorstep
But first we have to celebrate Christmas peace

We are stressed up and vortices around the shopping centers
Always late with something,Always forgot something to someone

Back to the madness one more time,entering the battlefield again
But first of all..finding a free spot at the parkinglot..AHH! There`s one!

Screaming brakes next to me,another guy spotted it too
Move your ".blip." car you idiot,are you stupid or something?!?

Later on,we all gather around the table to eat Christmas dinner
Tell eachother how much we love our families and fellow human beings night..
My stomach is overloaded with christmas dinner and dessert

Santa is late though..must be overtime,again
Since he switched over to capitalism,he is stressed more than ever

Merry Christmas everyone,I will do my best
In reminding myself what Christmas is all about

Desember 23, 2011

Details | Light Poetry | |

My Lay Away Plan

I’d save up all of my extra pennies in a shoebox beneath my bed, And each night before I went to sleep I’d spend them in my head. Sometimes I’d spend the whole darned stash on something just for me, But sometimes I’d imagine myself on a less selfish shopping spree. When Christmas came I’d take out the box and count whatever I had, And try to decide how much I could spend on my brothers, mom and dad. Way back then you’d be surprised what you could get for just a buck, Coloring books, marbles and puzzles or maybe a toy pick up truck. My dad would get a tie that could brighten up any room, And for mom there was always a bottle of Walgreen’s best perfume. I could buy a gift for each member of my family for just five ninety-eight, And have enough left over for a Payday bar and go home feeling great. Then I’d wrap the gifts and label them and put them beneath the tree, I’d set them all towards the front so they’d see they came from me. And after they’d opened their gifts and Christmas wishes had all been said, I’d go upstairs and drop a couple of pennies into the shoebox beneath my bed.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Christmas Angst

Christmas is a tricky path for some people to yearly travel, With so much anticipation, for them things begin to unravel. The expectation that each one holds for this season of cheery light, Can fall apart as they anticipate the coming Holy night. Then by their wave of disappointment you may take the hit, If you’re standing in their line of fire when their fuse gets lit. It’s not the way that they would expect themselves to be, But when blinded by their wants they just can’t seem to see. And the meaning of Christmas that is found all around them, Never gets a chance to be near enough to touch or astound them. Don’t let their lack of vision blind you from the holy blessed light, And keep the true meaning of the season held firmly in your sight. And know that if you hold on to the friends that you love the tightest, That’s when the lights of Christmas will always shine their brightest.

Details | Free verse | |

Christmas Merriment

Snowflakes falling, falling all night
My pine tree adorned, now illuminating under snow
I brush and brush off, unveiling Christmas twinkling lights
Giving the white ground a colorful glow
An appearance of a Hallmark card, I must say
My children gather around the tree in merriment 
Then one by one they form fluffy snowballs
Laughing mischievously they begin to throw them at me
Well you can guess what happens next
Yep, before I was done they are covered in white
Red face and cold we all go indoors for the night
In front of the fireplace tired, beginning to warm
We look at each other and started to grin
Deep belly-laughs replaces the grins
You can't have enough of a good thing

For Nathan's "Christmas Joy" contest

Details | Free verse | |

Mrs Claus

Mrs. Claus was getting tired of it
He was getting too fat and it would not fit
Her fingers were bleeding from trying to sew him in
Why does he get all the attention when I have to work on him?

Oh, those elves making all that noise 
It is 2012 put up a sound barrier while making those toys
Papa Claus knows I like to watch my “soaps” at twelve
But with all that noise I just say, ‘What the hell!’

And the elves are afraid of reindeer, so no one helps a bit
I have to feed them, water them, make sure their ready for their trip.
Rudolf’s nose is not always so bright; I have to shine it every night
And when he has a cold, oh my goodness it makes me want to spit.

But, I do it for the boys and girls
Besides, I stamp my name on all those toys
I maybe Santa’s sidekick
But he would not get a thing done without me, not a lick!

("Soaps" is short for “Soap Operas” and "not a lick" is slang for “not anything” )

©Holly P. Moore
   December 2012

Details | Rhyme | |

'Twas The Day After Christmas

'Twas the day after Christmas and all was not well.
Even the resident mouse dare not stray far from its cell!
The family was snowbound due gale winds and snows.
Each tread lightly to avoid stepping on sensitive toes!

Though Christmas had been rather calm and serene,
The day after, presented a far different scene!
Creatures were stirring - Rusty the dog and Simba the cat.
Both were embroiled again in a long-simmering spat!

From the family room a screaming clamor arose,
Awakening Pa from his afternoon doze!
Seems that the kids could not readily agree,
On what to watch on their new high definitiion TV!

Pa groused about the usual socks and tie he received.
Ma got more potholders and was somewhat aggrieved.
The kids wanted to swap their gifts at the mall.
Pa muttered, "How am I to pay for it all?"

The expensive tree shed its needles - 'twas nearly bare.
Ma proclaimed that leftover turkey would be their fare.
At eventide they settled down for their long winters' naps,
Dreaming of a better outcome for next Christmas - perhaps!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Details | Rhyme | |

Hey Santa


Hi Santa 
For Christmas Id really like a car
but if a cars to big then I guess Ill take a bike.
Hey Santa
I've never noticed before
but gee you really do, look like my friend Mike.
So Santa
Back to this bike
Can it please please please be pink.
Thanks Santa
I know I've not been good all year
but I've been good all day.. I think.....  

A Christmas Wish In a Poem
Sponsored by: Michael J. Falotico

Details | Light Poetry | |

My 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
        A puppy that wouldn’t stop peeing on my tree.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
 	Two Turtle Doves who dropped a load, as I looked up in the tree.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Three little kittens that my puppy, chased up daily into the tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Four sets of ornaments to replace, those destroyed by kittens in the tree.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Five different promises that he would again, put up, The Silly Tree.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Six strands of lights to replace those chewed on, by my little puppy.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Seven hugs and kisses, so I’d PLEASE forget, about the Blooming Tree.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Eight Trolls a milking, chasing cows thru all my hedgerow shrubbery.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Nine Trolls a dancing, that all fell on, my once beautiful garden fencing.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Ten Trolls a leaping, as Caroling candles, burned down into their hands.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Eleven Trolls a smiling and ready to rebuild my burned down front porch.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me…
	Twelve Trolls a hammering and a nice big bottle of Tylenol… just for me…
Plus the happy thought, I’d survived a Christmas gift, planned with love… just for me.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and best wishes for twelve days of Christmas joy.

By CSEastman for: 12 Days of Christmas Contest

Details | Haiku | |


A Christmas wish list
A quick glimpse into my life
Not much going on

Details | Rhyme | |

Santa is Stuck

While trying to get down this chimney, I got stuck.
I can't budge, this really sucks!
You're wondering what's wrong, you're wondering what's the matter.
The kids have fed me too much milk and cookies and I've gotten fatter.
The owners of this house have seen me and they called the law.
They say I'm trespassing but I'm not trespassing, I'm Santa Claus.
The Cops have arrived and they're having to use the jaws of life.
Let's keep this to ourselves, I'll be put on a diet if you tell my wife.
This situation is so embarrassing but at least I'm not stuck anymore.
I'll never go down a chimney again, from now on I'm going through doors.

Details | Rhyme | |


When Santa got stuck down the chimney
What a terrible fright for young lives
Imagine the sight that then met them
Imagine their awful surprise.
With a crash and a thump and a holler
A bang and a whoosh and a boom
The magical globe trotting Santa
Daintily entered their room!

He landed full square in their fireplace
His hat flopped down over his eyes
He looked really much more like Black Beard
Except he was double the size.
The children sat up in amazement
Then hid and peeped through a crack
As this unfortunate dirty old Santa
Was hit on the head by his sack.

The air turned quite blue for a moment
When he finally uttered a cry
I’ve hurt every bone in my body
Was the gist of what he implied
Now Rudolph looked down from above him
Shook his head and then let out a sigh
Get up you clumsy old has been
We still have work left to do tonight.

Well Santa looked right up that chimney
His plight became clear in a flash
He was stuck with his sack at the bottom
And didn’t know how to get back.
The children, still hid in the corner
Just couldn’t believe what they saw
As this dirty old Santa recovered
Did his job and then limped out the door. 

They watched as he climbed out the window
His suit now completely akimbo
But Rudolph was there with the sleigh and a spare
He now had clean clothes to change into.
Once more Rudolph rescued the big man
Stamped his hoof, got him out of his whirl
Threatened to leave less he focus
You know, of course, Rudolph’s a girl!!!!                                                                                                                   
The children got up in the morning
Frustrated, annoyed and distressed,
For their bedroom looked just like a bombsite
Where two sacks of gifts had been left
Despite having left him a message
Stating ‘ please do not leave so much trash,
We are modern day children remember
What we want is a cheque or some cash’

Details | Light Poetry | |

A Tough Christmas Cookie

Two billion people are of the Christmas persuasion, Two billion people celebrate that most joyous occasion. If that is true, Santa has to visit 23,148 people every second. Which really is an awful lot as near as I can reckon. I know that magic plays a part of Santa’s yearly shtick, But even taking that into account it really is a trick. Because that one second includes travel time and chimney scaling Note reading, cookie eating, and occasionally board game playing. Even taking into account that there may be a temporal causality loop, That allows for the suspension of time for him and his happy little group. Imagine how long it would take in a reindeer driven sleigh, To visit each town and stop at each house along his way. And think of the toys that delight and make the children want to shout, The number of elves that it takes to build them would really freak me out. The logistics of this endeavor can really start to boggle your mind, The importing of raw materials alone could set you way behind. To us, Santa may seem a jolly carefree guy, but he never gets to play hooky, To run an organization such as that he must be one tough Christmas cookie.

Details | Light Poetry | |

Is it Here Yet

Just a single week from now today will be a week ago, By the time that tomorrow’s today we’ll be on the way you know. Then yesterday will be two days ago and today will be yesterday, And two days from now will be tomorrow at least that’s what they say. Before you know it the time will pass don’t say there was no warning, Pretty soon we will all wake up and it will finally be Christmas morning. But why does it have to take so long and why do the days grow longer? Why does each passing minute make the anticipation that much stronger? I wish that there was a way to make Christmas come today, But then I guess all I’d really be doing is wishing my life away.

