Night Terrors Reconsidered

as a child, i had them terribly -- night terrors. they came to me about the same as i slept: something menacing choking me; while i'd be lying down, sitting, standing or running away; just nameless, faceless, bodiless hands .... i'd wake up clutching my throat with one hand, reaching out with the other hand and mumbling. strangely, i would feel exhilarated with the awful terror. i used to believe the dreams were demons or monsters trying to get me. as i grew older, a peace began to fill me and the dreams became fewer and fewer .... something happened with the change. i started to have a different kind of repetitious dream: nameless, faceless men and women -- together, as a trio or in groups -- caressing me with their hands and choking me, choking me .... i'd wake up exhilarated with my hands around my neck. older and more educated, i started to realize that i might have sleep apnea and my dreams were just a subconcious response, but i did take innocent pleasure in it. afterall, i was either celibate or just seeing someone -- in or out of reality. one day, it happened -- love. i became engaged, got married, still dreamed on ... guilt. now, i wanted my childhood night terrors back -- still be exhilarated -- but (inhale, exhale) be monogamous.