Denial
I can’t let go.
I still need her.
Negation fills my senses as I try to make myself let go of all the pain of final goodbyes.
She left. I am abandoned. I just refuse to believe she would want to die and not take me with her. I hold pain in the acknowledgment of remembering why she was so weak. Too strong to smile yet too frail to live. My psyche is filled with unconscious defense mechanisms. One may think letting go would be healthy for someone who is struggling to hold on. Not for me. If I accept what has happened my sorrow would intensify and no more breath could I exhale. I suffer in silence and deny all that is annihilating my subconscious. I don’t need any more remorse for my actions that couldn’t keep a good woman safe. I will never learn to adapt to living without my reason to exist. Anxiety and angst is relieved the more I forget. The more I shake my head no, the more she really didn’t die. I have given up on acceptance and will live in a place of refusal to my reality. Denying is a way of life. Death is a part of life. My life stands still when I hold onto the belief I will see her one last time.
no more acceptance
acknowledging pain feels worse
silent denials
Denial Contest
Sponsor: Julia Ward
Date Written: July 27, 2016
Copyright © Lu Loo | Year Posted 2016
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