Details | Light Poetry | |

The First Christmas Present

A spider spun a silver web in a mound of golden straw, Then he hid himself inside the stack, away from the wind so raw. He yelled down to the sheep below Who were trying to huddle close, “It’s times like this that I wish there was a fire for a mutton roast. For winter had come upon the land and his barn was deathly cold, He wasn’t sure if he’d survive the night if the truth of it were told. He tried to dream a dream of hope to get him through the night, But he couldn’t bring himself to sleep because of a blinding light. A star was shinning down on them as if the sun in mid-day glory, The little spider had yet to learn of the coming Christmas story. Below was a ewe with her lamb both snuggled up together, Trying their best to keep warm in the cold of the winter weather. “I’d never trade places with you anyway,” the mother sheep bleated out, “Why are you so happy in your hate to lend voice to pain and doubt?” The light from heaven kept them awake and staring in wide wonder, When two weary travelers entered in and the straw became their plunder. The little spider became dislodged as a nest of straw was piled, And he could see that one of the travelers was very great with child. The three companions watched it all; they’d never seen a human being born, They were all surprised when at his birth There came the peal of an angelic horn. A herald’s call went out to all the land announcing the newborn king, And the spider and the ewe shared a laugh to think of such a thing. Because this baby was so very small and his parents were so poor, Yet there was something about this newborn child that neither could ignore. The spider looked down on the ewe and said in a voice too bold, “This baby needs to be swaddled now to keep him from the cold. Good ewe I can spin for him a cover if you’ll allow me to use your fleece.” So together they worked to swaddle the child on this night of Holy peace. The mother smiled at them all as she took the blanket for her boy, Then laid him in a manger poor and they were overcome with joy. The meaning of this wondrous event was what made them all feel glad, For they had brought the first gift to the Lord by sharing what they had. And the warmth, which they had provided the child, also kept the three of them warm, May the loving joy that they discovered keep you this Christmas morn. Merry Christmas!

Details | Limerick | |

Plight of the Leftover Christmas Cookies

Cookies must not go to waste
Specially those of great taste
So right passed my lips
And straight to my hips
I WILL let them go to WAIST

I so love to munch and munch
They’re brittle now with a crunch
The flavors- still great
But don’t satiate
They’re great with my office lunch

My body keeps them in store
Why can’t I get through the door?
Should have thrown them out
Now I am more “stout”
Ok, perhaps just one more?

Eileen Manassian Ghali

Details | Rhyme | |

A Christmas Dinner

Our new minister was very young.
His bride was even younger.
My daddy said they looked to be
Just one short step from hunger.

My mama was the best cook
In the whole wide countryside.
She felt sorry for the preacher
And his timid little bride.

My mama had been canning fruits
Since the first weeks of September,
And baking pies and cakes and such
Since early in December.

She invited the young couple 
To come for Christmas dinner.
You should have seen his eyes light up.
He knew he had a winner.

I always sat by Daddy
Who took good care of my plate.
He gave me the choicest pieces
And cut it up before I ate.

I was really mad at Mama
When she put the preacher's wife,
Beside my daddy, in my place,
Where I'd sat all my life.

I saw him fill her plate up
As the good food came around.
The young bride sat there smiling
And she didn't make a sound.

And then my mama noticed
When he was cutting up her meat.
She said, "You needn't do that, Joe."
Her voice was soft and sweet.

My daddy looked at Mama
To hear better what she said
Then down at his table neighbor.
I could see his face turn red.

She said, "Thank you, Mr. Armey
For treating me so well."
What Mama said to Daddy later,
I am not free to tell.


For Contest "A Christmas Dinner,"   Humerous

Details | Quatrain | |

Blue Moonies

I was sitting in my chair one day Not a single care in the world My wife came by and mooned me! The room began to whirl and twirl Almost swallowed my dentures The shock made me quiver and quake Wasn't sure this old body of mine Would be strong enough to take My moustache curled, began to sweat I asked her in a plaintiff tone “Why d'ya want to shock me like that? My heart isn't made of stone!” She laughed and said, “Didn't you notice What was scrawled across me bum?” Said, “Have a very Merry Christmas And good will to everyone!” © Jack Ellison 2012

Details | Rhyme | |

The New Santa Claus

I'm locking up my house, because it's that time for thieves.
I need to Santa proof my place, because It's Christmas Eve.
If he does get in, I'm going to run and hide.
I left out some milk and cookies with rat pellets inside.
While he's eating the cookies and he's starting to sweat.
The reindeer will be caught in security nets.
"I'm sorry boys and girls, but Santa has to retire!"
I'm going to tie him to the tree and set poor Santa on fire.
Then I'm going to take the toys and keep them all to myself.
Even though I've been bad, no coals will be on my shelf.
Merry Christmas to me! This year is going to be grand!
I'll get whatever I want, if Christmas goes as I planned!
Wearing Santa Claus' suite I'll get in houses without keys.
In twenty seven minutes I'll rob twenty seven trees!
So all you little brats, don't you cry and sob.
With the recession and depression, I just needed a job.
A lot of things are going to change, but you all shouldn't be sad.
Now that I'm the new Santa, It doesn't matter who's bad.
I'll use the elves as my slaves and the toys will still come.
Instead of a Nintendo, you'll get a gallon of rum.
Toy guns are for babies, how about the real thing?
A candy neckless won't impress, I'll make sure that it's bling.
You said you wanted a pony? How about a deer that can fly?
No more lousy presents, no more socks, or bad ties.
I'll change... 
Wait... Wait a minute... Was that all just a dream?
Why do I only have coal under the tree and in my stocking?
Santa please come back! I promse I'll be better next year!
I promise I'll be good and I'll spred more Christmas cheer!

Did Santa Claus come back? Did he come like I thought he should?
No Santa didn't, but next year I'll be good!
I'll only do what is right, aleast to his satisfaction.
So he comes back to my house, and my plan goes back into action!

Details | Rhyme | |

Vanilla Ice before Christmas

Twas’ the night before Christmas and all through the town
All the kids drove from all over, heard Vanilla Ice was around
The DJ was set up by the chimney with care
Yeah the kids were a buzz; they knew soon he’d be there

The parents were all shopping, thought the kids were in bed
If they knew what was about to take place, they would go out of their heads
The moms in their sweaters and the dads in their caps
Stood in line patiently, thought they knew where their kids were at

When out on the lawn there landed a shiny G6
The kids all ran out so they could take some really cool pics
The lights were so bright from all of the flash
As the Ice man stepped out, all ready for the big bash

He waved to the crowd, he smiled ear to ear
The kids all jumped up and down while they clapped and they cheered
Ice Ice Baby is what he started to sing
Smiling and laughing as he flashed all his bling

The kids just partied and had a blast all night
Till their parents came home and saw this crazy sight
The music quickly stopped and everyone looked
But the parents just smiled cause yeah they understood 

“Ice, Ice baby! “, said one of the moms
As one of the dads cheered “Vanilla Ice is da bomb!”
The party carried on they didn’t want it to end
The kids all proclaimed “oh yeah, Vanilla Ice is MY friend”

As he gathered his posse and climbed back in the plane
All the people knew Christmas would NEVER be the same
He wished everyone “Merry Christmas” like none other
As he closed the door he yelled,” Goodnight everyone , Word to your mutha!”

Details | Light Poetry | |

For the Man Who Has Everything

While one of Bob’s daughters bought him a wardrobe of new shirts. The other one said, “I know what to do, I’ll make him some desserts.” While the first daughter gave him polo’s that made him look so neat, Then the second got busy in her kitchen and baked him things to eat. Through the year Bob lapped up his desserts like cream for a cat, And his shirts started to grow tight because he was getting fat. Next year for Christmas the daughters knew just what to buy, And everyone who saw said that Bob was one lucky guy. One daughter bought him clothes in the next bigger size, And the other one got him equipment to help him exercise. If you would ask the daughters about his fluctuating pounds, They’d tell you that this idea wasn’t as dumb as it sounds. You see this yo-yo weight scheme was their plan right from the start, So each Christmas they’d have something to warm their old man’s heart.

Details | Verse | |

Joy To The World

There once was a couple
Names of Mary and Joe
5 Months off wedded bliss
And not one seed did Joe sow.

Then one day Mary sat Joe down
Said she had news to make him glad
A wonderful thing had happened
And he was to be a dad.

Joe looked at Mary
As if she had gone crazy
Woman how can this be
I’ve done nought to make a baby.

It was a miracle says Mary
Happened the other night
The Lord visited me and I saw Heaven
And the room was filled with light.

He said to me you are chosen
To have a virgin birth
The child shall be the son of God
The saviour of all Earth.

Now Joe was a simple man
But of Mary’s tale he was not sure
Do you think I was born yesterday
Was it John from next door?

My darling Joe I tell the truth
This you must believe
You are the only one for me
Whom I would never deceive.

And Joe saw in Mary’s tears
That she was sincere
He said he would spread the word
And fill the world with cheer.

The world rejoiced and praised
When the baby boy was born
Gifts arrived daily by first class post
Gold, frankincense and perfume to be worn

Now Joe became a sadder man
Thoughts of Mary with another caused him pain
So he gathered up all the gold
And was never seen again.

Details | Narrative | |

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Details | Light Poetry | |

Holiday Trolls and Dragon

The Trolls that live in the Basement are having a jolly old time!
Our Hubby let them have a touch of that delish Elderberry wine.
Most then got gussied up like Santa, tho a few are now Batman.
Said they’re off, to find those big red pots, and ring those crazy bells!

Some want to volunteer at the hospital, but there’s no worry, my dear.
For none seem to be able... to open that darn basement door, this year.
Perhaps it’s for the better, for they are RATHER big and kind of tall.
Don’t want some thinking: mutant, crazy Santas are heading for the mall. 

Wait a minute! What do I see? They’re out! And escaping down the street!
All but one, that is, who’s on my mower, going to town, sitting on the seat!
He didn’t get it started, so like a little kid, he’s walking it. Isn’t that sweet!
Now don’t worry, I’ll call the neighbors up, for their yearly meet and greet.

That will slow them all down, until our friendly fireman does get to arrive.
He’s their Dojo master. They’ll listen to him without any questions, derived.
Besides, they can ride on his fire truck, as he speeds the Santa’s all over town.
Until they’re all worn out, tho they are also great help to stomp out any fires!

He’s teaching some to put out Dragons’ fire, and others how to handle a hose.
And we have carpenter Trolls that can rebuild so fast, before the sun has arose.
Yeah, everybody in town knows them, and Dragon who’s the truck mascot.
Dragon does the rescues, for as you know, fires don’t bother Dragons, a lot.

