Thoughts My Thoughts

Can you guess? Can you look into my eyes and guess what im thinking? If you do, please tell me. Because i dont even know. I have been laying on my bed for two days straight and my mind has been a cloud. I cant focus on anything. Can you grasp a thought? Can you grab something to think about when the whole world is tearing you apart? I cant. Sitting next to me is my phone and im on the phone with this guy. He asks me all the time on this exact subject. "What are you thinking about?" he would ask. As a lost girl in her thoughts, i kept telling him, "I dont know." I would lay there and think about it. Its like a cloud. A cloud that i cant get rid of. A strong piece of weight that wont go away. I sit here... writing this, trying to grasp somekind of thought to get my mind running. Why do i feel empty? why do i have to feel like this? I know i have been through a lot but i want to be happy. I CAN be. But its like im not letting myself. I cant forget the past and i dwell on it the most. if it wasnt for the past, the things i have been through, i wouldnt be here today. Your past makes you who you are and i am a strong believer in that. I caught my thought. My thought about how i feel about this whole thing. All of this is overwhelming really. But he makes me forget for a little while. Now hes laying there, all the way in Oklahoma and hes being so goofy. He makes things so great. He makes problems seem like they dont even exist and yet, when im alone, this cloud fills my mind. My military man. Hes so far away and he makes me so happy. My best friend. The man that extinguishes all pain with just one bright smile. But when i look at him closely, hes in so much pain. There it goes again. Another thought. Thinking about him. Thinking about his hurt. Hes sad deep down. He hurts but he hardly notices it. He keeps himself smiling and he looks forward to the future. Making the past look like its dust. I wish i can think like that. But that means burying everything that made me strong. That means i have to move on from what made me like this. And honestly, im afraid. Another thought. Im afraid of letting go of this cloud of thoughts that weigh me down because even though i am lost, i still feel like this is whats keeping me alive. This is whats gonna get me to move on and experience things i always wanted too. But if it wasnt for him, i would never have thought like that. I love my military man. You're a dick tyler.