Death's Hand

when dad left us, each night praying for the love it would take to fix my parents marriage. i would pray for the kindness i desperately needed to face my siblings and my mom. now i know my words fell on deaf ears and god is but a fancy name for nothing. cried when i didn't know what love really was. i still cry over the idea of love. true love. when my family fell victem to death's domino effect i knew real love was buried six feet deep. this is why i cannot cry over you. i should be sorry, but i'm not. i should be scared, but i'm not. nothing can hurt me quite like love. it's not found in tulip fields or bookshelves. when he died, my aunt couldn't stop trembling. papa told her she couldn't shake forever, but it has been six years now. if i squint hard enough i can see him sitting next to her at family dinners. hand on a quivering knee, as if she sees him too. love is a six year shiver that never stops. it is not something you wish for. love is love is love is love is pain. love is nothing but death's hand on your shoulder.