When they’re done, and all worn out, Grandpa Troll will lead them to the mall.
Where they’ll sing their favorite Christmas songs, and yes, get to ring the bell.
Finally we’ll lure them back home again, with Christmas cookies, for all, do tell.
They’ll warm up before a fireplace fire, that we let Dragon, finally start, for all.

Yeah, this happens every year, just like clockwork, during the holiday time.
You see, our Trolls are bigger than life, each with special, yet simple minds.
This year we taped it for a Christmas special… these special Basement Trolls. 
And with all the laughter, there won’t be, a single dry eye, left to behold.

Details | Rhyme | |

Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt Go Christmas Shopping

Scuddle Butt and Martzy Putt, those two nonsense senior rhymers,
Drank.  Yes, drank too much beer anticipating Christmas cheer.

We’ve got to stop; we need to shop; we’re out of time, old-timer.
The children called; they gave their list; we are Santa’s helpers...never fear!

They left to shop, but made a stop at Flander Shop, their favorite baker.
And there they ate so much rum cake each one became a belly achier.

Never mind, said Martzy Putt, ‘Tis the season to be jolly.”
So they wandered down the shopping strip for mistletoe and holly.

We have to buy great toys for kids: like bikes with streamers streaming.
Video games from the electronic store, jewelry, new clothes, DVDs, and more. 
Yikes! They started screaming; then, began some Christmas scheming.

They laughed all day at the thought of it, telling the children that Santa was dead.
About that time, the morning beer was still spinning around in their heads.

“Cheers, my dear friend, Martzy Putt,” and they joked about their plan.
All the while selecting gifts, doling out money…across Christmas land. 

© November 17, 2010
Dane Smith-Johnsen

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Ride

Dear Santa:

Our baby Troll Lilly started a discussion, last night, just to help… you know.
So Santa, I hope you don’t mind some advice from our dear family of Trolls.
Lilly had a question on a problem, about your ride, on your famous route.
She wanted to ask you, what happens when the reindeer get really pooped out?

Yes, she needs to know, what on earth you might do… so to her, you’d get thru?
I tried to assure her that you’d be all right, but she didn’t believe, that was true!
She began crying buckets of tears, so we told her just what we’d do to help you.
The Trolls also piped in, with great ideas to help, so she’d stop all the boo hoo’s.

They decided, their dragons would do, in case of a blizzard, and for extra warmth.
(But they’re too heavy to land on roofs; I cried for a week with mine, it’s the truth.)
Geese would be great in some areas, no doubt! But watch out where lakes are about.
Hunters may be present; Christmas goose is yummy when family gatherings sprout.

Most birds are strong and sturdy in flight, but watch out when full night comes.
They sleep in trees, so you’ll spend the rest of the night, hanging above the ground.
Bears are really sturdy, with great power in every move they ever decide to take.
But I doubt you could wake them in winter, without a truly massive earthquake.

Unicorns would be impressive, but my Trolls say that… they aren’t really real.
I say that they are, but you’d have to be on guard, people want their magic, to steal.
Planes would be impressive, but in a yard… they are really hard… to try to land.
Helicopters are so cool, but you’d be buried in the blowing snow, where you stand.

Dogs are good for mushing, but you might need a smaller sled to stand behind.
But, a few Trolls are perfect, with unswerving stamina, and strength well defined.
Another could help tote toys, sitting behind you and Lilly, who’d be great, by your side. 
These ideas cheered her up a lot, she was even laughing, and no more did she cry.

But if you use the reindeer, remember we could be, if needed, quickly by your side.
Have a Merry Christmas, and Santa; please give Lilly a Christmas wish ride.
And you can’t go wrong with reindeer, Lilly, and a few extra Trolls supplied.
Yours truly, From The Eastman’s and their Trolls

Details | Rhyme | |

Smokey's Christmas Turkey

Smokey, God rest his soul
the poor old dog was very full
that Christmas day years ago.
We took the turkey out to sit
and left for church to praise the lord.
It must have given Smokey fits
to see that big old turkey sit
there, on the counter, not far away,
on that holy Christmas Day.
Back in the car we rode home
singing off key  “Where Sheperds Roam”,
while our empty tummies groaned
and thoughts of turkey, gravy and pies
filled our hungry wanting eyes.
But as we entered the kitchen door
we saw the turkey there on the floor,
not a piece of meat on the bones,
as Smokey slept and snored and groaned.
What the heck, “Now if you please”,
Mom said “We’ll order out Chinese!"
So every year until today
we toast to Smokey on Christmas Day.

Written 12/15/2012

Details | Rhyme | |

Anansi and the Christmas Cake

It was Christmas time in Anansi’s house
But Anansi was snoring loud and deep
While all the house was up and busy
Sneaky Anansi was pretending to sleep

Anansi imagined lying on the beach
Soaking up some hot Jamaican sun
Christmas time with all its merriment
For Anansi was never, ever fun!

Poor Anansi - it’s such a crime
To not have fun at Christmas time!

Last year whist fixing the Christmas baubles 
He was jumping up, extremely mad
Because all the baubles kept flying off
And the crooked angel looked very sad

When he tore off the wrapper from his gifts
He always hoped for a nice surprise
But every year his presents were the same
Eight pairs of socks and two colourful ties 

Poor Anansi - the church bells’ chime
No fun for you this Christmas time!

And Christmas dinner was never enough
Because his wife entertained the whole town!
Cold scraps of dinner left on a plate
And a squeeze to find a spot to sit down 

And playing party games was such a bore
Card games he never had the knack 
Charades would leave him a little confused
Legs tangled with Twister or stuck on his back

Poor Anansi, you can bet a dime
No fun for you this Christmas-time

Never anything good to watch on TV
And the Queen spoke too posh and too slow
He didn’t even have a favourite book to read
Poor, poor Anansi with his Christmas woe

But there was just one thing about Christmas
That Anansi couldn’t wait to partake
Every Christmas his wife would prepare
The most delicious, scrumptious Christmas cake

Every year he sliced the biggest piece
Leaving his family to fight for the rest
Delicious, scrumptious with a scoop of ice-cream
This Christmas cake was always the best

Anansi made sure that everyone had gone
Before he scurried down for his Christmas treat
He looked in the oven, the cupboard the fridge
But couldn’t find any Christmas cake to eat

 “Surprise,” said his wife from behind him
“We are having fruit salad for a change!”
Then she handed him a large Christmas bowl 
Filled with tropical fruits of all range.

Poor Anansi - it’s such a crime
To have no cake at Christmas time!
To have no cake at Christmas time!
To have no cake at Christmas time!

Details | Free verse | |

Christmas Season

Santa Claus is a scary dude. 
Right up there with God. 
He watches our every move
and keeps score with a list
that he checks twice to 
prepare for judgement day 
and what might lay 
under the Christmas tree 
if you're not found naughty. 

I love that little baby in a manger 
and angels, shepherds, lambs , 
a bright star to follow. 
But the wise mens' gifts are suspect. 
Smart shoppers would bring
a rattle, toys, maybe a lullaby.

Santa, Jesus,  Christmas,
a season of light, anticipation and anxiety.
The big question pressing hard 
like steel on ice. 
Skating around sacrifice and salvation. 
For God sake who could ever hope to be that nice? 

Santa is not around after he delivers,
thankfully he leaves town and 
God sleeps like new parents do,
catching some Z's
after an evening of childbirth,
well wishers, three kings.

Christmas morning.
Hurry! Bring your best intention.
Escape! Wake up before anyone.
Open your present moment.

Details | Lyric | |

A Florida Christmas Jingle

Written to the tune of "Jingle Bells"

Here in Florida,
We don't get any snow,
We don't have sleighs to ride,
But we do have mistletoe!

For a little Christmas jaunt,
We'll drive 'round after dark,
To view the Christmas-lighted homes,
And displays at the park.

Ho! Ho! Ho! 
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!

Driving through the rain,
In a souped up Cheverolet,
Traffic's moving slow,
But hey, that's A-okay.

Christmas carols blare,
From the Chevy's radio,
We're having fun singing along,
Making words up as we go!

Ho! Ho! Ho!
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!
Ho! Ho! Ho!
He! He! He!
Christmas time is here.
Let's deck the halls and shop the malls,
To spread some Christmas cheer!

12/4/2011 for Debbie Guzzi's Deja vu Christmas contest.

Trying to think of a Christmas song or story that I could modernize, Jingle Bells popped in my head.  I live in Florida and it doesn't (usually) snow here, so tried to come up with a snowless version of the song.

Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Sheep

Christmas Sheep
Winter is a coming in upon this Christmastide
And snowflakes fall on field and fell across the countryside
To cover brown and green, they spread their one blanket of white
And here and there, a white bump hints at something out of sight

Does he know it's Christmas, that sheepie in the snow?
Most likely not; he knows it's cold with no warm place to go.
He's somewhere there below the white, with snow piled up around
Wondering where went the light, what happened to the sound?

There is no time to hesitate, leave rescue undelayed
Put on your boots and hasten out, armed with your trusty spade
To dig around that snowclad hump that hides the sheepie form
And take that festive sheep inside, somewhere that he'll be warm

So do not get a Christmas tree, they don't belong inside
Get, instead, a Christmas sheep to celebrate Yuletide
Decorate him if you wish; things suitable to chew
For a Merry Christmas spent in company of ewe

Details | I do not know? | |

Country Christmas

“Country Christmas Carol”      ---  dedicated to my family

 by  Miriam  McCue (creator of flamingo art, & far.)

We love to sing Christmas songs,
My Grandson Bubba and I.
And when we sing Country Christmas.
We almost make the angels cry.

A Merry Country Christmas
To all those great Country Folk,
And even to the City Slickers,
Who also love to drink and smoke.

We’ll take a drink for Bubba, Aunt Mike and Cousin Jim, 
And hope that this Christmas,
They’ll say a prayer and sing a hymn.

Gather round the still, 
Country People all.
 And hold up Uncle Bill
So the old coot doesn’t fall. 

A Merry Country Christmas, 
One full of country joy.
Little Willie wanted a 12 gauge,
But all he got was a toy.

