Poor Peter Pumpkin had a very itty bitty head.
So the farmer made him stay inside the garden bed.
The farmer said that he was going to keep him warm with hay.
And there the itty bitty pumpkin stayed for many a day.
Finally, the farmer came to check upon poor Peter,
measured him and then exclaimed, “You’ve grown an extra meter!
I think it’s time for you to finally go and face the world.”
Peter got up from his bed. He twirled and twirled and twirled!
“My,” the farmer shouted, “You’ve grown two legs with feet!
You’re a special pumpkin. My daughters you must meet!”
Poor Peter heaved his hefty bulk, waddling away,
following behind the farmer so he would not stray.
They traveled rather quickly, and soon they reached the house.
The daughters saw the pumpkin and grew quiet as a mouse.
The silence lasted just until at last one daughter spoke,
“A pumpkin with two legs? Is this some kind of joke?”
Her father knelt beside her and whispered in her ear,
“Do not be afraid, my child. You’ve not a thing to fear.
We can carve a lantern. It will be your Halloween treat.
Then we can make lots of pumpkin pies for us to eat."
Peter trembled with a chill to hear their horrid plan.
Jumping out the door, he yelled, “Catch me if you can!”
He ran into the pastures. Then he tumbled down a hill.
As he rolled he bumped into the couple, Jack and Jill!
“Oh dear me,” cried Peter, “I do not wish to be
a lantern for this Halloween. Please, can you guys help me!”
Jack and Jill then led him to the land of Nursery Rhymes.
His sad fate has now been told to children many times.
For he ran across a man named Peter Pumpkin EATER.
Maybe you can guess now what became of our poor Peter!
Contest: Halloween Co-Writes
Sponsor: Diane Locksley
Written By Jan Allison & Andrea Dietrich
~awarded 1st place~
A smell permeates through the house
I’m convinced it must be house mouse
I hunt high and then I hunt low
But the source of the smell it won’t show
I get down on my hands and my knees
The dirt and the dust make me sneeze
The pungent smell makes me feel sick
Burn scented candles right down to the wick
Now I have a sad look on my face
The origin of the smell I can’t trace
Get some cheese and lay it on a trap
Wait for the jaws of the trap to go snap
But the cheese remains where its put
The jaws of the trap don’t snap shut
Found hidden in the huge laundry box
An old pair of my son’s cheesy socks!
Smelly socks are confined to the bin
Now I can say to my guests 'please come in'!
13th January 2015
Fictional write for Humor Contest!!!
Sponsor Carol Eastman
~awarded 1st place~
Tubby or not tubby
fat is the question!
21st November 2014
'Twas our Christmas Eve dinner; we all had sat down
at the table to eat. Grandma couldn’t be found!
We children were fussing; Dad rose to his feet.
shouting, “Where are you, Ma? We’re ready to eat!”
When from the next room we heard such a noise
Jenny squealed, “Santa Claus must have brought toys!”
We then heard a sound like a whimpering pup
saying, “Help. I’ve fallen and cannot get up.”
Grandpa jumped up and then rushed to the door
that led to the bathroom. There on the floor
lay our poor grandma, eyes widened in fear,
looking like she’d got run over by reindeer!
The dresser had fallen. It had her pinned down.
Grandma was wildly flailing around.
More swiftly than Rudolph, we did all we were able.
We unpinned her. Then Mom yelled, “Back to the table!”
Back to the dining room all we kids came
As our mom started to call us by name.
“Davy, Mel, Jenny, Angie, Marie. . .
Get back here now. I’m counting to three!”
Like animals not having eaten all day,
stuck in a cage without getting their way,
we sat at that table our bellies all growling,
and Davy, the baby, by now was howling.
And then finally what did appear?
Dad with our grandpa and grandma so dear!
Supported by both our grandpa and dad,
Grandma was flushed and looking quite bad.
She was dressed in a housecoat trimmed in white lace
and a big purple bruise had now formed on her face.
