Holding On

He always had such a loving smile When he tucked me in at night Outside playing games We had a ball He seemed like the perfect dad Yet at least once a day that warmth would leave him And when it did I knew It was time to head to that secret room Strip off my clothes And do all I could to arouse his manhood While inside I was barely Holding On I was the kid who everyone thought Was oh so happy I fooled so many When I pasted that smile on If they only knew The thoughts that were going through my head I had to wear long sleeves And jeans even in the summer To hide the scars Of suicide attempts gone sour Yet I kept plotting The time, the place the way It must not have been my time Because here I still am today I just know that if anyone had known They would have been shocked Because how many children Would even have the knowledge Or even understand What it is to die By their own hand Especially as young as eight years old I was the child Who despite all my smiles Was barely Holding On To this day I still hear people say What a wonderful man he was Like a saint some say And I wonder for a second What they would have to say if they Only knew The monster he hid inside Then I check myself And I remember that I can’t say a word I have to protect the family name For the generations to come So in this poem Is the only place I can be heard And as hard as it is It is what I have And I just have to try to keep Holding On What do you do? When the world is so blue You’re afraid to say much So you don’t say a thing Then it all festers up And you feel all these emotions Boiling over Yet I know that I have to keep Holding On I can’t bring myself to hate him I can’t even bring myself to blame him I want so bad to keep holding on To the images I always had Before the memories came flooding in They are all so overwhelming I feel so out of control I want to curl up in a corner and hide But then the monster inside of him Would win So I try to keep Holding On Even though I feel like I am losing my grip I look in the mirror And I don’t even recognize the person I see Because what is staring back at me is A big blob of fat and filth Where is this wonderful person everyone else Tells me that they see Strong and beautiful I definitely don’t see I know I am not blind Because whoever she is She can’t be me & While I am really slipping Tired and worn out I am not sure I am ready to give up So I just hope I can find a light A reason to keep Holding On