When I Was a Child

It started when I was a child I was a kid with a gift That no one understood or recognized Instead of loved I was picked on and ostracized However I blocked it all out But little by Little its all coming back Like layers of an onion That held me tightly wrapped Bits and pieces of my memory That were hidden away in code Deep within my mind a door was closed I?ve reached in to remember because my life is now in jeopardy All the emotional and sexual abuse that I closed off to survive Has been staring at me sabotaging my life This life is not what I have dreamed and I am dying inside And if I don?t face the truth of what was done to me Then I will surely become the monster that I despise And as the tears bellow up I again take another breath Like soot in a fireplace and a hair ball in a cat I cough up the toxic memories As images flash through my mind With my face in the toilet I begin to cry My body begins to stiffen as nausea rises to the top I then begin to wail from deep in my chest It?s a hideous cry that sends chills down my spine As I grit my teeth and hang on for dear life A thought runs through my mind why.. why.. why.. why. I?m tired of the black outs I?m tired of the fear I?m tired of the loneliness that have held me prisoner here I?m tired of the pain and suffering that has come in my parents name I?m tired of all the trauma and I?m tired of all the drama I?m tired of the neglect that?s been perpetrated on my soul Keep your hands off of me, keep your beliefs away from me From all the mental abuse and all the negative remarks And you still don?t see how you?ve damaged my sensitive heart I?m tired of hearing all the denial I?m tired of hearing how there is nothing wrong with you I?m tired of you blaming everyone else but you I?m tired of hearing how you hate this and you hate that I?ve tried for years to heal this wound But it seems to have spread to my nephew too I don?t know what else to do I even ruined my only serious relationship to get revenge In my mind I justified their crime From all the bad advice and all the dysfunctional decisions And I thought I was reversing everything When I vowed never to get married and have kids But that sabotaging act has done me more damage