Mom pulled out a chair helping Grandma to sit,
and then our dad bellowed, “OK, have at it!”
Our mouths how they watered to see the large ham.
“And that isn’t all,” said Mom, “I made lamb!”
Her small pretty mouth was turned up in a grin,
“The food’s getting cold now. Children, dig in.”
Our dad how he laughed as he poured lots of gravy
onto his potatoes and kidded with Davy.
And Grandma sat smiling despite her great fall
while Grandpa gulped spiked nog, not talking at all.
With eyes that seemed bigger than my own belly,
I dished out big spoonfuls of cranberry jelly.
Mom winked and I knew I had nothing to dread.
Her pleasure was in us all being well fed.
I went straight to work at stuffing my face
when suddenly Mom said, “We didn’t say grace!”
We closed our eyes listening to our dad’s prayer.
I peeked but was met by my mom’s warning stare!
Dad finished the prayer with a hearty Amen.
Then we were all grabbing Mom’s fixings again.
When the food had all vanished and our stomachs hurt,
we heard Dad exclaim, “So what’s for dessert?”
For the Children's Christmas or Holiday Tale - Poetry Contest
of Carol Eastman
I stepped in for my first colonoscopy. I was nervous everyone could see
I had a choice to be awake or put out if I was skittish...but no not me
I chose the former so I could watch my own ass on TV
They go right up your canal with a camera like an RV
Imagine my surprise when up my butt they found my phone
The tiny ones they use to make before the smart cell phone
But here's the clincher it was set on vibrate. The doc was suspicious
"My wife insisted" I told him "she bribed me with cake. It was delicious"
Then the doctor red faced handed me something, said "what's this"
I borrowed his bifocals. It was a rolled up playbill. He looked pissed.
"I can explain. It's dated Sep. 8, 2001. That's my wife's 40th birthday
We were drinking. We lost it, got a fancy room right after the play"
He handed me one more thing, a broken pencil if you will
"I'm a mathematician. I was constipated I took a special pill
Then I used math to work it out with a pencil. This one I suppose
It broke. I thought I got it all. I guess I didn't. I mean who knows?"
The good news is the test went well my colon was clear
They found nothing threatening just stuff that was queer
I must admit however ever since that very day I live in absolute fear
That doctor knows my wife's father. I tell you this, in case I disappear
Which came first the chicken or the egg...
Personally I think it may have been the cock
28th November 2014
You were always close by when I needed you so
I’m really sorry but I have to let you go
You were always there to comfort me
But I don’t need you in my life anymore
I held you so gently in my hands
You were always there to wipe away my tears
Sorry I’ve got to drop you so suddenly
You were always there for me in my hour of need
Guess I’m going to have to put my tissue in the bin
21st November 2014
She went into the closet one day
But what a high price she did pay
Her hubby he wanted a cuddle
But this act soon burst their bubble
The door of the closet shut fast
His ardour was a thing of the past
Their claustrophobia was getting worse
So Andrea checked in her old purse
She found an old credit card
Joe picked the lock, which was hard
After 20 minutes they were free
The relief on their face plain to see
Take heed - next time you are after a ‘screw’
Make sure the door doesn’t close on you!
Written after reading her blog and posted with permission from Andrea Dietrich
20th February 2015
HORSE FROM MARS
It came from the sky, a gray silver stallion.
I looked up high, and I have also seen a dragon.
With so many things in this universe.
I'm on stand-by with a camera in my purse.
Who would have known I'd be the first to spot a PEGASUS.
The town folks wave hi every time I walk my hippopotamus.
I enjoy showing everyone, my pictures of a flying horse.
I don't see why they call a DOCTOR every time I call the TASK FORCE
I think they are jealous over all the things I've seen.
They act all crazy since I sighted a LEPRECHAUN when I was fourteen.
No one ever believed me when I saw an army of dragonflies.
They have a name for me "the boy who See's too much in the skies!"
I don't know why they can't see what I see.
For all I know they are all experiments under Alien Technology.
They don't believe me how I got this magic MEDALLION.
