Cunning Ways To Lose Weight - Part 1

My doctor says I’m overweight, I’m in the orange band, To make it to the yellow zone I’ll need a helping hand. So he’s cancelled Sunday breakfast And sworn me off scotch eggs, He’s drained my car of petrol Chuckling ‘Learn to use your legs!’ But I don’t really buy it. There’s alternatives to diet. I used to have a ponytail, So first I had that chopped. I filed off my fingernails - They didn’t do a lot. I syphoned every orifice, That’s ears and nostrils too, Then shaved all up and down the stairs And blocked my pores with glue. I bought myself a leotard All webbed and made of feather And leaf-thin flip-flops filled with air (I’m hoping for good weather). So the morning of the retest came, I wandered down the road And got savaged by a pit bull, Who chewed off all my toes. And thanks to that good fortune, When I stepped on the machine, The doctor said ‘I’ve got good news! You’re one gram in the green.’