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Christmas Funny Poems | Funny Poems About Christmas

These Christmas Funny poems are examples of Funny poems about Christmas. These are the best examples of Christmas Funny poems written by international PoetrySoup poets

Details | Verse | |

Was It You - - - It Was Not Me

                                           



                                                    Who ate the biscuits

                                                    Who drank the milk

                                                     It was not the cat

                                                      Neither the rat

                                                    The platter is empty

                                                  and the milk is drunk out

                                               Is that YOU ..... it`s not ME .....

                                                 I think Santa has been here

                                                      Do you believe ?


                                                                                                                




26.12.2012
A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Light Poetry | |

Its Christmas Time in Dodge City

(To the tune of Silver Bells) Wooden sidewalks, and the shop fronts, Dressed in wild western style In the jail there’s a feeling of Christmas Cattle mooing, cowboys shooting Riding mile after mile And down at the Long Branch you hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Mobs in street fights try to stay polite While they bleed red and scream As the towns folk rush home To take cover Hear the jaws crunch See the kids bunch It’s Matt Dillon’s big scene As he catches the rustlers you’ll hear Silver spurs, silver spurs It’s Christmas time in Dodge City Jing-a-ling, saloon girls sing Soon it will be Christmas day. Silver spurs, silver spurs Soon it will be Christmas day. Soon it will be Christmas day.
When we travel in the car we sing to the radio. The other night, Silver Bells came on and I sang Dodge City to make my wife laugh.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Paradox

Merry Christmas and all that stuff and don’t forget to write, Now if you would all be on your way I’d like a silent night. It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed your stay, I have you must believe me, I just wish that it were over now because your leaving would relieve me. I’d like to say that the magic of this day would be with me until I die, But out of respect for the holiday I feel that it would be wrong to lie. I’ve spent the time following you around and picking up after your kids, Putting food back in the refrigerator and closing up all of the lids. I’ve even picked up your smelly socks after making Christmas dinner, While you’ve all gotten fat it seems that I’ve grown that much thinner. But when next year comes you’d better be here to visit with Santa Claus, Don’t tell me that you’ll spend Christmas time over at your in-laws. Because Christmas is a family time and we all should be together, And you can tell your in-laws that you’ll be theirs on Arbor Day forever.


Details | Limerick | |

A LIMERICK CHRISTMAS THREE (3) .

Mrs. Santa on last Christmas Eve
Was so naughty , at trying to deceive.
Not the slightest bit coy
When she met her toy~boy....
Now , believe what YOU want to believe .


Rudolf the randy raindeer
Took his lady friend out for a beer.
Then he took off his clothes.
Showed~off his red nose..
Saying.. who the hell said, I was queer...


What's the worst place at Christmas to be ?
Perhaps a turkey~dish laced with gravy....
It's more painful and airy
To be some poor fairy
With your +++  on the top of the tree .
 

A COOL YULE , TO ALL YOU GOOD SOUPERS.....



Details | Rhyme | |

Retail Christmas 2

It's one week till Christmas
And we've had enough
Of grumpy old shoppers
Complaining about stuff.

They hate the line-ups,
They hate the cashiers.
They won't be happy 
Till they have us in tears.

The things they are after
Are long gone from the store.
They find it incredulous
We won't be getting more.

Last minute shoppers 
Are a pain in the rump.
Each night by closing
This place looks like a dump.

One more week to go,
I sure hope we make it
But in the meantime
We'll just smile and fake it.


Details | Rhyme | |

The Christmas Song -Of Woe-

Overdue bills burning on an open fire
Debt collectors knocking at the door
Yuletide woes being sung by my husband
And I.R.S. sending letters to ignore

Everyone knows a turkey and some mistletoe
Would help to make the season bright
But we'll be eatin' beans,    'cause my pocketbook is clean
Oh!   We're out of Tums.......the house could blow tonight !!!

They say that Santa's on his way
But our petty cash won't jingle much today
So this mother hen is going to sit and cry
Because this hungry gal won't have an egg to fry!