It was a friendly gift from the silver stallion.
I also have many pictures of a UNICORN.
We became best-friends when he gave me a piece of its magic horn.
We sat together while he drank from the lake.
We enjoyed talking, --talking about how U.F.O.'s are fake.
Why can't they see? The day I fell off a boat, I got rescued by a MERMAID!
Who would have known a mermaid swim around with first-aid.
I also remember the day I followed a LEPRECHAUNS.
We were playing under the rainbow having so much fun.
When I told my doctor about all the things I've seen.
He locked me in a DUNGEON, thinking I was the ALIEN QUEEN.
I begged and I told him I don't believe in any type of alien.
Too bad the master of this dungeon came from another region.
In a way he looks like that one SILVER STALLION from Mars.
The first creature I'd seen the day I fell off the monkey bars.
I have this picture of this horse of course.
JUST help me out of this white-jacket!!! ;-)
If you want to see the coolest picture of a flying horse.
(A small collaboration with: B-Boy)
re-post for ~FUNNY CONTEST
Rudolph paled because his nose turned brown
He couldn’t smile so he wore a frown
Santa wiped a tear from the reindeer’s eye
He hated to see poor Rudolph cry
Santa sprinkled on some Christmas dust
The nose is now red not a dark shade of rust
So look out of your window on Christmas night
You will see Rudolph’s red nose shining bright
6th December 2014
Will poems to my dull senses rise,
In plainer garb, or apt disguise?
Can turn of phrase else serve an end,
To vanquish foes or win a friend?
What ardor gains a rhyme’s release,
To grant me treasured moment’s peace?
So is it merely hubris’ child,
That lets me dream I’m Oscar Wilde!
2nd Place, Best Poetic Form, Poet Destroyer A
She may be shaped like an apple or a pear
But this query may be asked in the world out there
It’s not a question you can easily dismiss …
Tell me does my bum look big in this?
She smiles sweetly and awaits your reply…
Tell me guys are you honest – or would you lie!
24th January 2015
You lead me to the bedroom
I couldn’t believe the size
Asked me how I liked my eggs
I replied ‘unfertilised’
I said please don’t be so forward
I’d prefer a little less idle chat
For I’m only viewing a show home…
Now what do you think of that!
20th November 2014
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you I will swat
1st November 2014
Tonight I found a letter on my doormat
It was addressed to me – oh fancy that
I opened it and it does say
Please come for a mammogram one Monday
My heart sank like an enormous stone
With sinking spirits, I let out a huge moan
They take one of your very precious ‘norks’
Clamp it so hard your eyes pop out on stalks
Then leave you imprisoned and take a pic
Tell you it may be uncomfortable – just a little bit
They lied, they lied, they blooming lied
I found it so painful I could have cried
Oh joy of joys now they must do the other side
One boob squashed like a pancake, the other I want to hide
But they get you quick before you can escape
They need to scan both boobies there can be no mistake
Men and women can BOTH get breast cancer
Checking your breasts regularly is the answer
15th September 2014
You asked me if I knew ‘the perfect girl for me’
I think I’d be ideal but sorry I’m not free
I’ve got a lovely friend she is Mary from the dairy
On second thoughts no as her legs are much too hairy
Of course there is Annie she’s got the most enormous fanny
It would look better on an elephant the resemblance is uncanny
Oh I forgot about Susie she’s got quite a dark moustache
When you went to kiss her you’d get a stubble rash
I’ve got a stunning Thai friend but he is a lady boy
Beautiful on the outside but in bed you’d get no joy
Then there is Melissa she got the biggest boobs
She gets them out for fun you can see her on You Tube
I wouldn’t introduce you to my mate Regina
She’s had 8 children she’s got a very slack vagina
Poor old Ellie has got the most humongus lips
They’d look better on a trout she’s not one you’d want to kiss
I guess the perfect girl simply does not exist
So sorry to disappoint you please cross me off your list
10th September 2014
From Life of Cat
From life of a cat what can we learn?