Details | Epic | |

Counting down the Days to Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my granny gave to me, an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the second day of Christmas my granny gave to me, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the third day of Christmas my granny gave to me, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the fourth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the fifth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the sixth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the seventh day of Christmas my granny gave to me, seven cocks a crowing, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the eighth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, eight dogs barking, seven cocks a crowing, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
 On the ninth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, nine women baking, eight dogs barking, seven cocks a crowing, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the tenth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, ten birds chirping, nine women baking, eight dogs barking, seven cocks a crowing, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the eleventh day of Christmas my granny gave to me, eleven bikers riding, ten birds chirping, nine women baking, eight dogs barking, seven cocks a crowing, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree
On the twelfth day of Christmas my granny gave to me, twelve carolers singing, eleven bikers riding, ten birds chirping, nine women baking, eight dogs barking, seven cocks a crowing, six hedge hogs and five shining bulbs, four Christmas cards, three baking tins, two jingle bells and an ornament to put on the Christmas tree

Reference/ Inspiration: The twelve Days of Christmas

Details | Rhyme | |

Unidentified Flying Object

On Christmas Eve the stratosphere was rent with strange communication,
As an Air Force pilot in his F-16 was on routine patrol protecting his nation!
He was tooling along when suddenly on his radar a weird object did appear!
It was zipping along at mach three speed and came so close he had to veer!

"Tower!  I've had a near miss by an object flying at thrice the speed of sound!"
"Roger, Snoopy One!  Are you sure?  We've had no such report from the ground!"
"Tower!  It came over the horizon from the north and gave me quite a fright!"
Please affirm if Area 51 is playing games with a new toy on this frigid night!"

"Negative, Snoopy One!  Kick in your after-burner and give the thing a chase!
Arm your rockets, watch your six and keep your trigger ready just in case!"
"Roger, tower!  I have him on my radar but I have no visual on him yet!
If he causes any mischief, me and my ol' F-One Six'll get 'im, you can bet!"

Though he poured on full military power he just could not keep apace!
To the befuddled pilot, the object was seemingly lost without a trace.
He was concerned that on this Christmas Eve, aliens from outer space,
Were invading earth and that he alone was left to save the human race!

Fighter planes from NATO nations were also scrambled to join in the hunt!
At last the pilot received a call from his commander and it was rather blunt!
"Snoopy One!  Your mission is terminated!  Return to base without delay!
NORAD has confirmed that the object you saw was Santa and his sleigh!"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Details | Rhyme | |

What I Want For Christmas

What I want for christmas dont fit under that
Cause it dont involve to much shopping.
Just very little clothes a warm bed and you and me.

You can warp yourself in a bow.
Well share some special holiday cheer.
Over the bed is the perfect place to hang the misletoe.

What I want my dear ya dont have to buy.
Have Ibeen good all year.
Well honey I did try.

Why miss claus I never knew you shopped at
fredricks of holywood.
Spike that eggnog turn down the lights.
we'll try to keep it a silent night
but I dont think we could.

Baby I want the same pressent every year
and for that matter why not every day?
Im just in the holiday spirt what can I say.

Yes from santa I expect a lump of coal.
Makes me wonder why santas so jolly.
Hey I wonder do they gotta strip club at the north pole?

What I want for christmas is a bottle of wild turkey
and you in my bed.
Yes it's more like the playboy mansion.
Than sugar blums dancing in my head.

So my wish for this christmas to yours and you.
keep these holidays happy instead of crazy pulling
out your hair listening to Elvis singin bout a christmas 
so blue.

Details | Verse | |

Mary And Joe

There once was a couple
Names of Mary and Joe
5 Months off wedded bliss
And not one seed did Joe sow.

Then one day Mary sat Joe down
Said she had news to make him glad
A wonderful thing had happened
And he was to be a dad.

Joe looked at Mary
As if she had gone crazy
Woman how can this be
I’ve done nought to make a baby.

It was a miracle says Mary
Happened the other night
The Lord visited me and I saw Heaven
And the room was filled with light.

He said to me you are chosen
To have a virgin birth
The child shall be the son of God
The saviour of all Earth.

Now Joe was a simple man
But of Mary’s tale he was not sure
Do you think I was born yesterday
Was it John from next door?

My darling Joe I tell the truth
This you must believe
You are the only one for me
Whom I would never deceive.

And Joe saw in Mary’s tears
That she was sincere
He said he would spread the word
And fill the world with cheer.

The world rejoiced and praised
When the baby boy was born
Gifts arrived daily by first class post
Gold, frankincense and perfume to be worn

Now Joe became a sadder man
Thoughts of Mary with another caused him pain
So he gathered up all the gold
And was never seen again.

Details | Rhyme | |

Rudolph and His Red Nose

Out in the woods a deer was born
on a snowy day one springtime morn
He was a special deer... so cute he was
he was covered in spots and a warm coat of fuzz 

They named him Rudolph out of a bunch of names
and hoped that he'd grow to play reindeer games
Winning the games could help him one day
to secure a spot pulling on Santa's sleigh 

He loved to run and jump real high
that Santa said, one day he'll fly
He grew real quick...much faster than most
'cause his mother only fed him with jelly and toast

Now this is where the story starts
'cause it made him have explosive farts
They blew him through the tree's so quick
that his nose would smack on every stick

Christmas time was coming near
and Santa asked, where's that tree smacking deer
He knew he must have this deer around
for his farts could help get the sleigh off the ground

Now when Rudolph arrived to help Santa that year
he was the only red nosed tree smacking deer
So, Santa put him at the front of the sleigh
he knew his red nose could help him some way

Through every storm it shined so bright
for it helped him make it through the night
Now all of the presents were delivered that year
with the help of that red nosed tree smacking deer

His farts left a taste in the mouths of most 
but it wasn't too bad 'cause of the jelly and toast
So, if you want Rudolph to help Christmas day
put a light in the front and him in back of the sleigh

Details | Couplet | |

Twelve Days Of Christmas

His young bride took The Twelve Days of Christmas to extreme extremes!

His true love kept piling on useless stuff well beyond his wildest dreams!

On the First Day of Christmas she gave him a shovel for shoveling snow!

On the Second Day of Christmas she gave him a cheap jug of Red Bordeaux!

On the Third Day of Christmas he was presented with a scruffy mutt!

On the Fourth Day of Christmas he received a one-way ticket to Terre-Haute!

On the Fifth Day of Christmas she graced his skull with a silly beanie cap!

On the Sixth Day of Christmas she handed him an African contour map!

On the Seventh Day of Christmas he got a used Michelin radial tire!

On the Eighth Day of Christmas he was stunned to receive a roll of barbed wire!

On the Ninth Day of Christmas he received a membership in the Red Hat Society!

On the Tenth Day of Christmas a collection of buttons - a most bizarre variety!

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas a parrot that spoke dirty words so gross!

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas he got a Visa Card bill leaving him morose!

He was underwhelmed by all her generosity but thought it mighty queer,

And was so thankful that Christmas came around just once a year!

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Stunning Christmas Wishes

Better be ready Santa
I have the best wishes upon these stanzas

A flying cow for Christmas
And don't forget the hippopotamus for the adjust

Caroling jingling jingle which knitted for fun
Please seek it within the over side of fairy's barn

Maybe it still there lays on its lazy chair
Enjoying the fresh hot green tea with the hippopotamus pal on a smokey hair

Once I saw it flew
Once upon a time when the night caught in blue

The flying cow flew 
And don't forget it still shouted in moo

The hippopotamus along flew ..... ..... ..... 
Of course not! You know the hippo is heavy, don't you?

I want a flying cow for Christmas
I know the Santa will grant fast, but it should be paid with a huge trust

Santa said flying cow should not be given in solely
Hippopotamus was the bonus which I could have it for free

Now I had two presents in delivery
I will gladly welcoming you by chocolate cookies and hot tea 

(and both are sugar free) :D

7th Place
A Christmas Wish In a Poem Contest
Sponsored by: Michael J. Falotico

Details | Light Poetry | |

The Head Hunter Christmas

We have a Christmas tradition in our family as you’re about to see, We’ve always hung a shrunken head in the boughs of our Christmas tree. His eyes and mouth have been stitched shut which makes him pretty scary, This is why he’s called the grouch even though to us he is quite merry. What was it that brought him to this spot at the center of our shrub? He’s not the normal décor you would say but our traditions we’ll never snub. Before my mother had met my father she went for a day at Disneyland, She decided to purchase a souvenir that was being sold at a stand. Mom told her roommate that she would buy whichever one that she said, Her roommate smiled an impish grin and pointed to the shrunken head. Mom adorned her front door with the head so when my dad first came to call, He knew he’d found a girl with a sense of humor to match his after all. When they’d wed the Grouch had earned a place in their Christmas season, The love of laughter that they shared was represented by this reason. So by the time that I was born the Grouch had always been hanging there, To take him from the Christmas tree would make the branches look too bare. I know that a shrunken head from Disneyland is not for everybody’s taste, But in our family the Grouch’s head can never be replaced. So sing your songs of Christmas joy and hold fast to your traditions, And try to hold fast to your head on your next holiday expedition.

Details | Rhyme | |

What Is Christmas

What Is Christmas by Robert Allison Dec. 1986

Christmas is the time
When the jingle bells rhyme.

Boys say Christmas is fun
When they get a new toy gun.  **

Girls say Christmas is a ball,
When they get a brand new doll. **

Boys and girls say "Yay"
To a fun ride in a sleigh.

Most teens would love a new computer,
And most women would love figurines made of pewter.

Now don't forget the dad's
Cause they love the latest fads.

Well all this makes a Christmas nice,
But when going to a party - don't slip on the ice!

Author's Note : This poem was the very first one that
I created during my senior year at high school, before
Christmas break. It was a private (Christian) school and our 
English teacher asked us to write a couple paragraphs (or a poem) 
about what Christmas meant to us. I didn't know whether to 
write about the worldly side or the religious side of Christmas,
and I had never wrote a poem before. By the time class
was over with, I had created the short poem above. 
  ** In the original version - I had substituted "new toy gun"
with "Rambo gun", and also substituted "brand new doll"
with "Barbie doll". These two brand names were the 
current "craze" but I later substituted the words - due to 
all the lawsuits over copyright infringement at that time.
  Anyways, enough rambling from me. Hope you enjoyed !

