Rant of a Sorcerer

No more Maybe I don't know what I'm doing anymore I've been passed a game winning catch or so the lecture says or so circumstances provide me to believe yet I stand still, a statue a figurehead of nothing I stand still, mortified before I just toss the ball away before I throw the pass away Somewhere inbetween I knew it before i said it I'm done...I'm done with all this I'm done with life I'm done with keeping my head held high I'm done with pretending I'm alright the perfect picture of healthy sanity when I just want to drive my head through 19 cinderblocks to forget the wasted 19 years of my life when I just want to punch 19 people square in the face till the bones in my arms explode for all the times they let me down left me ignorant when I want to curl up in a ball and freeze into an ice cube in the dark Maybe in a thousand years I will get life right in the present I'm the living essence of failure My luck is getting worse What luck did I have to begin with My will to fight on is replaced by my growing hate of myself, of humanity so like an atom I implode leaving myself pitifully exposed while my deceased relatives are crying over me cause I'm missing something while waiting for anyone to recollect what they've neglected to share NI just feel like I've been mislead my whole life and I just want to feel any sort of better I've had to reconstruct myself redo my name to fit my life just right I'm at 19 19 names for the 19 painful names I've lived now I can add Sorcerer to the list though I die at the thought I could blame Veronica She kept throwing my words back at me She kept misleading my ways of romance for magic claiming what I am to her what Sarah is to me And that kills me the most what stabs the heart beneath How can one accept that the very person you have waited your whole life for is the very same person you hate, despise wish you could just hit one good time the very same person you love, cherish, want forever the very one person you can never obtain is the very same person you have very well become If I am a Sorcerer am I everything evil too or just everything to the oblivion I belong to?