Never have seen one wearing a sunburn
Our cat we do have that does exist
Seems to think he is a ventriloquist.
Took meow test and great grade he made;
To write poems even tried to persuade
Sweet and low chariot was met by a meow
And what I am about to learn no one knew.
In our house, cat has a humble place to live
Sufficient food and water to him, we will give
But when he wants to eat by himself alone
He likes ice cream served on a crunchy cone.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
So where is the cat poem contest at?
Yesterday my day was bad, in fact it was really crappy
Found seagull poop on my car- why can’t they wear a nappy
I also have an issue with a local dog
Went out for a walk and stepped on a dog’ log’
I suppose I should be grateful an elephant can’t fly
Just think if it’s poop hit you in the eye
I am fed up of clearing up animal poop
I had to share my thoughts with you on poetry soup
17th March 2015
I googled and really did find dog nappies!
Oh honey, oh honey are you coming to bed
I assure you, my darling, this thing ain't dead
I've swallowed some oysters, and eaten a fig
Just wait and see, it's going to be really big
I know that happened last time, it won't happen again
Got chocolate to get blood, pumping through my vein
You're right I'm forty and on that anti-depressant drug
But it doesn't mean we can't get freaky down on the rug
For lunch I had an asparagus,avocado, and arugula salad
Come closer my princess, for I'm the dark knight in this ballad
I 've tried coffee, honey, pomegranate, yohimbe and beets
For a night of deep passion and to share in your treats
Oh honey, oh honey come join me in bed
I need to hold you closely and rest my head
Durin the time I was passing my urine
My faeces were falling to pieces
13th March 2015
It was on a Monday morning the boiler man came to call
Said he’d be back with the parts - but I’d have to wait till fall
It was on a Tuesday morning the tax man came to call
I told him he could sling his hook - for I'd nothing left at all
It was on a Wednesday morning the banker came to call
I told him to get on his bike or he was heading for a fall
It was on a Thursday morning the psychiatrist came to call
I welcomed him into the lounge and left him staring at the wall
It was on a Friday morning the doctor came to call
He said there was no hope for me - the writing was on the wall
It was on a Saturday morning the undertaker came to call
He took away my body – it was of no use to me at all
It was on a Sunday morning the relatives came to call
To see what I’d left them in my will – I’d left them bxxxxr all
(as the never usually visited!)
14th March 2015
The poem is based on the Flanders and Swann song ‘the Gas Man cometh’
This is the link in case you are interested in seeing the original
When It Comes to Someone
When it comes to someone who can scratch
Compared to our cat, there is no match
Always likes looking around and will lurch
Trying to search for a place to perch.
This is my entry for cat poem contest
Which I'm sure definitely will be the best
Cat poem anyone would love and laud;
With forehead, my cat gave this a nod.
My cat to me has always been nice
Every place which we go will be paradise;
My eyes were wide open and would not squint
Trying to find out where he had went.
Around whole house did look and look
Turned over boxes and then them shook
From somewhere with a loud meow he said
How about looking under your big bed.
Now why didn't I think of looking there
For my cute cat who is beyond all compare
Wondering under bed could he possibly fit
When I stuck in hand, my finger got bit.
James Thesarious Hiloarious Horn
Now usually when a spider finds its way into my home
I squash it right away saying, hey my space alone
But one day I came upon a fuzzy little spider there upon my dryer
Frantically running up and down the chrome strip which looked like a mirror
He bravely reared up and fought this villain in his way
Up and down this battle raged a good part of the day
I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, but he didn't care
He boldly continued his plight, the enemy was near
The battle over and he's laying still, I wonder to myself
Was it victory? Or was he awaiting his pending death?