Details | I do not know? | |

More than weather, can be frightful or Unseasonal Christmas

Used to be the weather was frightful
People covered themselves from head to toe
Now, despite the fact it’s Christmas season
I see more sand, than I see snow
The temperatures keep on elevating
To the moon, they just seem to rise
Oh, where is the Christmas of yesterday
The rosy cheeks, windows fogged with ice

It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town

Frosty, it seems we’re not gonna see him
Heat miser, now, has gotten his day
Can’t ole Jack Frost do something about this
And chase the warm weather away
No need to chop wood set for burning
The heated air replaces that in the hearth
I hope it gets cold and very soon, too
Because Christmas puts warmth in everyone’s heart

It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town

Oh, when Christmas day finally gets here
Right now, I’ll tell ya, all I wanna see
Are people with scarves and gloves on their hands
And snow bringing life to all barren trees
I want the temps to chill me right to the bone
That’s when I’ll know it’s Christmas time
Who wants to look up and see a sleigh
With a fat man in a speedo, flying around

It’s just too warm now for Christmas
Too hot to shop, too hot to run around
Santa’s working at the pole in a speedo
That’s nothing, we wanna see come to town

Details | Rhyme | |

I Personally Know A Monster

*Please note: This poem was written for MY brother this Christmas. He is twelve w/braces.
He annoys me twenty-four seven!
And sometimes I can’t even sleep!
Especially when he snores and claims
in the morning that he didn’t make a peep!

He is filthy, disgusting, and appalling!
Picking food out of his mouth after  meals!
Often I think he is crazy!
I mean c’mon... he doesn’t even walk on his heels!

But no matter how strange he is,
Nasty and smelling like scat,
I've got to put up with his vexation
because he’s my brother and I kinda have to love him for that.

Details | Rhyme | |

Something's wrong with Santa

He is stuck in the chimney,
which I think Britney
Spears would find very funny.

He's moving his legs in the air,
birds looking at him with no care
as to the ordeal he's given a dare.

It is 24th December, nearing midnight,
and there is no possible sight
of anyone who can replace Santa,
as the Christmas Master....

Details | Light Poetry | |

Justice Santa Style

This Holiday collaboration is brought to you from Carolyn Devonshire and Tony Lane. Carolyn wrote all of the even stanzas and I wrote all of the very odd ones. 

I was driving the interstate while on a get away, Escaping from a situation even if only for today. I might not forget everything but I was going to try, Nothing to distract me until her tail light caught my eye. She was weaving in and out of traffic, looking pretty squirrelly. Her horn kept blaring as she was jumping lanes erratically. It was near the holidays; didn't want the white-haired lady to crash. Gifts were piled high in her car; she had quite a Christmas stash. I signaled for her to pull over to see if I could render aid, To see if I could help and I hoped she wouldn’t be afraid. But when I got to her door it was not what I had feared, The long white hair was attached to some guy with a beard. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" he said, "Merry Christmas to you, officer. Rudolph has a cold, so many gifts I had to transfer.” Startled by his greeting, I knew Santa had no license. “You’re having some problems,” I said, “and snowfall’s getting dense.” “How did you know that I was a cop? I’m on a little break, I needed to get away a while because I’ve made a big mistake. But I saw you swerve and I’m not sure you’ll make it back alive, So how about we load my truck because I’ve got four wheel drive.” “Ah, Tony boy, here’s a gift for you; I knew that you had erred. Your son wrote me a letter and this is what I heard: “Please bring my Dad Viagra. His sperm is moving too slow. And I want a little brother, but this you surely know.” “Well, Santa, I don’t want to say that your good deed is out of place, And I’ll still be happy to drive so fast you’ll think you’re in a race. I can’t accept that gift and I sure don’t mean to burst your bubble, But that little blue pill you have is exactly what got me into trouble.” That’s when Claus reached into his pocket and winked, saying, “I know. But this time use it with your wife and just watch her face glow. And here,” he added, as he tossed red and green balloons at me, “These are Christmas condoms to use with your barmaid Betty!” Then he grabbed for my keys and this much I know, He left me standing there in a cold drift of snow. And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all and to you, a really, really, really good night!!!”

Details | Rhyme | |

Mrs Clause is Naughty!

O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Your beard is so darn sexy!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
You make me want you badly!

I dream of you, all night through
Make my Christmas wish come true!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Your belly is so Sexy!

Leave your suit on the toy shop floor
Lets hide behind the closet door!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
You always leave me wanting more!

O Santa Clause O Santa Clause
Leave only just your boots on!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Leave only just your boots on!

You naughty man, you want me too
You look at me, I know you do!
O Santa Clause, O Santa Clause
Your beard is so darn sexy!

Inspired by Johns Crazy Christmas Carols
Tune of: O Christmas Tree

Details | Quatrain | |

Hissss Christmas Gift

One Christmas I got a wonderful gift
That I knew without even a shake
Coz the sound, made inside the box  
Was of a brand new rattlesnake

I thought wrapping up a real live snake
Must have been very hard
But my bro’ said, when he stuffed it in
He held its head down with the card

Though he said it tried biting the UPS man
Somewhere along his brown jacket
But there was no way that it could break skin
Since he had dog bones in his pocket

Well, I grabbed the snake with mom’s new Ove-glove
And placed it in my stocking with care
Then I heard it rattle, while it did battle
With the wind-up toys that were in there

At the dinner table I got so upset
When beside me was a candle holder
To stick the snake in and light it up
But they joked; it would only smolder

Then after eating, we watched the game
But when my dad reached for the chips
The day turned worse so very fast
When his finger, touched the snake’s lips

I yelled, “Bad rattlesnake, let go of dad
Now look what you have done.”
Then when dad fell in the hot wings
My brother quickly dialed, 911

Well, we all got to ride in the ambulance
Though for reasons, very regrettable
And even though it’s been thirty years
That present is still, unforgettable.

By David Fisher 11/27/13 for Perfect Christmas Gift contest

Details | Lyric | |

Southern Christmas Ya'll(USA)

Sleighbells ring are you kidding?
In the lane sun is shining
It's a beautiful sight, I'm coatless tonight.
Walking in the southern Christmas air.

In the meadow we will build a manger.
In the south they aren't a stranger.
We're happy tonight when we see the sights.
Walking in the southern Christmas air.

On the highways you'll see a hay sculpture
We pay to take a decorative light tour
We're happy tonight when we see the lights.
Walking in the southern Christmas air.

Walking in the southern Christmas (warm) air.

Sung to the tune of Walking in a Winter Wonderland.
Everyone is invited to add a verse or improve mine.
Sara Kendrick helped me write this one. Thanks, Mom!!

Details | Free verse | |

Our Christmas Tree

Our Christmas Tree is still erect
Makes us feel so good
Has that effect.
It's so pretty-can't tuck away
Looks like we're keepin' it up
nice and ready for Christmas Day!

Copyright McCuen 2009

Details | I do not know? | |

Fizzy Christmas

Fizzy Christmas
By Danny Sroda

There is a story which has been untold
Which I cannot any more withhold
It's about a man who you all know
Who lives out in the land of snow
Father Christmas was his name
Until that episode of shame
When he started wearing all that red
And he became Santa instead

I wonder if you've ever thought
If not I think you really ought
To consider why he made this change
If you think about it, it's quite strange
One day he was a fairy tale
Until his agent made a sale
Like David Beckham, he was sold
To the ones who promised lots of gold

So he changed his name and changed his clothes
He was dictated to by those
Who thought their business could cash in
On Santa's warm and friendly grin
Before he knew it he was cloned
When he read the contract how he groaned
What have I done? the old man said
I must have sawdust in my head

They've got me by the crystal balls
In all the schools and shopping malls
There's a fellow with a clip-on beard
Who all the children think is weird
They know it's not the real me
But still they sit upon his knee
So they can humour mum and dad
And show them it's no passing fad
And that they always will believe
But they know it's really uncle Steve
Who's dressed up in those silly clothes
They can recognise his big red nose
Dad says it comes from too much beer
He looks like Rudolph the Reindeer

While those impostors take my place
I have to work a crazy pace
I've only got one Christmas Eve
To make certain that I will achieve
This mammoth task that lies ahead
While all the children are in bed
Seven billion homes in just one night
Do you think I get some strange delight?
In driving through the sleet and snow
In temperatures fourteen below

Poor Rudolph dreads it every year
So do the other eight reindeer
Delivering seven billion gifts
Through avalanches and snow drifts
Can be a pretty tricky feat
When at every house we have to eat
A carrot and a large mince pie
And if I drank the brandy I would die

Still I suppose it could be worse
Just think if it was in reverse
If I didn't get a tasty treat
No carrot for Rudolph to eat
We'd have to go to Pizza Hut
And then the boss would kick my butt
He'd refer me to the HR clerk
For going AWOL whilst at work

So I need to get my conscience clear
My image rights have cost me dear
It was making me uptight and stressed
So with this letter I've confessed
You see I am just like the rest
In the rat-race and depressed to read the rest!

Details | Quintain (English) | |


Three silly kids from beautiful Montana
thought there was snow in North Carolina,
and sliding down the fluffy slopes.....
they kept going for months 'till they hit rocks!

They were shocked and realized that the further
down they went, the less snow they found....
" We haven't seen an inch of snow and it's December! " 
They exclaimed seeing grass still on dry ground.

Every December tons of snow fell in picturesque Brockway,
mountains' slopes plunged into lovely pristine rivers;
it was fun coming down, splash in the cold water and play,
then swim across with frozen toes and clogged ears.

They recalled riding fast sleights and humming carols, but in Andrews
there was no Christmas magic to hold them in useless wait;
bundled up as northern folks, they waited for snowflakes, not blues...
one of them complained, " No blue Christmas this year, let's split! " 

Three silly kids from beautiful Montana
thought there was snow in North Carolina,
and disappointed as kids on Christmas Eve, they suddenly decided to leave;
New Year's Day was a week away and their unhappy hearts started to grieve!

Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Eve

It’s Christmas Eve
And all through the house
Not a creature is sleeping
Not even a mouse

The stockings still hanging 
Are empty and bare
It’s just a sign that dear Santa
Still hasn’t been there

Dad’s in the living room
All full of good cheer
And mum’s in the kitchen
Checking turkey juices are clear

The kids are all hyper
And won’t go to their beds
It must be the sugarplums
Dancing round in their heads

Gran’s in her nightie
And I’m in mine too
We’re watching Polar Express
The second time through

But out in the garden
We heard such a clatter
So we all ran to the window 
To see what was the matter

And there in the darkness
Spread out on the lawn
Was dear Uncle Albert
Seven parts gone

And lying around him 
Was our Christmas display
He mustn’t have seen it
And tripped over the sleigh

So now all the reindeer
Are broken in bits
And we stood at the window
In hysterical fits

No Prancer, no Dancer
No Doner, no Blitzen
Nor Comet, or Cupid
Or Dasher, or Vixen

Dear Uncle Albert
He righted himself
With some help from my gran
And a little bit from myself

We all headed inside
To turn in for the night
I snuggled under my duvet
And switched off the light

Details | Rhyme | |

Santas Little Helpers-part1

'Twas the Night before Christmas and I must confess,
the year 1987, started out just like all of the rest,
with christmas lights twinkling from everyone's dwelling,
but believe me it was different and far more compelling!'