And so, I'm offering this simple phrase....
To folks in Washington D. C. .........
Although the recession....has put us in depression...
Find devices,  to lower prices !!!.......
AND FIX THIS CRISIS!...........Would you pleeeeeeeease???
_____________________________________________________________________________

Just kidding....!!:)  In case the I.R.S. reads this!!

Original song:  "The Christmas Song" ..written by Mel Torme'....1944


Details | Rhyme | |

My worst Date

Twas winter ninety-seven, all around the town
Houses lit up magically, parties all around.
Boyfriend says, come with me, to works Christmas dinner,
Dress up chic and sexy, looking like a winner.

Hair all done up, makeup on, gown that fits just right
We’ll impress his colleagues, I was such a pretty sight.
Ushered to our table, we sat with others there
Such a lovely evening, a truly posh affair.

Delicious food, friends were made, laughter filled the air,
A real nice Christmas party, memories to share.
Then came all the speeches, boring us all to death,
The best part was the here here’s, sniffing wines sweet breath.

Finally was time to dance, music filled the night,
Dancing in my ball gown which now was fitting tight.
Time and time we danced that night, in each other’s arms,
Him with me and me with him, showing off our charms.

Suddenly I laughed so hard, teeth went flying out,
Slide across the dance floor, feet pushing them about.
In a flash down on my knees, scurrying about,
Found the little suckers, and popped them in my mouth.

At the time I hoped and prayed nobody had seen,
When I popped them in my mouth, and where they had been.
Looking back, now I laugh, thinking it was funny,
I’m happy now my mouth can say “C’est la vie.

Written by Brenda Meier-Hans 
10.26.2014
For Judy Konos Contest:
C’est la vie 


Details | Alliteration | |

12 Days of Christmas Craves

"12 Days of Christmas Craves" On the twelfth day of Christmas My true love sent to me 12 twinkling tiaras Eleven emerald elephants Ten Tiffany trinkets Nine naughty negligees Eight echoing elves Seven sequined stars Six sexy singers Five fake fingernails s s s Four furry foxes Three tingling tamborines Two turtledoves And peach tree in pail via e-mails s s s. *For P.D.'S 12 Days of Christmas. *Written by: Linda-Marie "Sweetheart".


Details | List | |

WORST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

WORST  CHRISTMAS   PRESENTS 


New toilet seat in pink and purple flowers.
Jockeyshorts with slogans which puzzle for hours.
Teeshirt printed with “McCartney Farewell Tour 2038”,
Because for me it may well be too late.
Title deeds to twin plots in a prestigious cemetery,
With 15% off on marble headstones when they bury.
Large framed picture of mother-in-law  herself,
Designed to fit perfectly over the den bar shelf.


Details | Light Poetry | |

- CHRISTMAS DINNER -


To the cook: 
Thank you for the main course at our beautiful Christmas dinner ...... 
now you can rest, dessert is on the table.
And I'll do the dishes.


19.12.2012
A-L  Andresen :)


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Christmas Hound

My dog likes the decorations from the Christmas tree, He can eat them without any guilt because they are fat free. He knows which stocking belongs to him and he checks it every day, He checks it by chewing it up, it’s a game he likes to play. Sometimes in the candy dish I will find a suspect slobber mark, I know that he’s been sampling both the milk chocolates and the dark. He ate a whole roll of wrapping paper the kind with shinny foil, Then for dessert he had a bow and some curly ribbon from the coil. He helps us to remember the good times when Christmas time has gone, When the snow melts in the spring and we find spangles on the lawn.


