What I Wanted What I Got

What I wanted !- What I got ! I wanted so much from you Moneca, my Dear, your heart, passion, soul, your love without fear. I always knew- for me – it wasn’t in you to give, to accept me, consider me - with this I have to live. I also knew, that for you, I am just above nothing, nothing in the way of a man you’d be desiring and in your heart, your soul – for me there is no fire no flames to ignite – except for my funeral pyre. I know, that somehow, I will have to let you go. How to do so ?, I have to tell you, I do not know for you are burned so deeply into this old heart. To set free, get you out of me, I know not were to start. You set fires, and lights flashing under me. You opened my eyes once more, to let me see and grow – now it feels, you have set me free and with me, no longer want to be. I remember the very first time I took you to dance, A spontaneous act I thought might lead to romance. That moment, experience clearly stated “ not a chance ”. From the first, many moments that could have been, lost for me, it has been of heartbreaking, horrendous cost. For it has all come to not, nothing has come to fruition as my beliefs, my desires – all lived without intuition. I though I knew and had an understanding of you. I wanted so much for my love to be, so you too could get passed all that life, fate, karma never gave and to know Moneca, that with me to the grave, you will be special, all ways and always in my mind. A lady like you – I am not likely to ever again find. I live with all my failures and with your indifference. I live with the regret that I was unable to fill all the empty spaces in your life with what you needed. I am sorry that I had no frame or reference, no mentor, no higher power upon which to call. I am sorry that I had not seen, had not heeded your messages, lived up to be the man you looked for and truly sorry, I am now on the outside of your door. I truly wish Moneca, that I had made you feel special, that I would have been able to have brought you through and past all that has been the forces that closed you up. I am truly sorry that you never would see in me the capacity for being the man you wanted me to be. I can not extricate you from my thoughts, my mind. It seems you have been in my heart for all of time, having permeated my life today and all my lives gone, by the way, seems to be the lyrics of my melancholy song. I was totally locked into you from the first time we met, the day your beauty’s graced these eyes and yet five years slipped by, with but a few words, and now I feel, my time has run out, my life’s clock has stopped ticking, you have let it run down and I do not know how to rejuvenate, rewind, bring back time that was dropped. I am sorry that I did not give to you, all that I wanted to share with you, all that this life of mine could offer. I know Moneca, as long as I hang on to the memories, the experiences I have enjoyed with you, my soul will die, a little with the passing of each and every day, until there is nothing left, as you and I fade away, being nothing more then names in my books of history, and the waning light, in the emptiness of that great night that becomes loss, the eraser of this life and consciousness You know Moneca, I will love you until end days, be your friend, carry you within my heart always, toughing my soul until we step from this plane and onto others, and as pure light, us twain shall travel as great waves, as sonic vibrations through, to all unknown dimensions that surround us, you being a part of me. This I tell you Monica, for it will be - for all eternity ! These scraps, these specks, these flakes of my thought, my feelings Moneca, are at an end, this is all I’ve got ! I apologize for anything written that may not represent all the facts or some truth. I realize that you may perceive me as uncouth. Know my Dear, that I will no longer bore or trouble you. Love Bill, B. J. “A” 2 January 18th 2009