I gently took him outside and placed him on a tree
And told him, you're the mightiest little spider I ever did see
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh I’ve got a secret to tell
I’ll whisper it to you; as I don’t like to yell
I’ve discovered a monster living in my house
It’s very very quiet, as quiet as a mouse
The biscuit tin is empty, not even a single crumb
Yet the packet was brand new, not even undone
All the chocolate is gone, oh what can I do
If I find the culprit I’ll bid him adieu
He invades my fridge when I’m not looking
I’ve not poisoned him yet as he survives my cooking
A miracle has happened since my son returned to university
I’ve not had to keep the kitchen cupboards under lock and key
Contest: Monsters and Marvels
Sponsor: Debbie Guzzi
~awarded 4th place~
The north wind is blowing and it’s turning cold
I’m feeling quite chilly I guess I’m getting old
I’ve finally dug out my sexy thermal vest
It’s snug and warm and covers my hairy chest
It’s silky and soft and causes no ripples
Hides my boobies and covers my nipples
15th October 2014
Man in Kitchen
So this is it, this place I’ve never been
I wander in and find it’s kept pristine
So this is where she disappears
And later on the food appears
Ah well! I’ll have to do my best
I think I’ll try that chicken breast
All I have to do right now
Is figure out the where and how
Unsuccessful, heaven knows
Why these things come all froze
But of one thing now I’m sure
There’s nothing for me in that drawer
Boiled potatoes, that sounds nice
Maybe with a pan of rice
Doors are banging, pans are flying
She can’t say that I’m not trying, hah
How much rice should I whack in
Sod it, shove the whole pack in
In the pan the waters pouring
This cookery I’m am so exploring
Pans are bubbling, all seems well
I’m creating such sweet smell
Now I see the rice exploding
And potatoes are imploding
This is harder than I thought
An easy meal I tried to sort
All my efforts are now gloop
So think I’ll fill on poetrysoup
Later on that night she says
Lets move the earth in many ways
Sorry dear, tonight no quakes
I have one of your headaches
Richard D Seal
11 March 2013
When they married he was as thin as a rake
But his wife she loves to bake
She thinks the way to his heart
Is to practice her culinary art
He’s been eating all her pies
You should see his thunder thighs
He’s in love, this he cannot disguise
Now his tum is as wide as his eyes
His wife puts on a good spread
Has his fill then he falls into bed
He’d love a bit more bedroom action
But he can’t get no satisfaction
Apple pies make him tired and sleepy
His mum thinks he’s looking quite peaky
He would love to go on a diet
But his wife wont let him try it
She says cooking is her passion
As for sex that’s now on ration
He can’t live like this any more
Packs his bags and heads for the door
Moves out and joins a new gym
Loses weight and starts to get thin
Meets a girl on an exercise bike
Tells his wife she can 'go take a hike'
Now he’s happy with the girl of his dreams
And his clothes aren’t bursting at the seams
Contest:-Plentitude of Pies
Sponsor:-Sheri Fresonke Harper
~awarded 15th place~
Sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze
Oh I wish my sore throat would ease
Razor blades of pain are shredding my throat
And I’ve got so much snot I could launch a boat
My nose is as red as Rudolph’s and it’s oh so sore
I’m feeling achy and miserable this cold I simply do abhor
My temperature is high – I’m having a hot flush
I look a terrible mess; my hair is in need of a brush
Guess I will have to smile when hubby says I’m ‘hot’
Good job he loves me whether I look a wreck or not
21st October 2014
The lover, bold beyond his years,
loved when she held him by his ears,
as in their bless'ed mingling place,
he kissed her as he washed his face.
For ever he'd have stayed down there,
but for his need to rise for air.
And at the end when they both rose,
up from their lust to put on clothes,
he saw within her looking glass,
his naked image, sagging arse,
and knew his past did best his future.
Or they don't make mirrors like they useter.
A feller went to the doctor's office 'cause he wasn't feelin' well.
The doctor said, "You ain't lookin' all that swell, this I can tell!"
He had a banana stuck in his right ear and a celery stalk in his left!
From his nose dangled a pair of carrots thus leavin' him quite bereft!
The doc without further examination relieved him from his plight,
Sayin', "You gotta change yer eatin' habits! You're not eatin' right!"
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
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