A Christmas Arraignment

A CHRISTMAS ARRAIGNMENT Late one December evening A sound woke me from my bed, I grabbed a baseball bat for safety And crept downstairs full of dread. I must admit I was not fit For foiling midnight burglaries. My cousin had kept pouring eggnog, I kept on saying, “Yes, please.” I slunk down the stairs, bat in hand, Jumping at yet another sound. But never in my wildest dreams Did I realize what I had found. Someone was in my living room! I could hear them moving around. So I jumped into the darkened room And bonked him upon his crown! He fell face first upon my rug As you maybe have suspected, But when I turned on the table lamp What I saw was quite unexpected. Santa Claus himself lay unconscious, My heart filled with a child’s worst fear. I had gone ahead and clobbered The source of all Christmas Cheer! I had to hide the evidence Or suffer a Christmas curse! I could not guess how my holidays Could possibly get any worse. I dragged that fat elf out into the snow And began to dig a hole. I hoped to hide the evidence Lest I be doomed to a lifetime of coal. But then he awoke, and began to yell And my neighbors began prying To spy the source of all the noise, The screaming, yelling and crying. The cops showed up, and saved St. Nick Before hauling me off to the station. They said they hoped the judge threw the book Like I was some inhuman abomination. Not long after I stood up in court While the victim showed his bruises. I tried to tell of eggnog-induced haze But the judge was hearing no excuses. I hung my head in utmost shame While the verdict was entered and read. I got twenty long years in a state prison cell For cold-cocking the man in red. Then Santa’s elvish lawyers worked, And a fireplace was magically erected, Santa winked and vanished with a finger on his nose Although not the one I expected. Now when Christmas time rolls around this year And you all have fun with your celebrations, I sit in my gray ten-by-ten room Fulfilling my legal obligations. So take my advice this holiday season As you fire up the traditional Yule log, If your cousin is anything at all like mine Say “No thanks” to a sixth eggnog.