Kitchens Are Dirty

It was dark out. The stars shone dimly, and the horizon blushed faintly as the birds sang, too cheery for the hour. A chill swept the edges of all the outside world: not cold enough to be truly considered cold, but far from anything to be called “warm.” I turned my key quietly, so as not the wake the absence inside—lest I disturb its slumber, which ever wakes. The light over the stove was still on, as I left it every night when I walked out the door. It gave light to the entire room by it, starting from the kitchen and illuminating all the way to me. This shabby little place had not quite taken on its role of being a home yet. I moved in about two years ago, but still have not had time to decorate it more than a picture or centerpiece here and there; though that is not what truly makes a home anyway. No, this is not a home, because I am alone. Homes are made up of more than one. The dwelling of a singular individual is lacking. Say what you like to disagree, but ‘tis true. My kitchen sink is far too vacant to truly be a home. When I left my Mama’s home, she told me three things to remember: “Love God,” “Don’t marry the man if he drinks,” and “Kitchens are dirty: clean them.” I laughed when she told me that, because our sink was always full of dishes, our countertops perpetuated clutter, and the floors always wanted sweeping. I laughed because I knew there would only be me to clean up after, which wouldn’t be hard, and I found it silly of her to tell me such parting words: “clean the kitchen.” There isn’t much to clean now. I wash my dishes after I use them generally. There are times, however, that I will long for a sinkful and either leave my dishes a couple days, or else clean every dish I own…it isn’t the same though, cleaning up after no one else. As I wash them, I know every meal that was upon them, how every bite tasted. And no meal stretches further than one plate or bowl, and perhaps a cup. I wash the dishes of ghosts—dishes only dined upon by absence and sometimes dust. I could wash dishes and never have to change the water, because the dishes were empty to begin with, most of them. I don’t even have need to fill the sink, really. It uses more water to do so, than to just soap and rinse my meager usage. At Mama’s, I always had to wash to dishes, it seemed. Or perhaps it was just that my turn always seemed to come again so soon. For hours, I stood in the kitchen, my belly pressed against the wet countertop and my arms up to the elbows wet, itchy, and covered with suds. It took what seemed like all night long to wash the dishes for our whole family, and all the while, it seemed they kept coming. Every few minutes, one of the other children would come in with an empty cup or bowl they’d been using at some point that day, and set it on my counter. Oftentimes, I would stare at them in disbelief as they entered the room to perform this heinous act, knowing I was expected to clean that too. They just looked at me, set down the object of crime, and left, usually some part of them laughing on the inside, because they too, knew the feeling that I was experiencing from this slight interruption, because they’d had the same treatment when it was their turn. But not to worry (no, no, never worry), there shall be someone someday to come into my life. We shall have dishes for the two of us. Yes, and maybe even a small bowl too after a while, and another, and another. Maybe. But what if this shan’t ever come? I suppose I shouldn’t know the difference really, seeing I’ve never had it, and so should not concern myself with its absence, nor dare even to consider the feeling of a loss. No, I suppose I ought to just continue to wash my dishes and not wish for too much, because wishing is dangerous. I tried wishing before. When I was a small girl, I used to lie awake for hours, wishing to not hear the things I heard in the night, or seeing the things I saw, or crying the tears I cried. The cries from the other side of the wall, my mother in her ache of this life. The shadows moving across my room as they played out scenes of my demise and the villains who would perform them. Every saline ocean of the floods of the depth of my soul, staining my cheeks and swelling my face for the following days. Yes, wishing is dangerous. It fills up the soul with some kind of hope that doesn’t seem to ever come. It strengthens the heart with faith, that is forever in peril of being strangled, shriveled, left to decompose on a sweltering sidewalk, in the middle of August (Ah, but the heat does feel nice; just to lie in the sun and feel the tingling all over my body—that could be nice right now). But wishes want for fruition, and fruit does not always come, no, not for a tree like me. So, I eat my food, and I wash my plate, and I turn out the light, and I go to sleep.