Details | Limerick | |

Pets on Parade

"Pets on Parade" on Christmas Eve two kitty cats were sleeping as Santa Claus climbed down the chimney creeping Excalibur started to purr Gabriel raised his black fur poor Santa was startled and began weeping. while Santa was chased by playful felines trotting toward them a band of hungry canines sweet Venus the white Wstie was growing quite testy for commotion interrupted her night sublime. Thor and Thunder twin midnight blue great danes frolicked in fun as Santa reached for red candy canes they took giant licks opened Santa's bag of tricks as Raider the Shepherd smeared frosty windowpanes. pretty pets on parade on Christmas Eve had a jolly good time you best believe sharing cookies and milk with the Moon smooth as silk and Santa was so happy to leave. *For SKAT'S Calling All Pet Poems ..


Details | Sonnet | |

Christmas Wishes for You

Although there's nothing much that I could add
to all the Christmas wishes ever made,
I'll wish for you that traffic won't be bad
the day you shop and that you may get paid
some kind of Christmas bonus for a change,
and when beneath the mistletoe you stand,
I hope you're not approached by someone strange,
but rather by a stranger who is grand!
And should you be so childish (I mean bold)
to ice skate on a lake or board the snow,
I pray for you that you don't catch a cold
or break a leg as down some hill you go.
My wishes, like my gifts, are kind of cheap;
May faith in them require no giant leap!


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Magic of Christmas

In our first year of wedded bliss we were very tight on cash, Some popcorn and a jigsaw puzzle would be our Christmas bash. All that year when Friday came a date night plan was born, Together we’d work a jigsaw puzzle and then we’d pop some corn. As I look back, the puzzles were an allegory of our life, Fitting pieces to make a picture together as man and wife. The popcorn was but a memory of date nights long ago, When we could afford the ticket price and go and see a show. So when I spied the coupon for a three-pound bag of corn, I knew that for just one dollar our Christmas wouldn’t be forlorn. And so I bought it and wrapped it up and stashed it underneath the tree, I hoped that she wouldn’t get too mad ‘cause she didn’t get a gift for me. When morning came I made her look to find her present there, But under the tree instead of one it seemed there was a spare. Oh no, I thought, what has she done? She’s a better shopper by far, I only bought her a three-pound bag of corn I didn’t set too high a bar. “Open it” she said and smiled her smile that lit a fire in me, “I’ll tell you what, let’s open them together on the count of three.” One, two, three and the wrapping flew and fell upon the floor, Then we kissed and laughed because we’d learned what the holiday was for. We learned a lesson that day about the magic of a Christmas morn, It seemed that we would start the year with six new pounds of corn. The gift that we gave to each other that day had nothing to do with bows, It was the love that we have for each other that still binds us as it grows.


Details | Rhyme | |

Christmas Dinner Fiasco

"Christmas Dinner Fiasco" on Christmas Eve, family gathered for "Feast of Seven Fishes" an old Italian tradition while wrapping gifts with expectant wishes hubby decided to play Chef Boyardee complete with hat and apron, a fun sight to see the kitty cats circled dinner table to pounce licking their whiskers, smelling each tasty ounce. pumpkin bread baking and homemade apple pie whipped cream and hot fudge enjoyed with warm sigh candied sweet potatoes with buttered rolls and biscuits diet food hidden away like melba toast and triscuits aromas so yummy the puppies were squealing soon there was a stampede, sent the kitchen Chef reeling. tree trimming time once dinner was finished spirits running high with no chance to diminish all seated to say grace before this marvelous meal with colorful palette' and great appetite appeal underneath the table came growling and gnashing as felines and canines, over dripping crumbs, were clashing. the Chef lost his temper and scooted pets to the yard from inside the hacienda those onry pets were barred but the doggie door was unlocked so began the invasion pets on parade on a Christmas Eve occasion the desserts lined the table like poetic pop art creme puffs with rum and rice cakes a la carte'. coffees were carried next to Christmas tree tinsel and garland with musical lights mystery but Cali the cat had his own idea of fun 'twas entangled in garland with paws in a bun and Gabby had stolen a piece of creme puff his black face was white as snowflake soft fluff. the Danes sniffed out chew sticks from their stockings as Raider and Golden ran round the tree in flocking and sweet little Venus was as good as a dream enjoying her peaches as she swirled in whipped cream Christmas dinner fiasco provided laughs with love as we sang "Deck the Halls' to the good Lord above. *For Francine Robert's Christmas Dinner With Humor. *Dec. 2, 2012.