'I'm Sarah, a reporter, who's delivering this tale,
from Chris' own journal this story's regaled,
'I was down in his cellar to take a quick look,
when high up on a shelf was a thin little book!'

'It was dusty and I coughed as I turned the first page,
written in Santas' own words now yellowed with age.'
'December 20th, three of my deer have the flu,
mere days before Christmas-Whatever will I do?'

Just think of it friends-All those poor girls and boys,
searching for that gift from Santa or that special toy!
'Maybe it is a doll, some baseball cards or a game,
with faces abeam, they clutch their gift, yelling 'Oh, it came!'

Reading on, I sympathized with Chris' own plight,
only a few reindeer to pull the heavy sled through the night!
Santa wrote, 'I thought to ask God for an angel or two,
then realized, they were probably too busy with all that they do!'

'For they surely were busy, helping those left alone,
and directing others to shelters, when they had no home,
but the hardest of all, to which I have cried,
is when they comfort the family-at a teen's suicide!'

'I am still in great awe, at God's fabulous gift to me,
the power to reach children and leave a gift under the tree!'
'So I'll fly through the night with only five deer,
and somehow make my deliveries as I do every year!'

'I'll use a shorter harness and reposition the deer instead,
with the strongest in front to balance my heavy sled.'
The pack of toys in the center and I in my seat,
and I'll place one in the lead with the nimblest of feet!'

- Well it's Christmas Eve and so far nothing's gone wrong,
half the world's now visited, the gifts where they belong,
but my reindeer are more tired each time I sneak a glance
and now's no time to rest as we are heading through central France.

'Suddenly our speed begins to drop while flying through space,
the sleigh starts to sway, as my leader's hip slips out of place,
desperately I pull up on the other reindeers' tethers,
but we are fallin' too fast, through the cold foggy weather!'

'Looming ahead, I barely saw the darkened castle,
manouvering toward it, proved to be more than a hassle!'
'We hit the turret wall, up and over we dropped,
and bouncing, skidding and braking we finally came to a stop...'

Details | Free verse | |

It's Christmas again

Dear Family who never call,
Its Christmas again,
And needless to say I dislike you all,
But despite all my loathing.
For your stupid fat faces,

I’ve wrote you a poem,
All full of airs and graces,
Oh it’s Christmas, so, I'll blow my nose,
The poems all festive, so here it goes:
If you ask me it’s all a farce,
You can blow your Christmas out your arse,
All the greedy-robot-shoppers, drooling and grasping, makes me sad,
Wide-eyed-bloated-screaming-brats, all clawing and grasping mad,
Filling their shopping bags with the latest things they saw on the telly
Cramming their trollies with vast amounts of food for the belly,
Yes if you ask me It fills me with fear,
You can ram your Christmas in your wax filled ear,
All the mindless-nine-to-five-morons consume and consume and tell me I’m their brother,
All dressed up to the nines swarming our towns they kiss and hug and sing to each other,
Prancing, posturing and drinking to much booze with their haircuts and shoes
I’d like to take to the streets with a shotgun; I’ve got nothing to lose,
Yes if you ask me It makes me cry,
You can poke your Christmas in Santa’s eye!
All the pretty pretentious families gather around fake smiles and wrapped gifts,
They eat lots of cake with their glistening eyes,
But it isn’t long before their mood shifts,
Soon they’ll be drunk and at each other’s throats 

Saying “I luv you so much, I luv you” “No, no I really really love you” what a charade, what a joke.
Yes if you ask me, at Christmas I will point and laugh and shake my head,
It’s an empty hollow sham, based on a make believe religion, tatty, garish, cheap and all the true festivity is dead

Details | Rhyme | |


I had enough money saved to buy an XBOX One.
It was going to be a Christmas Present for my son.
It turned out that every XBOX One was sold out in every store.
But one place wasn't completely sold out, they had one more.
When my wife was about to get the last XBOX, another woman grabbed it first.
My wife slapped the crap out of her and the situation went from bad to worse.
My wife was arrested and she was thrown in jail.
I had to use the money for the XBOX One for bail.
That woman eagerly pressed charges when she got hit.
When our son got nothing for Christmas, he threw a fit.
I told him that family is the best present to have for Christmas but he didn't see it that way.
My wife and I both got the finger from our son on Christmas Day.

(This is a fictional poem)

Details | Free verse | |



Details | Rhyme | |

Vegetarian Christmas

A cow a pig a turkey and a goose
By the farmer were turned loose
To eat lush grass and the finest corn
To fatten them up for Christmas morn

They ate so well and got so fat
They could not move what you think of that
Even when they saw the farmer coming
They were just too fat to start a running

As he approached with rifle and axe
They thought they might as well relax
There was a shot and whoosh as the axe came down
Then they saw the farmer with a frown

Their worst fears were not realised
The farmer stood there paralysed
A vegetarian he would have to be
For his animals he could not kill you see

I wrote this for a vegetarian friend 
No animals were slaughtered in the end
Yet I know he will not eat Christmas dinner with me
For on the table there will be, the pig, cow, goose and turkey

Details | Blank verse | |

I knew it was Christmas

I knew it was coming up to Christmas when Mom started to stress
About the lack of money and if she could get us all a new dress
I knew it was Christmas Eve when we left Father Christmas a drink & mince pie
& when we went to bed we were told not to peep, but we always risked one eye
I knew it was Christmas morning when we rushed down to find presents, but not too many
There was usually  a doll , a football,  tin of toffees, an orange and a bright shiny new penny
I knew it was Christmas breakfast because it was the only time we had a full English
That crispy bacon, fatty sausage and runny egg, wow what complete bliss
I knew it was Christmas afternoon because Nan got her Advacaat out
Top of the Pops on so loud, “turn that racket down” Grandad would shout
I knew it was Christmas Evening as the relatives would all come for a party
Packed into our tiny home would be cousins, Uncles and Aunties
I knew it was Christmas Party in full swing, as Uncle got out his trumpet
And started to murder songs by Acker Bilk and his hero Herb Alpert,
I knew it was going to get interesting when the men all went into the kitchen to open the 7 pint beer barrel
& the older generation insisted we all sang Carol after Carol
Then Mom and Auntie would get out their bottles of sherry
Auntie’s wig would slip further down her forehead, as she got more & more merry
Eventually my husband came into our lovely family clan
& every year I  knew it was time to call it a night when
He was always the first to “pass out” on the floor
Family would have to climb over him to get to the front door
I knew it was Boxing Day when Nan reached for the Bigmag because of her over indulgence
& the other grown-ups were holding their heads because of their festive involvement
Nowadays Father Christmas has lost a little of his charm & has changed into “Santa”
Who children think can bring toys galore, the price tag doesn’t seem to matter
Kids don’t think of it as a religious celebration, only of what presents they got
It’s such a shame the true meaning of the festive season seems to be lost

Details | Rhyme | |

Santa's lost his sat nav

Santa's lost his sat nav
And does not know what to do
"Why did I choose technology,
Old ways are best, it's true"

He's in a bit of bother
And with Christmas drawing near
He cannot help but wonder
If he'll get to spread his Christmas cheer

Mrs Claus has helped him in his search
The elves have helped look too
But nobody has had much luck
"Oh what am I to do"

"I could always ring old Rudolph,
He might be free to lend a hand,
After all he was my guiding light
And delivered well on my command"

So Santa rang dear Rudolph
And told him of his plight
Rudolph was quite keen to help
He couldn't wait to lead the flight

On Christmas Eve they all set off
Gliding high up in the sky
Santa had forgotten
How well Rudolph helped them fly

It was then that he decided
He would stick to his reindeer
And forget about his sat nav
When spreading Christmas cheer

So if in the sky on Christmas Eve
You see a flashing light
It could be that you've just witnessed
Rudolphs nose still shining bright

Details | Lyric | |

Santa The Fat-Bellied Stranger

This is a poem I wrote for the Crazy Christmas Carol member contest.
It is in reference to Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer. Hope you have some laughs!

Santa The Fat-Bellied Stranger

You know Batman and Robin
and Shakespeare and Poe
Oprah and Elvis
And Monet and Van Gogh
But do you recall
The most famous person of all?

Santa the fat-bellied stranger
Had a tummy full of ho's
(like Pavarotti)
And if he ever tried to
(tried to)
Couldn't even see his toes
(like a horse)
Now that he's getting older
With impotence and bum knees
(like McCain)
They never let poor Santa
Savour all his common glees
(like Mrs. Claus)

Then one lonely Christmas Eve
Blue pill down the hatch
(please oh please)
Oh meds to my wife's delight
Won't you guide my libido tonight
Mrs. Claus from that day forward
Always shouted out with glee
(have mercy)
"Santa you fat-bellied stranger
You'll go down in history!"
(like Casanova)

Author-SJS '08

Details | Rhyme | |

T'Was The Night Before Christmas 2

(Children's Story poem) 

It was the night before Christmas and the Potter family were snug in their beds. Outside the snow was falling most beautifully. All of a sudden there came such a noise from the rooftop that Papa Potter scrambled from his bed to see what was the matter. Much to his surprise he heard 12 reindeers up on the roof. 
Meanwhile, Mama Potter had not heard a thing, her snoring was louder than firecrackers, on the fourth of July. 
Mikey and Twinky, had snuck out of bed and were much surprised to see Santa dancing in the middle of the bedroom. He was all dressed all in red and with a loud belly laugh he wrinkled his nose and disappeared to the roof, leaving behind 8 presents and stockings filled to the brim. 
Papa Potter, blinked and what did he see? Jolly Old St. Nick standing right there! Papa Potter fainted and landed with a crash while Santa took off in his sleigh shouting, "Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!" 
The next morning Mama Potter, woke up all alone and was surprised to find Papa Potter asleep on the roof. The Potter' had a wonderful Christmas that year, full of wonderful surprises... 

~The End~ 

Dorian Petersen Potter 
aka ladydp2000 


Details | Rhyme | |

Sneaky Santa

Sneaky Santa

It really is quit shocking,
when you start to think
and you wonder how he does it
and then he's gone in just a blink.

