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Workshop Poem - Family Ties

Family Ties By Franklin Price 5/10/2015 Family ties are always there Throughout our lives for whom we care Expanding as our journeys change These family ties will rearrange As a baby mom and dad Initially were all we had Maybe siblings to make a fuss To feed and change our pants for us Soon came friends not in the house With some good fortune loving spouse New family to call our own And family ties have further grown Our chosen one new family The old one still exists to see A balance make between the two Both are dear the old and new If fortune smiles with loving face And life goes with predicted pace A child or more are added in And family ties expand again As time goes by and we grow old To grandchildren our tales are told Knots tightened then for future kin Where we leave off they will begin Tie knots square and make them strong Make children feel that they belong And when we've left this world behind There will be family ties that bind Family Ties – take 2 By Franklin Price 5/10/2015 Family ties are always there throughout our lives for whom we care. Expanding as our journeys change, family ties will rearrange As a child our moms and dads initially were all we had. Older siblings made a fuss and even changed our pants for us. Soon came friends not in the house, with some good fortune, a loving spouse, new family to call our own and family ties had further grown. Chosen ones new family. The old ones still there to see. A balance made between the two, both were dear the old and new. If fortune smiled with loving face and life went with predicted pace, a child or more were added in and family ties grew once again. Grandchildren arrived as we grew old. They're bored with us as tales are told. Yet will tell the tales to future kin, our tales passed on, theirs will begin Tie knots square and make them strong, Make children feel that they belong And when we've left this world behind There will be family ties that bind

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Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/11/2015 11:13:00 AM

many ways to find a blog! 1) Soup Home page. Down the right hand side you will see the current blogs (1 per PM - only their most current blog's link is provided) 2) Scroll up. See the blue bar? See the search this site? Right under that is the blogs link. Also, If you click on any of the poets names and if they are premium members, up beside their avatars you will see icons. One is for THEIR blogs. You have an icon for soupmail look waaaaaaay up on top of this page.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/11/2015 11:08:00 AM

:) I really like what you've done with this! Yes, flows much better. that line... as a child our moms and dads... what do you think of this.. as children our moms and dads (because of the plural parents, does children fit better?) PS - dynamite job of fixing that rhyme. Crisp, now, and as smooth as the rest of the piece.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/10/2015 9:07:00 PM

Hi Franklin, I'm noticing some forced rhyme in your poem. Some lines have reversed structure to accommodate the rhyme... like, to grandchildren our tales are told. We'd naturally say, "We tell our tales to our grandchildren." I found the second stanza a little awkward.

Franklin Price
Date: 6/11/2015 7:39:00 AM

I have appended a revised version of the poem after my original entry. Initially, I was selfishly offended ( writers many time think they know best) but overcame my stupidity to make another effort based on the comments. Please comment, once again, on the changes.

Franklin Price
Date: 6/11/2015 6:42:00 AM

Thank you for your very constructive comments. I also found the second stnaza a little awkward but have yet to take the time to address it I know the rhyme was forced, but I'm not sure about changingg it.i'll look at it also. By the way, I am fairly new on Poetry Soup and have yet to find out how to get to someone's blog.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/10/2015 3:29:00 PM

Also, which areas do you feel need strengthening and where do you feel a revision is necessary? This may give the poets who will soon visit you with more feedback an area to focus on ... thanks.

Franklin Price
Date: 6/11/2015 7:49:00 AM

I don't mean to pick but your comment sentence should end with- "an area on which to focus". I have a friend who comments on that all the time. it's catching; sorry. Thanks again for your valid comments.

Cyndi Macmillan

Date: 6/10/2015 3:20:00 PM

Hi Franklin, although the workshop has LOCKED, it is not officially closed. This will give time for more feedback to those who have not shown a "before" poem and an "after the revision" poem. Please visit my blog when you can. Thank you, Cyndi

Skat A

Date: 6/9/2015 11:49:00 PM

Franklin, you did well, :) congrats on your workshop poem

Franklin Price
Date: 6/11/2015 7:42:00 AM

Franklin Price
Date: 6/10/2015 9:52:00 AM

Thanks Skat, I appreciate your visits to my poems and your comments

Kabuteng P.Ink K.

Date: 6/1/2015 11:46:00 AM

Capitalization for each line I think will also not be necessary (or maybe you typed this in Word and it was automatic?) I hope you don't mind me pointing out a couple of lines where I think commas would work? L1S2 "As a baby, mom and dad"; L2S3 "With some good fortune, loving spouse" --would you consider adding "a" before loving spouse"?, but yeah I know how it could mess up your syllable count though); Again, enjoyed your message here, Franklin! I hope I was able to help somewhat...

Franklin Price
Date: 6/11/2015 7:41:00 AM

Kabuteng P.Ink K.
Date: 6/4/2015 10:57:00 AM

Hi again, Franklin! About the punctuation and capitalization, it kind of crossed my mind, of how it could be intentional. With that being said, it is your poetry, so you are definitely free to write how you want it to be. Maybe someday, you'd try to experiment with them and see how it makes you feel. You used the word "force", yup, makes me think you're really not too keen with using the punctuation, and that's cool, too, of how you want to have your trademark of sorts. I'm sure you have your reasons for your preference. In an odd, opposite kind of way, made me think of Jose Garcia Villa (a Filipino poet, but he is known for his comma poetry--yup-- a,comma,after,every,word)

Franklin Price
Date: 6/2/2015 11:24:00 AM

I appreciate you comments very much. Ever since beginning to write poetry, I have seldom put in punctuation. I know, at times, it would help with the readability but I just haven't able to force myself to do it; maybe something to do with me thinking it's a trademark of mine. Who knows? Capitalization of every line is much the same thing. Maybe I will force myself in the future and see how it works. Thank you very much for the time you took to both read and comment. It means a lot.

Kabuteng P.Ink K.

Date: 6/1/2015 11:40:00 AM

Hi Franklin! I really like what you say here, especially of that assurance of family, and of how you broached the topic in a cyclical way. To be honest, I am not much of a rhymer, but as I read this aloud, I really enjoyed the rhythm here, and of how you made your words flow. However, I wonder whether you would like to consider adding punctuation here? I think your lines could use some commas here and there, some periods and depends on you, maybe an exclamation point or 2? Cont'd