Details | Light Poetry | |

The Bowing Tree

We were so pathetic our first year of marriage. They say that being poor builds character, maybe that explains it. 
 

We were married way too young to ever have much money, The thought of spending for a Christmas tree seemed to be too funny. We decided that we would do without to save cash on which to live, Because the cost of even a meager tree was more than we could give. One night on my way home from work I followed a tree barring truck, A pothole hit and a tree flew off it seemed I’d had some luck. I took it home to my new bride and the sight lit up her eyes, She decided to make decorations for this Christmas tree surprise. So while I went to find a stand, she started to pop some corn, She took a needle and threaded them and soon the tree adorned. She cut out cardboard stars and bells in foil they then got covered, I set the tree up in its stand and that’s when a problem was discovered. There was something wrong with the trunk of our little Christmas tree, It curved so badly that when it stood up it made the letter “C”. Without some help it couldn’t stand so to the top we tied a rope. To the closet rod it got fastened to hold it upright was our hope. When the door to the closet slid shut tight the tree stood proud and tall, With its aluminum decorations and popcorn strands it really had it all. When we opened the door to get our coats the rope would always slack, And the little tree would bow to us and we would bow right back. Many years have passed since then and now our house is full of trees, But none of them are as polite as our first that was so eager to please.


Details | Sonnet | |

The Bibelot

(just posting today. I am running like crazy
trying to get Christmas projects done! But I hope
to be here tonight to read poems! OH, and to understand'
this sonnet more fully, you need to know what
"Bibelot" needs. An intereseting word I learned 
when I took the challenge to use that word in a poem!
If you really want to know the word, you'll have to 
look it up or ask me!!) Luv, Andrea

The Bibelot

There never could have been a Christmas better-
that first one spent alone near firelight.
She gave him some cologne; a blue wool sweater
to match the hue his eyes shone with delight.

He tore the tissues red and green, and she
more delicately opened with a thrill
each gift he’d tied with ribbon clumsily.
And then he held one out, and she grew still,
for it was small, which had to mean one thing. . .
it had to be the best he’d saved for last!
She held her breath.  Oh, could it be a ring?

The glitter of its gems was unsurpassed.
Each stone adorned an object most exquisite.
She looked it up and down; then asked, “What is it?”



Details | Rhyme | |

My Favorite Holiday

It seems my Christmas spirit has gone up in smoke,
‘Cause every single Christmas I always end up broke!

To give and get a gift or two, with little or no use,
But “it’s the thought that counts,” seems to be the best excuse!

It’s just another day to splurge on Mom’s Christmas feast,
With all our favorite relatives… and the ones we like the least!

So I’m poorer and fatter on yet another day…
Oh, what the heck; I’ll enjoy the wreck of my favorite Holiday!


Details | Lyric | |

ON THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS MY HUBBY GAVE TO ME--READ CAREFULLY


On the first day of Christmas my husband gave to me
A hat from his office party

On the second day of Christmas my husband gave to me
2 Tons of Midol
And a hat from his office party

On the third day of Christmas my husband gave to me
3 Unpaid fines!
2 Tons of Midol
And a hat from his office party

On the forth day of Christmas my husband gave to me
4 Surprise guests
3 Unpaid fines
2 Tons of Midol
And a hat from his office party

On the fifth day of Christmas my husband gave to me
5 MINUTES OF PEACE! 

