Everyone Poops

I am playing with my dollies And my princess pram all pink I'm nearly 5 A big girl now No more nappies Or plastic pants I think I outgrew the potty When I was only three My mum says it's because I am brave Now I go to the toilet all by myself But today my bum didn't behave My tummy was hurting Making squidgy noises too Blowing bubbles inside I needed the loo But it was too far away I felt it coming I knew I was going to poo I couldn't stop it It was runny and wet Dribbling down my legs Err smelly poo I stood on the floor I shouted for mummy But she’d already smelt it She knew Mummy came in Said “Oh deary me” “Did we have an accident?” She asks I look down “Only me” I reply My legs were horribly brown I started to cry Mummy hugs me and says “Everyone poops you know Even the Queen Let’s get you in the bath Fresh new pyjamas You’ll feel as good as new Sparkling, fresh and poop free” Fifteen years on My first date a disaster Oh yes, all thanks to my bum I should have known better A bad idea it transpired A curry The night before With my mum That morning I woke up I knew I was in trouble When I felt my feverish brow My belly was bubbling Making squidgy noises as before I was really in turmoil now This isn’t good news I feel awful and sick My intestines are angry and raw Rebelling and furious They are plotting their revenge For the curry I'd had the night before But I’m a big girl now So my mum says The rumblings I chose to ignore Brave or stupid Feeling nervous and scared I walk nervously out of the door I shuffle into the restaurant A penguin walking on ice My bum cheeks squeezed together I smile, he looks really nice Actually if I’m totally honest It was a bit more like a wince But I was too scared to move Too scared to breathe It was all I could manage I was convinced I resist the urge to pass wind My bum and I are at war Anxious to avoid a lethal escape I feel the bubbling’s I remembered from before I excuse myself from the table Plead silently for my bum to behave Walking penguin style Across a crowded restaurant I can do this I am brave I find my sanctuary In the form of a loo Sitting down I feel surges of pain Squelching noises galore Sweating buckets I'm sure My modesty I hope to retain With my elbows on my knees I push just a little My bum explodes I am shocked Poop expels from my body A 100 miles an hour at least Making a terrible sound as it plopped The smell is intense I want to cry Poop has ricocheted off the bowl Splattered all over my bum I've formed a seal around the seat This is a nightmare I have no control As I stand up the seat sticks to my bum I unpeeled myself off It crashes down to the bowl I clean up Feel a bit better But into bed I want to roll I flush the smell away And I hope the disgrace I look in the mirror and gasp I look like a zombie A lovely first date Was that really too much to ask? Leaving the ladies I return to my date He is still there What do I tell him? My secret was mine to keep Is honesty the best policy here? What lie can I use? But I take a deep breath and I speak “I'm fine, thanks for waiting I had a dodgy curry last night” He laughs and I felt silly Who talks about poop on a first date? He smiles He says “Hey don’t be embarrassed Everyone poops, I relate!” Shall we go somewhere else instead? He asks “Like a public toilet?" I joke He laughs as he takes my hand He is cute I really like him He is gorgeous He seems to understand He walked me home Hmm no It was actually more of a crawl But a kiss on the doorstep And another date next week Maybe this wasn't a disaster after all Seventy years on I am living in a home I married my first date We had a family of our own Wed sixty glorious years He passed away last year Now I'm back in nappies again Oh what a cheer Yesterday was my birthday I am ninety years old and a day I had a naughty curry last night And I think I'm in trouble today My tired old organs Don’t work like they did before My skin is all crinkled My intestines are like straws The nurse comes in to change me Nappy filled with poop galore She smiles Says “Don’t worry my love Everyone poops" She's seen it all I'm sure I smile as I remember Those very same words spoken To me when I was four By my dear old mum In the bathroom In our house So many years before