It feels a little creepy,
when he's watching all year long
and knows if we've been bad or good
it says so in the song.

Things seem a bit strange you know,
a man in a big red suit
that sneaks in like a thief at night
with a big red bag of lute.

Santa is really quit sneaky,
it's like nothing you've ever known
and yet you leave him out some food
while he's breaking in your home.

You know that I'm just kidding,
and messing with your head
ignore all my playful banter
with all the words I've said.

Santa is a cherished story,
a childs dearest friend
and so they write him every year
till next year comes again.

Merry Christmas to the north pole,
to Santa, his elfs and deer
here's looking forward to the holiday
and lots of Christmas cheer.

Written by: Jessica Thompson
Date: 12/19/14

Details | Free verse | |

dream christmas list

Dear Father Christmas I know you’ve been asked for toys, phones, clothes and bracelets
I’ve done my research 
And I can give you my Christmas list in 3 words
Pixie Lott naked
I’m only joking
But my wishes are for things you can’t open
Give us Tupac, Biggie, Eazy E, and Big Pun back
Or maybe you could show me where the hope is at
Maybe you could deliver a little happiness to my world
As you won’t need it could I have your list of naughty girls?
I wrote this joke poem because I had nothing else to write about
Also Santa I know this favour is enormous
But could you please slap the people who had their Christmas lights out
In the middle of august
I don’t think there’s anything that I missed
I was bored so I wrote my joke Christmas list 

Details | Rhyme | |

Blind Judge

Poor Santa Michael
Have you heard he Judges Blind
It must be hard to read
All the Poems penned and rhymed

How will he see
The pages of good wishes
The ones that are funny
Written on paper dishes

How does he do it?
Is his hat over his eyes?
Does he choose randomly?
Who will win the prize?

As for little old me.
I wish he would find.
A better way to judge.
Than choosing to be blind.

A Christmas Wish in a Poem Contest.

Details | Rhyme | |

What is up with Santa

What is up with Santa?
I mean, I do not know;
Has fame gone up to his head?
Has he fallen off his sled?

Why can’t he get with the times?
Think of some new catchy lines?
Drop the Ho, Hos, lose some weight,
With no beard he’d look great!

If he wants not to be seen
Why it’s red, not khaki green?
Why not get some stealth tech deer
No one’d know, he’s far or near,

Say he followed all the trends,
Would our children love him then?
If he knocked or rang the bell
Like the man from DHL?

I guess it is our own biz
To keep him the way he is,
Priceless smiles and precious memories
Of young and much older babies...

Details | Free verse | |

twis the night santa got busted

Twis  the night before Christmas and all through the house not a person was up not even a dog.
The sox's were hung on the door with tape just waiting for Old st.Nick.
Mom in her night gown and me in my long johns. 
Settle in for a night of nics.
When all of a sudden we heard what was police cars.
As we watched on the tv with surprise. 
The reporter said that Santa got busted for breaking and entering.
As the police cars drove out of sight. 
We heard him say, Merry Christmas to all and call my lawyer.

Details | I do not know? | |

The Best Christmas

I had so much fun to be with you!
You were wearing shirts in all color blue.
We threw crumpled paper like we’re six graders,
We ran and shouted like those elephant wailers.

Remembering 18th when we played those wooden chairs?
We grabbed white candies and buckled upstairs.
With your crazy dance moves over a yellowish folded paper,
You grouped yourselves absurdly like those itchy black scrapers.

You moved insanely with a green tomato on your face,
We sang together though we were so out of our pace.
We ate and chatted like it’s going to be our last.
Time was though unfair because it was ever too fast.

I’ll treasure that day because it was the best,
Our Christmas was dear compare to the rest.
Remember 18 because it was a magical scene,
Our greatest happiness is a treasure unseen.

Details | Verse | |

What's Up With Santa

What's up with Santa
He's over at his desk,
With his pen and his pad,
Writing Frantically,
To all the children of the world.

He writes to them telling them how good he's been this year,
Telling them what he wants for Christmas this year,
Telling them to deliver them,
Down his chimney.

Santa has gotten tired,
This year he decided to take a holiday
So, He demands presents from them,
He demands they be delivered promptly,
If you ask me I think ol' St. Nick is out of his holly jolly mind.

Details | I do not know? | |


There's no Christmas this year
There will be no Christmas cheer
For Santa checked the naughty list
And found himself a naughty miss
Then picked her up in his sleigh
And then flew her off to St Tropez

Details | Tanka | |


For twelve nights I waited,
imagining what was inside
those long, red stockings...
nothing big, like games or toys,
hoping Santa wouldn't be late.  

For twelve nights I stood
on my small and trembling feet,
to see what was inside
them and then return to bed
without waking up my dog.  

For twelve nights I rushed
into the living room wishing
it were Christmas Eve...
when Santa quietly walked in,
filling the stockings with candies.

Entered in Russell Sivey's contest,
" Christmas Stockings Tribute "
Written by Andrew Crisci
on 12/8/2011

Details | Rhyme | |

All I Want For Christmas

All I want for Christmas is some false teeth
Last set were taken by a dirty stinkin' thief
Came into my bedroom, twas bold as brass
Were soaking overnight in a dirty old glass

Old false teeth had been with me for quite a while
When thief took them he also took away my smile
Now I mumble a lot and keep my mouth closed 
Why did they take my teeth? Lord only knows

Santa, I would not be able to eat my Christmas dinner
Since my teeth were stolen, just keep on getting thinner
Personally believe the thief must be simply a bit of a twit 
Did he really think that my false teeth, would actually fit

Reminds me of my Grandma, who was frequently quite uncanny
Sat on a chair, false teeth were there and bit herself on the fanny
All jokes aside Santa, to me it would really be such a relief
If you were to put in my stocking, a new pair of false teeth 

Showing off and having my photo taken is not really my style
But if you bought some teeth I'd take a selfie, with my new smile
Please dear Santa, it would have me feeling like a lotto winner
Being able to sit with friends again and eat my Chrissy dinner

Details | Free verse | |

Fat Santa Equals Happy Santa

3:00 a.m. who can this be?
I walk down the corrider
and my eyes are drawn to the chimney

3:02 a.m. and what do I see?
American obesity covered in red
What a wonderful present, santa dead

3:03 a.m. how did we let this happen?
By injecting cookie dough syringes in milk
I wonder does Rudolph and the other eight keep laughing

3:04 a.m. you fat bastard where is my nitebrite?
Oh! apparently in your stomach
And it's 22 years past that fateful night

That at 3:05 a.m. my Christmas dreams collapsed
You we're too busy snacking on my gifts
To feel my little girl taps

So at 3:06 a.m. I gave it up
Brought out some more cookies, you  fat bastard!
And of course I'll refill your milk jug

3;07 a.m. I waved goodbye and said a prayer
Hoping that if there's a God up there
You won't get stuck in the air

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
Oh! and here goes some extra ho-ho's for the road


Details | Rhyme | |

The Littlest Elf

Time was running out, Christmas Eve was drawing nigh.
The elves had worked day and night since early in July!
To meet Santa's toy-making schedule there must be no slack,
To ensure there were lots of goodies for Santa's toy sack!

Elfie was a mischievous but a hard-working little sprite.
He was the littlest elf of all - alas, this added to his plight!
It seemed that the harder he worked and try as he might,
The hapless little fellow just couldn't do anything right!

For example, he put Jills in the boxes labeled Jacks in the Box,
And placed chirping chickadees in all the cuckoo clocks!
As he daydreamed he painted the fire trucks aquamarine,
And put wheels and wings on every toy submarine!

Talking dollies counted cadence, "Hup, two, three four!"
Toy soldiers cried, "I want my mama!" as they marched to war!
He placed Lincoln Logs in boxes labeled 'Tinker Toys'.
Oh! What a Christmas 'twould be for little girls and boys!

Santa mused, "It seems that every job I put him on he mars.
I'll put him to work pulling levers making Christmas stars!"
He did so well that Santa said, "Won't you come along with me,
And place a brilliant star atop every child's Christmas tree?"

Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved

Details | Ballad | |


Verse I

Don't ask for presents
and check your stockings
hanging by the fire place where the log crackles;
you are in for a big surprise this quite evening:
kids, dance with Santa on snowy Christmas's Eve...
put on the best smile and hear the reindeer's bells!


Kids, dance with Santa and swing your legs and arms 'till you fall;
jump up, go around once, stop, jump up, go around twice,
until his tired feet ache and you laugh at his funny groans! 
Get the hang of it, dance with him he's so nice...
hold on, stay on the dance floor...see Santa's belly bounce! 
Kids, dance with Santa and sing a lovely carol!

Verse II

Don't complain like grouches, and tell him he's another chubby Grinch;
he is a different kind of Santa...he doesn't bring any expensive gifts!
Oh, no Santa is not stingy, just the oldest messenger of good cheers; 
you may be disappointed a lot, but please don't tarnish his image!
He came here to teach you the new Christmas dance with rhythm;
watch his steps and learn to dance within the allowed range! 

I don't like those long faces, kids dance with Santa on this Christmas Eve;
you'll forget about your presents wouldn't want to leave!

Entered in Deborah Guzzi's Holiday Songs In Poetry Form. Style: Moderate Rock Ballad.
I will set my song to music and publish it next year. I doesn't have a melody to be sung
Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | Free verse | |

Childhood Dreams

Holly...bright lights...smell of christmas pie-
Christmas tree and presents!
I must get to sleep...he will be here soon-
Silver bells, cotton tails cows over the moon.
Wait! That's not Santa..he has a big red sleigh!
Fastest reindeer in town, Rudolph leads the way.

Here come the carolers.."Oh joy to the world"-
Merry Christmas to every one, boy and girl!
I must leave his cookies, by the tree on a plate-
He'll be here soon to see me I simply can't wait!
Silver bells, cotton tails cows over the moon-
I must get to sleep...he will be here soon.!!

Details | I do not know? | |

Santa's Little Worrier

I lie alone this eve, in the dark
watching from mama's fire place, glittering spark.
I a wait'on fur what seemed like ages
as in ma mind my anticipation rages.

How will that feller get down mama's chimney
He is so far from what folks call skinny
Will I have to call for him that there emergency team
Oh what if  his suit busts at the seam

That jolly old Christmas fellow 
will he scream, yell and bellow
as he lands amongst that soot
As he descends from our roof

Well I've waited fur furever, well for soooo long
I'd better, to keep a wake--- sing a Christmas song
The words of Santa's reindeer come quickly to ma mind
Gosh I hope he don't burn his behind...