4 Surprise guests
3 Unpaid fines
2 Tons of Midol
And a hat from his office party

on the sixth day of Christmas my husband gave to me
6 Empty Molsons
5 MINUTES OF PEACE!
4 Surprise guests
3 Unpaid fines
2 Tons of Midol
and a hat from his office party

On the seventh day of Christmas my husband gave to me
7 I dunna knows
6 Empty Molsons
5 MINUTES OF PEACE. 
4 Surprise guests
3 Unpaid fines
2 Tons of Midol. 
And a hat from his office party

On the eighth day of Christmas my husband gave to me
8 Movies I hate
7 I dunna knows
6 Empty Molsons
5 MINUTES OF PEACE. 
4 Surprise guests
3 Unpaid fines
2 Tons of Midol
And a hat from his fricking office party.

On the ninth day of Christmas my husband gave to me
9 CONTROL PANTIES?!? 
8 Movies I hate
7 I dunna knows
6 Empty Molsons
5 MINUTES OF PEACE! 
4 Monster in laws
3 Pay your own fines!
2 NO! YOU take the Midol!
And a lame hat from his fricking office party!

On the tenth day of Christmas my bugger gave to me
10 BIG MAC COUPONS? HUH?
9 Control panties
8 Movies I hate
7 I dunna knows
6 Empty Molsons
5 MINUTES OF PEACE? JERK!
4 guests who won’t leave
3 HOW FAST WERE YOU GOING?
2 Where’s the Midol?
and a hat that makes me wanna puke!

On the eleventh day of hell my almost-ex gave to me
11 HOURS OF LAUNDRY! BITE ME!
10 Big Mac Coupons!
9 Control panties
8 Movies I hate
7 I dunna knows
6 Empty Molsons
5 MINUTES OF PEACE? 
4 SEND 'EM PACKING!
3 KISS MY FINE, BUCKO!
2 I O.D.ED ON MIDOL!
THEN I TORCHED THAT HAT ON HIS GRILL!

On the twelfth day of Christmas my Darling gave to me

12 apologies
11 slow kisses
10 Housework coupons
9 Satin teddies
8 Sappy chick flicks 
7 You were right, Dears!
6 bottles of Cristal  

5 SMALL BLUE PILLS! MEDIC!

4 Empty guest rooms
3 Explained fines
the 2 last Midols...
and my stud left on his sexy new hat! 

HA! 

By Cyndi MacMillan


Details | Light Poetry | |

Christmas Bells Arent Ringing

Christmas bells aren’t ringing all through our little town, The zoning ordinances prohibit such a noisy sound. There are no carolers singing their songs of Christmas cheer, People are afraid to open their doors to strangers who draw near. Now Santa needs written permission to enter any locked domicile, With the arrests resulting from last year his Reindeer are still on trail. Don’t expect too much in your stocking at least nothing you might like, Labor negotiations have broken down and the elves have gone on strike. I hung a wreath on my front door and my neighbor gave me a laugh, The lights that he displays on his own house could land a small aircraft. There’s something in that eggnog that has made me lose my head, I nearly said Merry Christmas rather than Happy Holidays instead. Oh, I long for an old fashioned Christmas where everyone was bright, But until the world is sane again I’ll keep a silent night. And what of that little baby that started this whole thing, The more I think about him, the more I want to sing. So let’s all join together and prepare for what may come next, Let’s all share love, joy, peace and hope by sending out a text.


Details | Rhyme | |

Merry Christmas

No manger scene at city hall
or caroling at school,
no city workers stringing lights,
come on, you know the rules.

No pageants of the savior’s birth
we wish not to offend,
no prayers of thanks made publicly,
these laws we mustn’t bend.

No decorated Christmas tree
with ornaments all shiny
to be displayed on public land
or the ACLU gets whiny.

But Merry Christmas anyway
with joy to last the season,
just be careful what you say
or you may be charged with treason.




