Matter

You, again. . . Yes, I know I mustn’t look your way, Even averted wholeheartedly, I am immersed in your presence And it is so different, when it is the first, It is stranger, unearthing… I wasn’t in love, infatuated at best, How cruel those emotions twisted and turned against you Your soul must have quivered in wariness as I passed your way As I, never enough, never strong enough, turned the other cheek Deafly, I hear your voice amongst the crowd, The annoying, distinctive voice that had later caught my interest, And then, disdain…as years passed… Disdain, for that voice spoke so well, though it never understood my pain It never articulated, understood that level of my sorrows I let you go long ago, But I cannot bear to look at you again At that smug face, your short-trimmed hair, And that smile…every single time we lock eyes It’s a smile of “Why must she be here? Why do we have the same friends? Soon, she will be away, Lost in separate reality And I shall press forward To more important people, More important things…” Why is it so, so hard to reconnect with you? Not in that foolish love battle we’ve never fought, Or the crazy emotional rampage that have ruined beautiful nights I just want to believe I exist in your world, That maybe somehow, I make sense, I do not just materialize in your presence, To be greeted by your condescending smile I just want to, just for a moment, Matter, Not in the way that we are all so used to, Of the immaterial, the foolish bump into worlds Bouncing right back out of sight The hesitation, the holding of breath, The distasteful beat of your anxious heart Losing me in every thump of your chest Under that dastardly, angry brow of yours In the cruel crook of your half-smile, I know what I can be, This unattractive, quiet, luminous nuisance I know it, in my valueless existence, I know I am too much at times, And for that I have recoiled, Soiled in these foolish tears I cry because you Matter, Where I may never