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Monterey Sirak Avatar Monterey Sirak - LIFETIME Premium Member Monterey Sirak - Premium MemberPremium Member Send Soup Mail Go to Poets Blog Block poet from commenting on your poetry

Below is the poem entitled A SECRET NEVER TOLD which was written by poet Monterey Sirak. Please feel free to comment on this poem. However, please remember, PoetrySoup is a place of encouragement and growth.

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I never told my mother the truth
about the autumn night my sister died
The sad secret that churns in my soul
struggling to escape    holding my breath hostage

Wakened by a sound puncturing the silence of our sleeping room
Our bedside clock with numbers that flipped every minute 
bore a dim glow illuminating the time    12:16
Gentle moonlight drifting through the window 
fell on my sister    sitting on the side of her matching bed 
Her auburn curls tangled and frizzy     sea blue eyes glazed with sleep  

She coughed into cupped hands
A hard cough    racking lungs    clenching her chest
I threw back covers    dropped bare feet onto a cool wooden floor
headed for our mother’s room
She waved a hand as coughing eased     shook her head
Said she was all right    didn’t need Mom
Slid back into bed on her side    facing me
Snuggled her head into the pillow with one arm curled under 
The other arm lying on top of the covers    hand curled under her chin
Closed her eyes

Clock numbers flipped to 6:00 am    time to get up for school    
She still lay in the same position    skin now drained of color     
Once rosy cheeks paled as if buried in a sudden snowfall
Her hand    cold where I grabbed it to shake her awake
Stiff joints locked in place

My screams locked in place 
banging against clenched teeth    drawn lips
At thirteen I couldn’t imagine what to do with guilt 
that descended on me like a sodden wool blanket 
It was too heavy to fold and lay aside

Knew I couldn’t survive if Mom knew my secret
That I slept peacefully while my sister    her first born child
slipped away beyond our reach
Images flooded my mind of Mom’s soft loving eyes
hardening with hate    her comforting touch withdrawn 
Some actions cannot beg forgiveness

Mom has gone now to be with my sister
But I am not worried     
My big sister always kept our secrets

Copyright © Monterey Sirak

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  1. Date: 5/7/2014 7:49:00 AM
    OH my Stars.. Der Monterey... this is the best I have read yet.. I am crying... this free verse. is wonderful and your heart.... the little 13 years old little heart with that big secret.. this is some of the best writing and heart wrenching I have seen in a long time... many blessings to you .. and lots of hugs.. Brooke

    Sirak Avatar Monterey Sirak
    Date: 5/8/2014 2:23:00 PM Block poet from commenting on your poetry

    Thank you Brooke. Your comments are so encouraging. Poetry is my therapy, can you tell?
  1. Date: 12/17/2013 7:59:00 AM
    I think I have seen all your poetry but this stunner was a great one to review. Another of my faves from you!!!

  1. Date: 10/10/2013 10:28:00 AM
    It is a good thing this is a screen because otherwise your words would be soaked with tears. It hurt to read this one again but I am still glad I did. Your words reach deep within me and grab my heart.

  1. Date: 8/22/2013 7:34:00 AM
    OH my word, this is a beautiful piece Monterey :) you poem took me there in the room with you, awesome imagery :) tc Wilma

  1. Date: 8/5/2013 6:54:00 PM
    WOW, awesome write you got here, on a sad thing. Though I have no doubt she came to you in dreams & spirit to tell you it was ok ,, That it really wasn't your fault" ;}

  1. Date: 7/31/2013 3:08:00 PM
    This ia a beautifully written disclosure but it sounds as though it was an aneurism or something that no-one could have saved. At least your sweet sister went peacefully in her sleep...... Only you can forgive yourself and reach the final step of grieving. Your poem moved me very much today.......thanks for sharing yourself through your beautiful, wonderful poems. Hugs, SuZ

  1. Date: 7/31/2013 8:16:00 AM
    Wow what a write so heart breaking the guilt carried by one so young, sad for one so young to see death in this way, your poem is so vivid imagery outstanding,, is this truth or fiction, if true your strength is so strong and my heart breaks for the little 13 yr old,, and I am so sorry for your loss,, excellent poem, blessings to you sueellen

  1. Date: 7/30/2013 3:17:00 PM
    Touching compassionate poem. I love your conversation I'm litsening

  1. Date: 7/27/2013 6:21:00 AM
    Thanks for your visit Monterey, I was hoping you would have a new poem for us. Please let me know when you start writing again.

  1. Date: 7/8/2013 2:57:00 PM
    - Touching poem - not always easy to keep a secret. - Well written Monterey ! - oxox // Anne-Lise :)

  1. Date: 7/4/2013 10:54:00 AM
    sad, and deep.......enjoyed............ LOVE* SKAT

  1. Date: 7/4/2013 7:21:00 AM
    Good morning, I hope this greeting finds you well.

  1. Date: 7/4/2013 6:51:00 AM
    Hi monterey, this is so beautiful & touching, although it tugs at the heart & saddens the soul, It was a testament to your sisters, wish & secret, to shield your mom, from a heart wrenching loss. In the end we have no control, although we feel guilt, there is nothing to be guilty of. Blessings always, your beautiful angels are now together in love & peace <3 cherie...

  1. Date: 7/2/2013 4:12:00 PM
    This is not only amazing poetry, but very powerful also, inspirational and very sincere.

  1. Date: 6/29/2013 3:15:00 PM
    moving write indeed, my friend

  1. Date: 6/29/2013 8:04:00 AM
    Good morning Monterey, I was hoping to see a new poem this morning. Have a great day, will be back to visit again.

  1. Date: 6/28/2013 7:27:00 PM
    Hi. What a sad poem, but feel no guilt, your sister wouldn't want you too. This poem should do well in the contest ...Seren

  1. Date: 6/28/2013 1:16:00 AM
    I answered your post to my poem, but I don't think you went back to read it, it is. My dear, lay down this heavy burden you carry...Couldn't it be, perhaps, that having you there beside her made the passage that much easier for her? To go to sleep in the arms of a sister...peaceful. God knows what is best, my dear. He knows. I'm sorry you have had to deal with so much's time to heal. Hugs!!!!

  1. Date: 6/27/2013 6:23:00 PM
    This is truly a sad write. You have described everything here quite well.

  1. Date: 6/26/2013 8:15:00 AM
    I am so moved Monterey, you did nothing wrong, I say it again you did nothing wrong. Mom and sister are looking down and they want you to know you did nothing wrong and you are loved. They weep for a secret that did not require keeping. I feel so sad that you have carried it all these years. The poem is beyond moving and I moved by your honesty.