Carolyn Devonshire 
Contest Name Commercialized Holiday Humor Contest 


Details | Rhyme | |

A Christmas Dinner Memory

Listening to the roosters crow brings thoughts
Memories of when I was very young
There was a rooster who wasn't store-bought
He had strong masculine traits and strong lungs

He would loudly crow, strut, and fight the best
The day he flew at me and tried to spur
Was the day his name became the fowl pest
On Christmas Eve he met his fate_ yes, sir
  
'Pon that fated day he crowed his last crow
His fancy strutt in the pot mom did stir
The feet, the neck, tips of wings she did throw
When those were done, dumplings she did transfer

The meal was done and all sat down to eat
Mom passed the dumplings around and served me
In the dumplings on my plate landed his feet
Laughter around the table showed our esprit


Sponsor: Francine Roberts
Contest: Christmas Dinner With Humor
Completed 12/17/12
Minimum 12 lines
Christmas day the rest was boiled and dressing made...
Rhyme


Details | Limerick | |

Who Knew-Peru

There once was a flawed broad named Maude
who wished to spend Christmas abroad
she ate Christmas dinner
with penniless sinners
for that was all Maude could afford.

Well ole Maude brought them black tea from China
and chocolate cakes from a diner
they ate guinea pig
and many a fig
while Maude poured them wine from Carolina.

Yes you've guessed it, I see that you knew
in Peru they eat Guinea Pigs in stew 
they wear colorful hats
and watch out for black bats
Maude's dinner will be in Cusco, Peru


Date:12/15/12


Details | Light Poetry | |

My Lay Away Plan

I’d save up all of my extra pennies in a shoebox beneath my bed, And each night before I went to sleep I’d spend them in my head. Sometimes I’d spend the whole darned stash on something just for me, But sometimes I’d imagine myself on a less selfish shopping spree. When Christmas came I’d take out the box and count whatever I had, And try to decide how much I could spend on my brothers, mom and dad. Way back then you’d be surprised what you could get for just a buck, Coloring books, marbles and puzzles or maybe a toy pick up truck. My dad would get a tie that could brighten up any room, And for mom there was always a bottle of Walgreen’s best perfume. I could buy a gift for each member of my family for just five ninety-eight, And have enough left over for a Payday bar and go home feeling great. Then I’d wrap the gifts and label them and put them beneath the tree, I’d set them all towards the front so they’d see they came from me. And after they’d opened their gifts and Christmas wishes had all been said, I’d go upstairs and drop a couple of pennies into the shoebox beneath my bed.


Details | Rhyme | |

Mum's Christmas Dinner

She stays awake for hours, cutting Xs in the sprouts,
Then peels all the tatties, a ton or thereabouts,
Slicing and dicing parsnips is next up in the plan,
Chops up carrots and a swede, and put them in a pan,
Mixes up her sage and onion and stuffs it in the bird,
Along with some pork sausage meat that’s been pre-prepared,
She takes apart the oven, to fit the turkey in,
Hangs it up with bits of string, there’s no room in the tin,
Wraps sausages in bacon, in case they catch a chill,
But makes sure they‘re all cooked thoroughly, so the family won’t get ill,
Cooks the bird for hours, while the table’s being laid,
With all the finest crockery (and some of lower grade),
Makes space around the table, brings in extra chairs,
Adorns the place with candles and other Christmas wares,
Lays out a Christmas cracker in everybody’s place,
Complete with rather tacky joke, no doubt of a straight face,
And brings out all the condiments, the pickles and the sauce,
The salt and pepper, the mustard and radish known as “horse”,
Next she makes the starter, the simplest course by far,
A cocktail made up of prawns and a sauce out of a jar.
The family then all piles in, and argues over seats,
The children are already full of chocolates and treats,
Grandmother is mumbling, “Kids should be seen not heard”,
Meanwhile back in the kitchen Mum’s wrestling with the bird,
She tries to carve up slices, but ends up with turkey chunks,
While Dad and Gramps have become a pair of Christmas drunks,
They start an argument about which wine goes with the meat,
And restless children run around, not staying in their seat,
Mother tries to keep her calm and bravely soldiers on,
But the roasties are all blackened and the sprouts are over done,
Mum enters the dining room looking very puffed,
She throws the turkey down and shouts ,“There you go! Get stuffed!”


18th November 2012