Details | Rhyme | |

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas
To all that who knock
But I won't answer the door
Till the face on this clock

Says tomorrow, tomorrow
And Christmas has passed
And I can sigh a relief
To this pain in the ass

So thanks for your time
And your Christmas good cheer
But what I need most is perfectly clear

Some peace and some quiet
Is all that I ask
So don't be like Christmas
A pain in the ass

Details | Free verse | |

dear Santa

Dear Santa how are you going to judge who’s been naughty or nice?
I like when she’s naughty it’s nice
I’d ask you to bring me Pixie Lott but would that count as trafficking?
And how would you put her into a packaging?
She couldn’t fit into a stocking, so how about bring her to me in stockings
Or maybe you could find me someone to do all my Christmas shopping
And maybe wrap all of my presents 
You’re too big to fit down a chimney how have you got in?
Dressed in red, black and white
Are you a super sized can of coke?
So you’re going round every house in a day and night
Eating mince pies and saying ho ho ho
I mean my Christmas list isn’t even long
If I be nice could you ban all Christmas songs?
Maybe you could deliver me to Kaley Cuoco
Or give me a word to rhyme with Cuoco
I could think of a few but can’t be bothered thinking
Does it take you a year to recover from all of the drinking?
That’s why you only work one day a year?
Do you feed and look after your Reindeers?
After you’ve been around the world
Please may I have your list of naughty girls?
I only want to go around for a mince pie and coke
Can you jump on top and squash all the people who can’t take a joke?
Do you really think I care if you think I’ve been nice or naughty?
Tell Jennifer Anniston she’s the only woman I’d date who’s in her forties
Dear Santa this is the most serious list you will receive
Happy Christmas people it’s time for me to leave 

Details | Rhyme | |


There was a man buying a Christmas tree.
The tree was so small he wanted it for free.

We should stop and think what Christmas really means.
It's all about Jesus Christ not all those football teams.

A gift is not just about material things.
A gift from the heart is better than a bee sting. 

Wanted to sell Christmas decorations and so much more.
They were so expensive so I just fell to the floor.

On this Christmas day of joy and love.
Stop and give praise to our Lord above.
                     Teresa Skyles/Theoklapoet

Details | Rhyme | |

Little Angels

Have you noticed some special air?
Familiar music you’ve heard before
Decorative tinsel hanging everywhere
And a Santa’s likeness in every store
Children behaving strangely well
Pretending to be little angels now
Afraid that someone will tell
And Santa finds out somehow
Of the mischief they’ve been in
These eleven months just past
Witness the miracle now to begin
We know how long it’ll last
Merry Christmas to everyone
Little children and grandpa too
Enjoy your gifts and all the fun
Until Christmas day is through

Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Poem

Christmas is the time of year

For all the wonderful joy and cheer.

Buying gifts can be hard

So that’s why I just give them a card.

But presents are all kids think about

If kids didn’t receive what they want they will pout.

We all need to understand

Something wonderful that happened in a different land.

A long time ago in the Middle East,

Where people made their bread without yeast,

Our little Savior was born

In the very early morn.

You see Christmas isn’t all about a toy,

It’s about the birth of a baby boy.

I wish we could all go back in time

And punish whoever created poems that rhyme.

But also to see this amazing happening

That could leave everyone baffling.

All this rhyming is very tiring

And I hope this poem was very inspiring.

Did it give Christmas’ true meaning to you

I hope so because once Christmas is over you’ve got some cleaning to do!


Details | Rhyme | |

The Fabulous Christmas Turkey

The Fabulous Christmas Turkey

By Elton Camp

It was the first Christmas party for the new bride
That the in-laws were coming she took in stride

She wasn’t too much worried about it anymore
Although she had never cooked a turkey before

The one she bought came fresh from the farm
Saying it hadn’t been frozen should add charm

To hubby she said, “I want to impress your mother.
For she thinks you should have married another.”

She got cooking instructions from the Internet
That it would be a success she was willing to bet

Sure enough, it turned out luscious and brown
To the dinner table she proudly brought it around

The mother-in laws’ words brought her good cheer
“It looks wonderful!  What did you stuff it with, dear?”

It was with a puzzled look on her face that she cried,
“It wasn’t empty.  There was already plenty inside.”

Details | Narrative | |


Getting into the Christmas spirit,
by examining my introspection
and making new plans for the future;
and sparking up your imagination...
could anyone imagine me dressed
as Santa Claus, who never has the minimal time
to watch a log consumed by a crackling fire?
Think again, I could be that Saint Nicholas so bold! 

Prejudice is not a part of this Christmas Season,
all kinds of people, of different ages and races, 
celebrate it; and it may vary from country to country
with traditions as far as Saturnalia or Yuletide...
that was a time when pagans started this festivity,
and with the birth of Jesus, the Christians
adopted these traditions as their own...
so should we object and put them aside?    

Getting into the Christmas spirit,
unpacking decorations for my new Christmas Tree, 
from boxes that waited too long for this day of joy;
and even my toddler, Jack, comes downstairs tripping,
handing me Grandma's favorite star, which
she had hidden away into a treasure chest so jealously,
to place on the top of this forest-scented pine tree...
when we all gather and sing," Silent Night."  

Getting into the Christmas spirit, 
adding, not taking away names from my long list;
and even though these are tough economic times,
I plan to be generous to all without feeling the pinch!
Give the very best of your intentions,
either in gift or in warmest embrace;
give and be content to catch that infant's smile in the distance; 
the tender smile of the Holiest Child, who will give of Himself!  

Copyright 2009 by Andrew Crisci

Details | Narrative | |

Red-nosed Roy

Roy is such a jolly ole soul
who enjoys riding mule deer,
helping Santa at the North Pole,
most of all, spreading good cheer.

This year was different,
Santa decided to take vacation.
He informed Roy of this event
inquiring of his participation.

Roy shouted out with glee;
he became very ecstatic.
Calmly, he did agree
not to be such a fanatic.

He wondered what he would drive.
His Harley was in the shop.
How would all the gifts arrive?
He didn’t want Christmas to be a flop.

He thought of Ralph his mule deer
but remembered he couldn’t fly.
Would there be Christmas this year?
How would mule deer take to the sky?

Pounding his head, he had to think;
he couldn’t take Rudolph or the sleigh.
Santa would raise such a stink.
“Nitro jets; he shouted, that’s the way”.

He went to the shop; got to work.
Hammered and nailed, sawed and fussed.
When he was done; turned with a jerk
saying; “I hope it doesn’t combust”!

He strapped Ralph to a huge wagon
all jets ready for the ride.
Ralph lit like a fiery dragon.
Roy’s red-nose a beaming guide.

Parachutes galore fell from the night sky,
dropping one by one at house doors.
Roy happily gave a wink of the eye
and quickly got back to his chores.

Giving the last bundle a kiss, 
Roy sent it on its way.
Happy that he did not miss
and Christmas was not a delay.

I heard Roy shout as Ralph fired away.
“I delivered them all, who needs a sleigh”.

Copyright © 2008 By Caryl S. Muzzey

Details | Lyric | |

merry christmax

bells are jingaling
carolers singaling
happy christmas songs
jack frost nippaling
at my nose
while i'm singaling
christmas songs

chestnuts roasting
turkey baking
dinner wont be too long
the tree is loaded
lots of toys
for the girls and boys...

bells are ringaling
carolers singaling
happy christmas songs
jack frost nippaling
at my nose
while i'm singaling
christmas songs

Details | I do not know? | |


When Santa returns to the north pole
After his momentous Christmas eve
He is always looking forward
To his well deserved annual leave

His post Christmas R & R always begins
With a sight to make his passion burn
That of Mrs Claus festively clad
Hot and spicy to greet him on his return

In red stiletto shoes, red and white stockings
Standing seductively against the bedroom door
Then revealing her delights to her horny Santa
As her fur trimmed cloak falls to the floor

Red silk skimpies, a glimpse of her thighs
Santa is eager to quench his thirst
But Mrs Claus says heading towards the bed
“You had better warm your hands up first”

Details | ABC | |


 A memo from santa clause;There will be no CHRISTMAS this coming season.
I suppose you want to know my whole reason,Every year I get this CHRISTMAS 
list. The more I read it;The more it gives me fits.I try to make CHRISTMAS bright.
The elves want more money.The reindeers fight. MRS CLAUSE worries  I work
both day and night. I work all year making CHRISTMAS toys for all the girls and 
boys.No one want them.They want IPODS;XBOXS  computer games ;computers.
Who they think I am the I B M? RUDOFF is now drinking his nose dont glow.
How am I suppose to see where to go? My sled is old needs repaired.
How am I suppose to fly that sled erveywhere?On CHRISTMAS eve IM 
flyiing; ;dogging trees;climbing down chimmeys skinnging my knees.
Doing all this to try and fill everyones CHRISTMAS list.When IM flying over your
home.Please dont call me on your cell phone.Asking for one more CHRISTMAS 
wish to bring you a satelite dish Everyone must think IM SAMSON to carry that 
heavy sack.Not me ;not any more IM not going to break my back.
Just when I think things would get better.The I.R.S. sends me a letter I owe tazes.
Now isnt that funny.Who ever heard of anyone sending SANTA any money.
THOSE money mongers;jerks. Now you know my reason why I think there
shouldnt be a CHRISTMAS this coming season.
Then I started thinking;What CHRISTMAS would be if there wasnt a SANTA;
to put CHRISTMAS gifts under your CHRISTMAS tree? 
So please delete this memo from me. I will be there again on this coming
CHRISTMAS eve.So long GOD BLESS I  wish you all a very merry blessed 

Details | I do not know? | |

T'was the Day before Christmas

T'was the day before Christmas
Not a moment to spare
Last minute shopping
Not a parking spot anywhere
Ice and slush covering the ground
New snow falling everywhere
Gift to be purchased and wrapped
A bike to assemble
Turkey thawing in the sink
Pies in the oven baking
Children hyper and underfoot
Hubby sampling the rum balls 
And getting sloushed
The dog chased the cat up the Christmas tree
Balls falling everywhere
Someone knocking at the door
Children screaming
Dog barking
Cat meowing
"I've hat it! No more can I take!"
Not a sound could be heard
They all skattered like mice
For it was havndling everything
That gave me my Christmas Breakdown